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Manic 2017

I woke up this morning in a state of wanting to do things to be ready to usher the New Year. I look at my hands and I remember a sibling of mine mention that my hands are always busy doing. So I did what is my nature .My hands led me into motion.

I looked at the oven and cleaned so it will be ready for the healthy cooking I intend to do in 2018. I have to admit that the holidays have led me to the embracing of all the deliciousness I can find. I ate chocolates, the comfort of noodles and cake. My tummy approves all of it. I have embraced indulgence without guilt.

I cleaned the bathroom and scrubbed the bathtub. This month I discovered a hidden store in my neighborhood of Los Feliz that sold Japanese goods. I have fell in love with the scent of Hinoki. I diffuse the oil and I can smell pine scent that transports me to the Japanese forest I have never been. I also have discovered the Japanese ways of scrubbing and bathing. It slows me down is what I love about the dry scrubbing ritual. It feels like it breaks the monotony of regular shower. It is grounding without the water. It is healing when water splashes and cleanses.

I emptied the fridge. I threw out and let go of stuff in the kitchen. The big colander that has not been use since I moved to our place had to go. Pots and pans that have seen the end of its purpose went to the recycling bin.

It has hit me that I get sad when I let go of things, stories, people and places. I have such a strong attachment that the process seems like it pinches the heart as if the heart breaks. This year I have been practicing to saying goodbye to a lot to things. It started with the dining table I inherited. It was from a Jewish woman from Pittsburgh who moved to Los Angeles in the last stage of her life. I hope it will bring joy to whoever picked it up so fast on Los Feliz.

I have been saying goodbye to my old stories as well so I can discover new things about myself. I use to think that life is just the pursuit of happiness. At 53 I have learned that it is the pursuit of what it brings. It brings without judgment and it just shows up at your door. My role is to show up the best I can with compassion and kindness for others and myself. There will be a day that I might not open the door so wide. It felt that way when we lost Rachel this year. Rachel who will always be a unicorn in our heart. She was magical and our world misses her kindness. When Rachel passed I had to witness Phill’s heart cry and witness Phill’s inner circle got smaller. That was sad.

This year we travelled to Hawaii and Connecticut. I get to see Phill run The Los Angeles marathon and run the half marathon in Kauai. I learned how challenging travelling could be specially when I travel with a bit too much stuff. Three islands, rental cars, hotels and well travelling light is my goal next year. Less is definitely more. In Connecticut I get to see Phill’s special place, Castle Craig. I felt blessed to see the painting in our bedroom in the changing colors of October. I get to meet Phill’s childhood friends and see the places that echoed his childhood laughter and tears. I get to hike The Sleeping Giant. I get to see Carrie for the first time. She was so kind to me during the saddest time of my life.

The last 3 months of this year was busy for my husband because of a TV show. The stress of production work took its toll. Today is a time to replenish for him and for us. I am grateful for the time off so we can reconnect and experience the joy Christmas brings. We had our traditions and on Christmas morning we were kids one more time rediscovering the joy of what Santa brought.

Jethro has matured nicely. We experienced the joy of having a Christmas tree with Jethro for the first time. Jethro pondered a lot looking at it. Our home is so much richer with the presence of a Bulldog. Sitting down in our couch with Jethro next to me keeping my feet warm and hearing his snore well that comforts me all the time.

There is so much to be grateful in 2017 both the joys and sadness of it all. Life has brought and will bring in 2018. All I have is now as I scribble with Jethro next to me and Phill taking a nap. The Christmas tree is about to take a bow and say goodbye to her purpose. I will miss her scent. I have hyacinth bulbs that are waiting to bloom in the midst of winter days. The magnolia tree by our window has lost her leaves to prepare to bloom. It is 4:40 pm in a downcast Los Angeles preparing to experience a sunset. I am in motion and moving trying to stay in the moment. Trying to experience today instead of reliving the past. Staying in the hope instead of the despair of my fears in the tomorrow. Learning and discovering who I am as life brings. There are days that are with ease and there are days with turmoil. It changes every minute so I try to be open to the changes. I try to quiet the voices that defeats and focus to the voices of empowerment. I have tools now I can use that life has given. I can listen to music if my soul needs soothing. I can tap my fingers while driving in LA traffic. I can have hot soup of reassurance. I can pause and I can always restart my morning, my days, my nights, and my everyday.

I am excited to welcome 2018 and all the stories she will bring. I intend to be present in the hopes I do not get to miss moments.

I wish a gentler and kinder 2018 for my friends, family and the Universe. Thanks for being there for my family and me.

Namaste,

Agnes Christie Kane

Los Feliz

12/30/2017

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