#cawrites

[artofalexithymia]

You are a treasure I assure tacked in the attic Old; static

[artofalexithymia]

Dear Self, Do you what to know why you are hurt so much? It is simply because you have loved so deeply, and the depth of your love yesterday is the depth of your pain and agony today. Nevertheless, be brave still. Only those who are courageous enough, those who take the risks will know the true meaning and feeling of love. So be proud, my little one, you have been a warrior of love. And soon enough, you’re going to win the battle you chose so never stop fighting. Love, Future self

[artofalexithymia]

Your shades of blue calm my soul. Despite the heat of the sun, I'd still surely run into your shore. The waves, oh! The sound of it is a melody in my ears- soothing, relaxing and enchanting. Did I mention the sand? The sand always tickles and goes in between my toes. Your smell, the sun breeze and water in it, hmmm! What an aroma to my soul. You and everything about you are the things I always fall for.

[artofalexithymia]

Sometimes, the best gifts in life are those which came in unwrapped.

[artofalexithymia]

2015.

I haven't posted anything about this year. Well, like others, this year has been a rocky road for me. I ended my first job for personal reasons, did something adventurous which I'm very proud of, went to places I have never been, befriend a stranger, conquer a fear, change a career, and a lot more. It is quite hard to sum up what a year has done to me and how it changed me. Looking back, I cannot recognize myself anymore, for I have learned a lot of things from exploration. There were so many chances I took, changes I managed, choices I stood on. Despite all these, I was able to survive and I learned a lot too. This year is my year of discovery. I learned that: (1) No matter how kind you are, people will take it as a weakness. Nevertheless, kill them with kindness. (2) A bitter heart has a lot of courage inside, never underestimate it. No matter how bitter it acts, repay it with sweetness. Sometimes, bitterness is just a result of draught. Let it experience what sweetness is. (3) You are never what the people say unless you make yourself one. (4) Do NOT judge so quickly despite all the mistakes. Have a room for patience and kindness. (5) Learn to let go. When things didn't go the way you planned, let go and accept it. Sometimes, things fall apart to be in the right place. (6) Always believe in yourself. If you believe in yourself, people would believe in you too. (7) Love the people around you beyond measure. (8) Be a blessing to others. (9) Decide where your heart is. (10) Lastly, do what makes you happy. After all, happiness is not always found but created. I have still a lot of things to learn. I have still a lot of things to comtemplate about. Nevertheless, I am very thankful for all the things that happened - all the good and the bad. I hope, I will be facing 2016 with more courage and a kinder heart. Hopefully, figure things out, know what my heart desires.

[artofalexithymia]

Some Parts of Me Died

Some parts of me died after I graduate.

I don’t know how to put it in comprehensible words, but some parts of me died.

I was once a being full of idealism. Probably, I suck too much knowledge I learned from the academe or believed too much on what my professors said. It can also be I have come to fill myself with too much theories from the world I am currently taking in.

It was beautiful- full of life. It feels like I was a sponge sucking all the energy as I prepare myself to become one of the professionals in the world.

I believe that time was the best time to brew myself with possitivity, optimism and something I look forward to the profession I have chosen.

I was eager. I was thristy with knowledge. I was a believer. I was a doer. I was inspired. I was inspiring others…

and I believe that I was at the most wonderful time of my life as a student.

And because of this, I became courageous.

I admit, I got scared of graduation. I was not scared of entering work… but I am certainly sure of I am scared of something in the future.

But then, I was still the being full of idealism that time, and it made me somehow invincible of fears.

I conquered every job interview I got in. I got hired in any place I wanted to work in. I felt I was as good as I imagined myself to be.

Then, something happened along the way. When I started to work, I felt reality was kicking in.

I see that not all theories I studied truly works. I see plans no matter how much I perfectly prepared for it… they fail. I learned that not all things I learned from the academe will be appplicable no matter how appropriate it is. I didn’t understand why time was never enough. I have wasted so many posts its, memo pads for the bountless deadlines and paperworks.

These things happened in a cycle. And every time, I feel reality kicks in, and the idealism in me dies little by little.

The idealism in me dies little by little unknowingly. Until one day, I realized that a great part of it was already gone. I didn’t even feel it was dying time by time as I cry. As I try to conquer every battle I believed I was courageous enough to face.

I thought it made me invincible. It did, indeed. I guess, it was just…in every battle I counquer, it takes a little idealism away and it never comes back- it stays there.

I do not know if its a good or bad thing.

But I feel and wish that somehow I can still be the being fueled with idealism. The one that can maintain the idealism even if reality tries to snatch it in or rub it off.

I wish some parts of me didn’t die along the way.

But it did.