@artofalexithymia - Tumblr Blog

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It’s been years!!

I’d like to say I've grown quite a lot on my late twenties, and finally moved on from all the painful stories written here. Though healed, I am still recovering from the new pains life has brought me.

Ugh, it’s so nice to see this place again.

I guess, until then :)

This 2021, I’ll try to write about things rather than my feelings. I’ll try to write again, might not in poetry. But I am trying.

The urge in writing died in me way back 2018. So here I am, giving it a shot.

Any word that describes a father is so common to almost everyone but not to me. It is strange. The care of that word carries makes it unfamiliar to me.

Long are the years that have gone by, and I must say that I have learned to live a life without you and without thinking about you. It may sound selfish and ungrateful to one of the person I owe my life with, but that’s how I live.

I actually do not want you to feel sad about what happened or to feel any guilt. I’ve always told myself since I was a little that nobody really liked what happened. It was painful and unfortunate but we all have to accept and respect your decisions as parents. Life hit us with hard enough that our family collapsed. And there is no one to blame for that.

So to you my father, you do not have to be guilty of us not having the usual childhood like everyone. You do not have to inflict yourself with pain because you have hurt us.

Go live your life the way you wanted to be. In that way, I will remember you as someone who made his life worthy even without me.

I wish you a life worth living and remembering, Papa. Advance happy birthday.

There are some childhood traumas that won’t heal.

When will I ever write again?

UNSENT MESSAGE #7

I miss the days when words match the actions. When everything synchronizes yet spontaneous.

UNSENT MESSAGE #6

CHICKEN FEET.

One reason I gave you the chance before is because you ate chicken feet on our first date. You have gotten my respect because you weren’t trying to impress me or play it cool.

I liked how you were always yourself even on our first date. I liked how nervous you were yet confident to ask things if it’s okay or whatnot.

I just remembered you today because chicken feet is our lunch.

UNSENT MESSAGE #5

A thought of you popped up today. You were reminded me of strawberry. HAHAHAHAHA!

I never really told you this, but strawberries are not my favourite. In fact, I dislike them; they reminded me the taste of a medicine I refused to drink whenever I was sick as a child. But since I never wanted to be that easy, I’ve always let you decide and figure out the things that I like. To be honest, I like that.

Remember when you first gave me a starbucks drink? It’s strawbery cream. Though I dislike the taste, I drunk it so not to be rude. Remember whem you bought me your favourite ice cream? I was wishing that you’d choose the mixed flavour, but you ordered strawberry instead.

I thought though you have ordered me a lot of strawberry flavoured food, I’d still dislike it. But today I found out that I have learned to love it all because of you.

I never considered ordering any strawberry based food, unless it is strawberry jam of good shepherd which I love since childhood and viscoz strawberry cake. But now, I found myself choosing things I do not consider. Thanks to you for broadening my perspective and trying to love me.

Today, I don’t really miss you. I just thought of you.

UNSENT MESSAGE #4

I hope I am getting this right. I think there’s too much alcohol in my bloodline. I am trying to write these drunk thoughts and feelings right.

I take time as I heal myself from the wounds that our love has caused. Every passing day, I hope that there is a little change- a sign of motion to my most awaited recovery.

But there are days, I just miss you. I am not fully healed. I may not be as hurt as before, but I know in my heart, it would still be you who I want, who would I choose if there’s chance.

I’d lie if I say I never thought of coming back or going back. ‘Cause I swear, I miss everything... I do not know how to end this but every piece of me misses you.

Unsent Message #3

You know I get used of feeling the longingness to the point that I don’t long for you anymore. The feeling of missing you deteriorated. Isn’t it good?

Today, I wonder about thinking... do you ever think of me too as I think of you? Are these thoughts worth thinking? Am I the only one? Should I?

I don’t know to be honest.

Unsent Message #2

I dreamt of you last night. It was a story of your life without me. I was seeing everything in a third person point of you. You did survive without me. Life isn’t at its highest, but you were fine.

There was a pinch in heart watching you. I guess that’s one part of healing when you finally learned you are living a life leaving a person behind. It is accepting the departure of two souls who were once felt that life is unlivable without the other one. There was a tiny pain I felt in my heart at the same time, a smile on my face that you are doing well.

Though what makes me happy is a happy ending of course of you having a perfect family, it was not how it ended.

Probably, of all the dreams that ever existed, this is the most real.

Unsent Message #1

I started sending messages to your unused number, it’s a way for me to get rid of thoughts and feelings and I thought of posting it here.

I am missing you, still. Though I have been such a bitch in every message exchange that we had, I miss you. I am not sorry though, pushing you away is my way of helping you out so that you won’t make the same mistakes and hurt your family’s feelings. It hurts me twice as you do, but I think it is the right thing to do. I am enduring the pain, and it’s better this way.

With all honestly, there are some guys who like me. I really want to see somebody who’s going to love me. The kind of love that can replace and surpass all the feelings I have for you. The kind of love that can erase every piece of you in me. I am hoping that I will find that because I think that is what is deserve.

No matter how I want it... no matter how many eyes are on me, it is still your eyes that I want to see.

I still pray that I will have the courage and faith to look for love again in a different place in a different person.

And that one day will lead to another bullet to try again, give love another shot.

To you my Taurus boy;

I just want to tell you how glad my heart is for you. Actually, you were one of the few good news this 2019— hearing you finishing school and working soon. I remember those days these were just a dream. Those times you were waiting and working for this to happen. Now, this is it. Congratulations!

Second, you have found love in a new face. It is quite a shock for me, but guess what? My heart delights for you. I hope she sees the good in you and appreciates you and loves you as you love her.

It was just too good to see that finally things are going well for you. And I hope, it stays.

You are one of darling buds of May as William Shakespeare written in it in sonnet 18. As you said, August is a dream forgotten and it must remain.

Wish you all the best, to the one I wrote letters addressed to the wind.

Much care,

Me :)

When people asked me why is it hard for me to love, I ponder hard.

Loving is easy. But why do I always hold back?

I love people like a promise. Not the kind of promise that is meant to be broken, rather, to be fulfilled.

When I love and it’s not fulfilled like a promise; then, it was not love since in the beginning. It was never love after all.

I miss you still.

Before, I came across the feeling of longing- that’s the time I knew what’s missing felt like. Then, it became a clear definition of missing, longingness for what is absent.

As time passes by, I learned that people come and go. Then, I felt that kind of longingness again; that persistent desire for someone who is distant. It’s like wanting to be home in two arms and a tight hug.

But when I finally accepted that people leave no matter how much I wanted them to stay, and my home isn’t found in two arms and a tight hug. My home is where I am.

Missing someone isn’t always longing.

I finally learned that it is possible to miss a person even you are not into him anymore. Sometimes, I ponder if I really miss the person. I miss the concept of us being together- being with the person who made me genuinely happy and brought out the best version of me I never imagined.

Sometimes, what I miss is just memories that me feel infinite in a numbered of days. Nothing more, nothing less just memories.

However, the hardest miss that you will ever feel is the kind of miss of our ownself- when you crave to be the best version of yourself when you felt are loved by the best person in the world.

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