#ccs journal

[caepaecaesurae]

DIARY SYMBOL

I really hope that I didn't make him feel wvorse about that torture thing he had to do, I knowv in retrospect that wve wvere speaking right before it and he really seemed to take it hard, as hard as anyone like him can.  Guys that make it to his age in his position don't showv distress much, and wvhat he did showv is probably more than he should'vwe, and definitely more than he intended.

Howv do you resume talking to someone after that, though?  Do I just pretend it nevwer happened, and talk like life is normal?  Do I start off wvith "Boy, sorry to hear about your friend" and then nevwer mention it after that?

I don't knowv him wvell enough for sharing stories to be a wvay to get past it, and I'm not sure I'd wvant to.

Damn.

Probably just pretend it nevwer happened, and start off a little subdued, hope for the best from there.

I hope he doesn't kill Sparks.

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Being friends wvith Karkat is largely alright, as I wvait for him to spontaneously decide that I am evwil upon remembering wvho I am.

Not that he's forgotten wvho I am, exactly, he just likes the 'newv me' better.  Like so many others do.

And tried to kill the old me, that one time.

Possibly more than one time.

WVe killed an Empress together.

..for..

..some reason.

yeah.

Yeah, that's.

This sure is an interesting wvaiting game.  I'vwe givwen up trying to understand wvhere wve stand, so I think I'm just divwing in and seeing wvhat happens at this point.

He'll change his mind evwentually, and I can hope he doesn't take Pal and Sparks wvith him.

WVe'll see.

sevwere alternate guilt.  Karkat fucking looked up to him, howv could he?

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I wvonder if I'll evwer be able to admit to her that I didn't actually remember Dandy.  WVhy the fuck am I actually concerned about and contemplating the idea of telling her, wvhen there's no chance in any doomed split that I'd evwer tell him?  It's not like the secret's hurting anyone, either. I'll probably nevwer say, or at least I shouldn't.

I'vwe heard that her alternates are prone to doing bad things wvith their friends, particularly the young Nitram (a bloodline reknowvned for only the healthiest of relationships, to boot).  I'm not sure howv I wvould evwen ask, though.

It feels like there's so much to talk about, and so fewv wvays to start.

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I need to talk to him more often.  And maybe get into that politics thing.  And figure out if asking him for random fate shit is burning up any of the favwors he owves me or if he just does them out of generalized guilt about me losing my memories.

Maybe I wvould talk to more people if I left trollian on.

Is "vwague, poorly-defined tactical-advwice security blanket to the shadowv behind the throne" a job description?  Howv much does that pay?  Howv long wvould it take me to savwe up for that flying twvo-wvheeler?

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...

Sometimes I understand wvhy I used to hate him, evwen though he is my friend and has done nothing in livwing memory.

I don't wvant to think about it.

I shouldn't think about it.

It's not fair to him or me to talk about it wvhen I can't remember the full sum, wvhen wve can't settle it squarely once and for all.

WVe havwe to wvait until I remember before wve can solvwe any of this, and I am not looking forwvard to it.  The wvorst of it is I'll probably miss my friend evwen if I do start to hate him.

O, Alternia.

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CA: ☱

Eridan desperately needed someone or something, and a pity quadrant fits the bill quite nicely.  It might be kind of fucked up and wveird, but Sparks wvon't hurt him and I can forgivwe a lot if it givwes Eridan something to focus on outside himself.  I hope they wvork out at least long enough for Eridan to get his pan in order.

He's really a surprisingly good fit for figurehead ruler, too, though, if wve can make that happen.  It's a bit shakey, doesn't seem quite right at first, but if you look at the logic, it's all there.  He's no enemies, close allies wvith significant figures in evwery faction of us, hasn't committed to any one ideology, is gradually demonstrating his leadership wvith the police thing, is close to the actual and current leader wvithout havwing the same kneejerk responses, and I'vwe certainly got his back as far as tactics and shit goes.  I'm not sure if he's doing it on purpose, but he is doing it.

Betwveen myself and Sparks wve can find the right course and not allowv a wvrong one; and then Eridan can actually accomplish all the shit that needs doing wvithout our personal failings (or social ties) fucking it up.

"Layers".  Heh.

WVe'll be the match of any Alternian Empire, someday.

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Pal's a pretty decent guy wvhen he's not chasing you dowvn wvith murder in his eyes.

I wvonder if I can get him or Sparks to replace that cape I lost, evwen the shreds wvere gone wvhen I got back to wvhere it wvas, but it really wvas a nice cape and had some sentimental vwalue.  Also I'm not sure the locals can physically produce anything wvith an equal SPF vwalue yet.

I am pretty sure I could guilt him into it.  WVould that square things wvith us though, or just make him feel wvorse?

I should get on that, once I'm sure.

I think wve're friends?  Like, wve're wvorking on it.

I...  am not actually completely sure wvhat to do wvith him.

Fucking Captors, man.  Alwvays confusing.