Notice! This is ONLY the author's experience, do not take this story as a 100% rule for CDDs. All disabilities and disabled people are different, even mental disabilities.
You were having a horrible day, the system wouldn't stop fucking arguing, you had a horrible flare up during Charlie's activities and the WORST person to notice was the only one who did.
You just hope to be able to relax in Lucifer's room.
You upon closing the door to Lucifer's room, you find Vox and Alastor bickering over something you couldn't care to acknowledge at the moment. "Lu..?" You call out, desperate for a warm, feathered hug.
There's no answer, you try again, and Vox turns to you. Ignoring whatever insult Alastor just threw his way.
"He's out right now, doll." Vox replies nonchalantly, looking your tense frame over before meeting your gaze again. "You alright? You look... Bent out of shape."
"You're shaking, dear." Alastor tilts his head in your general direction, mostly staring at your shaky hands.
You know they doesn't mean it, but in the mess of nerves and anxiety and your dissociation causing identity issues which fucked up your day, you shake your head violently, protecting it from past experiences as Vox tries to reach for you.
"Dol-" "No. No. I'm sorry, I can't. I.. I can't do touch right now, okay? I'm sorry." You don't miss the way, Vox slowly retracts his hand, you don't miss the guilty look on his face, afraid he was causing such pain. But he wasn't, you wish you could tell him that but someone else decided you had enough experiencing pain and life, they switch with you.
Vox apologies but they just wave him off, going on about how you were just overwhelmed. But it's okay now. We're okay now, they said.
Vox looks at them until he nods, and mumbles softly about finding the "apple motherfucker" to help deal with this. Alastor keeps his eyes on them, attempting to make conversation but keeps being shut down.
You, internally, watch as this other alter.. Interacts with your lover. Reject his offers to chat or relax. Why? You don't know..
You don't have enough knowledge on this alter, nor enough communication with them to know what they want.
So you're stuck. Until something triggers you out again. You wait.
And wait.
And wait. Wait. Until Alastor moves to sit in the little corner he's made home in Lucifer's room.
He takes out a record for a familiar song, Alastor played this one specifically for you when you first told him about your more containment-like switching happening more often, he hoped it would bring you peace of mind like it did him.
Whipping your head over to the sound. You, slowly, as if something in your body is fighting you (which they probably are), get up. And walk steadily over to Alastor's little corner of Lu's room.
You sit next to him and he offers a smile, speaking joyfully for someone who had to deal with this nearly every week, "Welcome back, to the land of living, darling? How was your trip? Swift and peaceful, I hope?"
You smile despite the backlog of feelings building in your chest, "f.. Fine, Al." You stutter, "I'm just a bit overwhelmed with everything, your song helped bring me back though." Alastor nods, understandingly, though the others can't help but whisper that he doesn't.
You and Alastor hang out for a little longe in silence before Lucifer bursts into his room with a burst of red flame, he runs over to squeeze you and complain about the fact that wasn't here.
"I'm fine, Lu.. Just. A mildly upsetting switch. Happens every week."
Lucifer frowns "It only happens every week because being down HERE-" Lucifer chuckles, hate dripped with every word he said, like he was cursing himself for fucking up so bad that you fell down here. "-hurts you so much, you keep regressing in health.. Please let me - Er, us - help." His voice softens at the end.
"Heh, I mean even Mr. Tv man came to get me because he was worried about you! And he's as prideful as.. As.. Um. Hm." He pauses, trying to find a word then shakes his head absent mindly, then brightens up again. Looking up at you with those gleeful eyes. "The point being thaattt–"
"We care," Vox interrupted before Lucifer could start going on a long winded speech, ignoring Lucifer's glare. You didn't notice him come in or hear the door. "Somethings upsetting you, Finn.. At least let us know what it is."
You look down at the ground, at Lucifer's hands connected to your own, and at Vox and Alastor's shoes. You want to talk.. But you also really, really don't want to. But you sit down on the floor and decide to anyway.
"I hate being trapped. I hate switching, it's inevitable I know," you say quickly after seeing Vox open his mouth to speak, "I wish.. I could just be me. Just me. Only me. I wish I could get better at.. This. I wish we were never hurt, traumatized in the first place. I hate this." You stumble over your words sometimes, choke up on others, but they stay with you, no judgement.
"it sucks not knowing who you are at certain points in time. Or why you're doing something." You lean against Vox, who had moved to sit next to you on the floor, gripping his sleeve as he nods solemnly.
"I miss not knowing. About everything. I wish... I wish I could go back." You crawl into Vox's lap, feeling smaller, mire secure as you do so. Your voice seems smaller, are you switching again? "Which might seem weird.. But, ignorance is bliss. And I hate this knowledge I have."
"Well.. I can understand wanting to go back - not in the way you mean but still - Sometimes I wish I could go back too.. To the better times, right?" Lucifer smiled, his gaze softening.
"And it makes perfect sense, no need to explain, duck.. What cheers me up is thinking about the the good things about now! Like, Charlie, couldn't have had her if I was still in heaven!" You smile, which makes Lucifer perk up even more.
"As for switching," you turn in Vox's lap to see Alastor as he speaks, "like you said it's inevitable, unfortunately, and I - as well as Lucifer and picture box - don't know much about it. So, perhaps, filling us in would be a good distractor? Not to mention, you'd also be helping us." You nod, seeing how that could work.
"Um.. I-we could do that. It might be a little hard to do during big, long switches, but it's doable and we can inform while doing it!" You smile, leaning into Vox's chest more.
Alastor gets as close as he can without touching the supposedly horrid TV man to lightly kiss the top of your head, smiling softly when you gasp and look up at him in surprise and awe.
"No one's asking for that, darling.. Just take it a little at a time.."
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A/n: Ahhhh! My first non drabble.. I think? Anyway, I wrote this emotional and then tried to edit it.. And I think I might have made it too wordy?? Maybe? Might be me overthinking though-
This was really fun to write.. Expect more like this in the future +(plus) when I have time!!
