Chapter Titles for the Memoir I’ll Never Write
Jiminy Christmas, Look At Those Thighs
My Promising Career In Thievery Was Foiled By My Own Goddamn Conscience
Emotions Are For The Weak (Or: That Time I Embarrassed My Mom At A Funeral)
Lesson Learned: Don’t Assume Someone’s Diabetic Just Because They’re Checking Their Blood Sugar
I Pretended To Cry During A Video About 9/11 Because My Anxiety Told Me To
I Can’t Remember My Sixteenth Birthday (It’s Not What You Think)
I Wasn’t Ready For Parenthood, But I Got Stuck With A Bunch Of Kids Anyway
I Gave A Jew A Christmas Tree
There’s So Much Incest You’d Think This Was West Virginia
I Don’t Think Radiation Is His Biggest Problem
Eh...Maybe Sometime When I’m Not Suicidal
And So I Fell In Love With My Toilet
You Know Rudolph’s Girlfriend? Apparently Nobody Else Fucking Does Either
I Tried Dating A Mario Brother (Spoiler Alert: Mushrooms Did Not Make Him Grow)
I Entered A Serious Relationship With A Tree
Why Are You Taking Your Pants Off?
Wanted: Assistant For Hog Castration, Reward: Pizza
Let’s Play Catch The Horse (No, Seriously, Go Catch The Fucking Horse)
Do You Know Where We Can Find A Homeless Person?
I’m A Dumb Bitch When I’m Sober, Too
