#chargo

[wally-b-feed]

Anthony Fineran (B 1981), Brine Chargo, 2023

[bluestringss]

Last May 2018, I told myself to never lose that light. It was the light that urges me to keep going. As long as it’s there, I have my path. I got my dream job and there were a lot of calmer days than my darkest hours. 2019 came and I have this urge of doing a lot of things this year. I made plans, a checklist so I could make this year happier.  Then, my unforgettable sleepless Sunday night happened. I came to work with no sleep. Little did I know my mind was preparing me for the storm. Last Tuesday, my heart broke. But it was just the beginning. It was last Thursday when my whole world collapsed. I couldn’t stop myself from crying out loud. I was in so much pain. My heart hurt so much I wanted to get out of “here”. I wanted to run away. I couldn’t accept it.  I lost that light. I got scared. I don’t know what to do. My mind refuses to rebuild the path I made early this year. This anxiety...  I forced myself to sleep because if I didn’t, I might have done it. I was in so much pain it became an option. If I did it that night, I may have not regretted it. I couldn’t think. And the monster kept on telling me to do it. It hurt so much and it was the easiest way. Thinking about it now, I’m glad I did not do it. I might have gone broke with the hospital bills. I might have lost everything. For seven years, I relied upon my strength to them, not just their music but them themselves. They made me do it. Their excitement every concert, their smiles every time they perform, it gave me the courage to carry on. They helped me see that light. They helped me see things. Now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I could listen to their songs the same way I did the week before. It will hurt. I couldn’t even look at his pictures directly. There will always be sadness, probably until I have forgiven him. I’m still torn of wanting him to stay or wanting him to leave. But I signed the petition for him to stay. I guess I’m a fool for doing that. I still hate him but I don’t think I can listen to their music without his voice and his guitar. It won’t be the same. I’m giving him another chance, the same way I’m giving myself another chance to move. It’s still dark but someone pushed me to keep going. That’s all I need for now.