bluestrings

music and thoughts

[bluestringss]

The number of times I disassociated, I got called out. No one cared enough to ask if I was alright. The number of times I reached out, I was left out. No one cared enough to reciprocate at least half of the effort I did for them. Where do people find those who care for them the same way they do? Where do people find those who give them solace? I just stopped looking. I was just getting hurt anyway. I'm tired. I don't know where to find strength anymore. The fuse is almost gone. I just want to disappear in the wind.

[bluestringss]

How can you feel so giddy when you hear a song you associate with a certain scene? My world stopped when this song started playing and memories flashed.

I always envy those who find solace in someone else, whether platonic or romantic. My June was filled with two people who just met for the first time with different interests and personalities but still fit each other. I'm still amazed at how they realized their feelings for each other after just talking for hours. And this song fits them and their situation perfectly, too.

They really made me hope again that I will find someone who will become my safe place, my comfort, platonically or romantically. It's so hard to find someone who will fully accept who you are. Someone willing to understand you even if you never really understand yourself. Someone willing to keep you despite your flaws.

I'm tearing up LOL. One day. That day will come when I do not only wish happiness for someone else. That day will come when I can feel that happiness.

[bluestringss]

When My Thoughts Are Clearer

I wasn't in the best place when I entered the company. I can vividly remember the countless sleepless nights and the number of times I stared into space, trying to control my thoughts. Otherwise, I would lock myself in and wait until the dark cloud disappeared.

When I was hired, I told myself to take a step slowly and prioritize healing. For four years and eight months, I tried to be happy. I let myself move at my own pace while ensuring my mental and emotional health was not affecting my job.

The company was my base. No, the team became my pedestal.

Was it because working in a publishing company was my dream that I effortlessly grew to love my job? Or was it because I was fortunate to be placed on a team with thoughtful and understanding colleagues?

I was timid when I started. I never started a conversation. I just went along with them when they asked me to. I remember the awkward moments as I try to keep up with their chats. The time came when I was comfortable enough to share jokes with them. I began initiating a conversation, asking them questions and sharing stories to keep it flowing.

I happily made memories with them.

It didn't matter that I had numerous mini breakdowns and overtime hours. I held on to what the late actor Kim Joohyuk said on an episode of 2D1N S3. (Non-verbatim) Choose something that will give you the power not to quit despite all the hardships and exhaustion. I dedicated my life to a job that was helping me grow to be a better person. I got busier, but I got happier.

I have been thinking and reflecting a lot this past month. Do I have regrets? Did I leave a mark? Did I do well?

More than leaving a legacy at work, I am delighted I left a mark on my colleagues and bosses. For the first time, I can look back to a part of my life with a smile and memories to share. For the first time, I can tell myself I did well.

I'm glad I sent farewell messages to my bosses. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known they appreciated my existence.

I am still grateful despite the uncertain future. I am still optimistic despite feeling lost and scared.

I only have to keep moving, and everything will be fine.

[bluestringss]

I’ve been working in this company for four years and half, five years this July. About three years of this, I worked non-stop, barely taking leaves just to meet the deadlines. Now, I’m getting fired and I haven’t totally improve my skills yet. I sent CVs and I’m not getting responses. My friend says I need to take it slow but I don’t know if I should.  Am I pushing myself too hard? Or is this normal because I have responsibilities?

[bluestringss]

A few hours before turning 26

I did say I was going to write before I turn 26 but a lot has happened this past few days. I could be starting my 26 without a job.

When it hit me that I’ll be 26 soon, I got anxious. I remember getting anxious in the past birthdays, but this one feels real. It’s like I’m actually turning to an adult.

If I look back in my early 20s, I’d say I did a pretty good job working on myself and my mental health. I am much happier now. I can see things brighter now. Remember when I forced myself to celebrate my birthday because it’s my birthday? Not gonna lie, I was excited celebrating this year. But things happened and now I don’t know if I should celebrate. I got no money, bruh, and I have to save in case I actually lose my job.

I am pretty sure nothing will change when I turn 26, except probably my bones and health. I’ll try to be much healthier and fitter, but I doubt this will happen anytime soon.

I just want to be happy. Stress-free is not possible so I want to be happy even if I’m stressed out. 

But to be honest, I really don’t feel like celebrating knowing there’s a 90% chance I’m getting fired. I just want to lock myself in my room. I did sent CVs today, so hopefully I’d get a response and will be not left unpaid for long. I have so much responsibility I cannot be left with no money.

Wish for my birthday: to be happier this year

[bluestringss]

I've been wondering why things are going smoothly for the past weeks. Now I know why

[bluestringss]

it's actually sad that they don't realize it. no, i'm not expecting anything. i told them i grew up keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself because i got no one to talk them with. i'm used to it. it's fine. but this doesn't mean i get lonely because of it. i also want to have someone to go to when i feel something. i wanted a sister i got none. i wanted a best friend i got few but we lost the contact. i have to save myself. if i pray really hard, will it happen? if i acknowledge my dreams, will they happen? i'm tired of feeling like this every single time. i just want someone to talk to without feeling any judgment from them. just listen to me.

i should learn how to be a proper human being without having my insecurities speak for me.

[quotefeeling]

“The way people treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being. It’s not a statement about you.”

— Unknown

[quotefeeling]

“The hardest battle you will ever have to fight is between who you are now and who you want to be.”

— Unknown

[bluestringss]

just talk it out. let them know.

- no. we've been through this. just because i'm not saying anything that doesn't mean my moods are not that down enough. i'm not expecting them to do anything but what she did actually made me upset.

imagine having a constant person. i already gave up finding one but i do still wish i'll get mine. i just need someone to do stuff with.

let me also vent this out praying no one will read this. i told them i get easily distracted especially when i'm working even if i have the volume up. i've been tolerating this for almost three years now, respecting them. i'm sharing space with them so it's normal to keep myself in check. but i couldn't count all the days she did stuff out loud. i have to raise the volume up, play really loud songs, and try to tune it out. i respect it. it's not my own space. and whenever i work overtime and everyone's at home, i let them do their stuff and making them uncomfy just because i'm working. i don't get myself distracted because i have work, i got deadlines. i understood it when she said she wants her own space. because i do too. i grew up having my own space but college and work took it away. it's fine. i adjusted. but when she said that, when she said she can't work whenever we're around, i got triggered. the number of times she sang and laughed out loud while i was right in front of her, working. i actually did try telling her, several times, directly and indirectly. but she still does it. i still tolerate. i shouldn't complain. it's not my own space.

i actually feel bad feeling like this. i shouldn't be. is this emotion valid? is this okay?

just because i appear fine that doesn't mean i feel fine.

oh yeah, i bought eye mask so i can force my eyes to close. i think my insomnia is back. i should've expected this since i'm back on drinking coffee. will the monster also return? please no

[bluestringss]

I’m discovering something about myself and I hate this new discovery.

[bluestringss]

I'm writing this at around 2am, almost 3. I couldn't sleep. I'm in a stranger's condominium unit with my relatives. It was supposed to be a staycation and a treat for my aunt and uncle. I'm just a plus one. Not actually writing about this.

For the last three months, I have been working on our book series--proofreading, counter checking, and all the necessities for textbook creation. Honestly, not all that. I've been only doing what I have been doing for that last four years in the job. Except, I have more responsibilities now. Being a Production Editor made so much difference. I still feel like an Editorial Assistant. I miss being an EA but I like being a PE.

Since last October, I have been seriously talking about leaving my current job and look for a higher paying one. I have financial obligations. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to look for a full-time job (been searching for part-time ones every now and then). I always give excuses which makes me think, "Do I love my job?".

Scrolling through my Instagram Stories Archive, I found my answer. I had posted the screenshot below on my IG Story.

I grew up with barely knowing what I like. I have a strong opinion on my dislikes but I can't really say what I like out loud.

2018 happened. I switched jobs for my sanity. The current job gradually became my comfort zone. My colleagues and bosses let me adjust in my pace. I don't know if they knew. But I was in a bad shape mentally and emotionally. It took me a while to adjust but I did.

The thing is working on a publishing house has been my dream job (but I never said it out loud because I was scared). Being accepted into one was an answered (unspoken) prayer. I didn't know what it'll be doing. But I was eager to learn.

Three years into the job, my immediate boss left and I got promoted with her and our supervisor's recommendation. I guess I was fit enough for the title of a Production Editor.

Working on a publishing house is time-consuming, especially during printing and reprinting season. It is overwhelming, stressful, and draining. This has been what I have been feeling for a few weeks now. Two months ago I was still going out and catching up with friends in between deadlines. But right now, I felt like I have to reserve all my energy for my deadlines. I also have to work on weekends.

This brings me back to what late actor Kim Joohyuk said on one episode of 2 Days and 1 Night Season 3. If you're doing something you like, despite the exhaustion, it'll be hard for you to quit.

I don't think I'll quit anytime soon although I keep saying this to my friends. For the first time, I found something that I really love. It's hard to let this go.

But I'm scared that if I stay longer, I'm letting opportunities go because I chose to stay in my comfort zone. I'm worried that I should be doing something else that could really help me be contented, I wasn't just looking. I'm worried that I'm wasting my life in this job. But really though, how stable is it outside of this job?

Also, I am well-aware my English is not really good. How am I still on this job? I'm good at pretending (and I work really hard). But I'm working on it so when the time of me leaving this job comes, I'm prepared and confident

It's 3:30 am and I'm still wide awake. Is my insomnia back?

[bluestringss]

It’s been a long time since I cried over it. Something happened at home yesterday evening and Ma talked to me about it. Damn. I got flashbacks lol. My mind won’t stop running. I still don’t know what to call it but it felt like my brain cells were having a panic attack. I had to blast Vance Joy (and Epik High) to drown my thoughts. I don’t want to cry about the stuff I went through years ago. I thought I was healing. I guess not.

I’m so annoyed. I’m still trying to stay away from the monster inside my head. I don’t need that. I’m having a fun time over here. 

[bluestringss]

I just finished watching No Way Home and I have so much emotions. The movie is amazing and I highly regret I did not watch it on big screen. Dammit, COVID.

[bluestringss]

CNBLUE has released a new album titled WANTED on October 20, 2021. The title track Love Cut is a rock song with disco rhythm vibes. The lyrics depict the desire to cut off unnecessary ties and find freedom.

---

As a fan of CNBLUE for 9 years, this is the first time I have seen them in a concept MV. It always has been casual style, if I am making sense. Watching the MV is really fun with some jaw-dropping emotional scenes. The song is really nice. I don't know the technicalities for the sound so I won't talk about this. However, I can say one or two about the lyrics. It's pretty straightforward, typical Jung Yong Hwa lyrics I must add. But this song doesn't only apply to a romantic relationship. Because emotional abuse also exists in family relationships and friendships, even between acquaintances. I love how Yong Hwa captured that toxicity in this song.

I've got to say. The scene from 1:58 to 2:22 is my favorite.

[bluestringss]

I was looking for a song with lyrics that will fit my desktop wallpaper. I remembered this song. I remembered that one evening when I was drinking beer alone at the balcony listening to this song. Mithra’s rap hit me so hard lol. It has been two years. I sometimes still feel the same.

[bluestringss]

I thought it was a phase lol

I visited my Tumblr account for the first time since April. I totally forgot I made that post about watching streams. It has been nine months and I’m still watching streams almost everyday. But there has been some updates and I would like to re-answer the questions from last April.

1. Who did you find first? When did you start watching them? - I started watching Sykkuno last November 2020. Then, I shifted on watching Valkyrae because she was on Youtube and it was easier for me to use back then.

2. Who is your favorite in OTV? - I still watch a lot of Yvonne’s streams. I barely watch other members’ streams. 

3. Who do you watch the most? - For the past few months, I have been only watching Natsumiii, hJune, yvonnie, and starsmitten’s. I sometimes watch BaboAbe’s.

4. Which streamer do you act most like? - My answer would still be the same. Natsumiii. There is a reason why I subbed to her and being calm is one of them.

5. Amigops or Salad Gang? - Neither. Update, I barely watch Amigops streams these days.

6. Morning lobbies or afternoon lobbies? - I have never watched morning lobbies because of the timezone.

7. What is your favorite game to watch them play? - I am not a gamer but Valorant was the easiest game for me to understand. - For some reason, watching them play Rust is satisfying for me, especially Harrison and Wendy’s.  - I like watching them play Minecraft too. - Gartic Phone and Tricky Towers are also fun to watch. 

8. Do you have any of their merch? - None. Money conversion and shipping fees are too much for me.

9. Who has the best streaming set-up in your opinion? - I would still say it's Fuslie but I really like Natsumiii's alerts. I like Celine’s set-up too.

10. Your favorite female streamer in OTV & F? - Natsumiii

11. Your favorite male streamer in OTV & F? - Sorry but I wouldn’t be subbed to hJune for almost four months now for no reason lol. 

12. Who inspires you most? - I watch them because of their wholesomeness and friendship. I'm trying to learn how to be a really nice and wholesome person from them. This is cringe but I'm desperate here lol. - Update, I still don’t know how lol

13. What's your least favorite game to watch them play? - I’m not a gamer so I don’t understand most the games they play. I’ve been watching them for months but it’s still hard me for me to keep up with the gaming terms. 

14. Are you subbed to anyone? If so, who? - Natsumiii and hJune

15. Whose music do you like most out of the OTV & F singers? - I listen to Lily's a lot. I also listen to Fuslie and Natsumiii's covers. Since hJune has been “officially” part of the friend group, I would include his covers here.

16. Do you participate in stream chat? - Sometimes but not that frequent

17. Have you ever made any fanart/edits? - Nope. I am not creative.

18. Are you in a Twitter group chat with other OTV & F fans? - No. I have been a fangirl for nine years now. I had enough of interactions through Internet lol. 

19. 100T or OTV? - OTV

20. Have you ever made/read any OTV fanfics? - No. I am not interested.

21. Roomies or Amigops? - None.

22. Have you ever gotten noticed by anyone in OTV & F? If so, who? - Natsumiii, Abe, hJune

23. What is a song that reminds you of your favorite streamer? - None. But I discovered several songs from them. - Are You Bored Yet? I learned from Michael and Lily. It took me a while to move on from this song. - Oh, Death by SUGR? Peter's cover really made me listen to the song. And Natsumiii often plays SUGR? on her streams. - I have to add Ultimately by Khai Dreams. I heard this from QuarterJade during that one duo night with Masayoshi.  - Georgia and Riptide by Vance Joy. I learned the singer from hJune and these songs are my favorite. - Lonely by Justin Bieber. hJune often plays this song on his stream. - I’m in Love by Ra.D. I love Wendy’s cover so much.  - Fast Cars. hJune’s live cover will be forever iconic.

I honestly don’t know if this is still a phase or my work will force me to stop watching streams. I still enjoy watching them and will keep on watching until I have to stop.