Wait for me
Chapter i
"The ones who load the dice always say the toss is fair" - if its true
Tw. Toxic ex, manipulation
If Alastair had known the events that would transpire as a result of him opening the door before him, maybe he would have put his pride aside and gone home. Maybe it would have all turned out different, maybe in some universe he did, and his dreams wouldn't be filled with dark corridors and never ending halls. But Alastair didn't know that now, so with one last vote of confidence he opened the door into Charles' office.
Charles's expression should've been enough for him to regret walking in. Alastair attempted to arrange his expression into something firmer and more convincing as he approached the desk. He had always had the ability to mask his emotions well, but he was still getting used to doing so in Charles' presence. For the longest time he had been the one person who Alastair had thought was able to see him, truly see him. It had been long since Alastair had seen him that way, or at least so he told himself as such. He wondered if someday he'd stop looking into Charles' stern expression and feel his confidence begin to wither. If Charles stared he'd stop feeling like he was 16 again.
Alastair straightened his posture before he spoke. "And to what do I have the pleasure of being summoned by the internim consul himself?"
Charles glanced over the Clave papers, his expression formal, not betraying a hint of emotion. Maybe that's where I learned it, he thought bitterly.
“I need you for a patrol mission,” Charles said, dropping his gaze into favor of his paperwork.
“You mean the suicide mission I was notified of this morning? Take me off the patrol.”
Charles finally glanced up at him, taking what Alastair believed was the first real look at him since he'd gotten into his office. "Pardon me?"
"Im asking you to take me off that mission, I never signed up for anything as such so I'd like to be taken off"
Charles' eyes narrowed. "But it says here you volunteered to go inspect the abnormal demon energy that has been recorded in this region."
He then put down the paperwork so Alastair could see a map of London with an area that seemed to be abandoned marked in ink.
"I am telling you that has been a mistake, I never agreed to any of this and shall not be the one to endanger myself because someone might have made a mistake"
Charles sighed, bringing his hand up to his temple. “Alastair I don't have time for this.”
Alastair felt his nails digging into his palms. “I am not lying. Find another, it should be that hard consul.”
“I should've grown used to this I suppose.” Charles's gaze was challenging and demeaning all at once. “You never did like to leave the safety of your own shell.”
“What?” Alastair hated the way his voice dipped to a hoarse whisper. He wasn't a fool, he knew what Charles was playing at, but knowing that didn't diminish the uncomfortable prickling sensation spreading across his skin.
"I'm just stating the truth Alastair" He said, as he turned away from him and continued to organize some papers into folders. "The only fool here is me, believing this time would be different."
His nails dug deeper into his skin .
"I don't think you should be addressing me by my first name" he let out carefully, watching Charles roll his eyes without even looking at him "I also dont think its your place to say anything about my private life."
"It is my place when it makes you refuse to do the mandate you were born to carry out."
Alastair tried to keep himself from crumbling at his words "I already told you I never signed up for this mission."
Charles gave out a humorless laugh, one that brought enough memories Alastair tried not to get hung up in. "You know, admitting you're scared won't kill you."
“Fear of such stupid endeavors could also be stated as common sense.” But Alastair could feel his resolve crumbling, turning to dust the way it always did when Charles would turn his words against him.
Charles flicked his hand dismissively. “You go on then. Clearly I made a mistake thinking you were mature enough to handle such a job, I'll send for a more capable Shadowhunter to replace you.”
Alastair only made it halfway through to the door before he broke. “Where is the patrol location?”
He could feel Charles's eyes on him, the quiet triumphant victory that he held on his head like a crown. It was sickening, but worse was that Alastair still craved it, still craved the way it would feel as if the scars on his heart momentarily stitched together. Only for a moment, his mind echoed.
Charles showed him the location on the map, which he allowed Alastair to take. Gave him some general of the mission but the words numbed in Alastair's ears. All he could think about was how much he wanted to wipe the smugness of Charles' expression, and how much he hated himself for finding comfort in its curves.
"I’d hold no grudge to you if you officially resigned from this operation" Charles mused, his words not the least comforting. "But you'd have to agree that you would be resigning, seeing as you were the one who volunteered in the first place, now that the story you seem to claim that it was the Clave’s mistake."
"And, I suppose, no one could blame you for stepping away" he went on, taking his eyes off Alastair and picking up a pen. "So much time trying to convince yourself a politician has of course had an influence on your fighting ability."
"Mr. Fairchild." he responded through gritted teeth "I already agreed to go."
And even if not looking at him, Charles smiled "Then I guess that's all we have to discuss."
"You can leave now Mr. Carstairs"
~~
Cordelia had decided that the notion of training was far more appealing than the act of it. Of course if anyone asked she'd proudly tell them that training was her greatest pleasure as a warrior and wielder of Cortana, but in truth her heart felt like it was going to burst. Leaning against the counter she tried to bring down her heart rate, twisting her dark hair back when the door slammed open.
Even without taking a look downstairs she knew it was her brother who had opened the door in such a state. Not that it was much to her credit, out of all the members of the Carstairs household Alastair had always had a taste for the dramatics. There was also the fact that it couldn't be anyone but him. Earlier that week her mother had been advised to stay in the silent city for the last part of her pregnancy, and in doing so, she took Risa with her. The siblings were the only current residents of the house
She caught her breath and went downstairs, curiosity creeping through her thoughts. Cordelia had known he had a meeting today, but she had expected him to get back later, much later than this. Has something happened? And scandals running through the institute's walls that caused Alastair to come back early?
Cordelia vaguely thought to herself she should not hope for such things. It was wrong, and frankly rude. But Cordelia couldn't help but want something interesting to happen, for weeks she had been locked in her house after leaving her fake marriage with James behind. They had covered their separation up under the excuse of James mind control by Grace Blackthorn's bracelet.
Cordelia and James had claimed they needed time to reevaluate their union now that James was in the right state of mind, thus Cordelia left for her family's home and James had gone to stay at the Institute with the Herondales. In reality there was very little to discuss, as Alastair had said unrequited love doesn't last forever. It wasn't until she took a step back from the blinding light that was loving James that she realized how much of herself she had given for someone who she couldn't even claim loved her. The last thing James needed after finding out about the bracelet was to have romance in his life, neither of them deserved to keep digging their grave in that marriage. When she was younger she thought maybe love was enough to conquer everything, but now she just thought maybe the person who has broken your heart so many times can't be the one to mend it
So here she was, after weeks of grief over her separation. Now certainly doing better, and certainly unmistakably bored enough to find her brother's business life interesting.
Though judging from the fury on his face, a business meeting wasn't what had caused his bad mood. Their doormat was covered in a flurry of white snow, even more flakes raining down when Alastair whipped his hat off and threw it against the coat stand. Cordelia watched with equal parts concern and amusement as he let his head fall back against the door, muttering a string of barely discernible curses. It's a good thing Maman isn't here to witness this, Cordelia thought dryly.
“Bad day with the enclave?” She asked, watching as her brother slid down to the floor and glared up at her.
“Disgusting. Absolutely repulsive.” He tossed his shoes into a corner and watched as it rained snow on the floor. “Horrible.”
“What happened?”
“Awful things. The world is an awful place. With awful people.”
Cordelia hummed in agreement, picking her way through the snow to sit opposite to him. “Anyone in particular? We have many adversaries.”
“I" have adversaries, you decide you hate them because they hate me.” Alastair groaned and sunk further into his coat.
“It's simply my way of offering support. Did something happen at the meeting?”
“No.”
Cordelia sighed, leaning back on her hands. “When we moved to London I kept a small box of memories from our childhood. In that box I have a little tea kettle that proved very useful for my younger self. Tell me what happened Alastair, or I will hit you over the head with my tea kettle.”
“You're horrendous at being threatening,” Alastair grumbled, pulling himself up into his usual perfect posture. “The meeting was with Charles.”
Well it seemed that Cordelia would have to get the teapot regardless. She didn't bother containing her rage when it came to Charles, he had done nothing to deserve her mercy. Not when he was the reason that Alastair suffered in silence for years, not when he had damaged her brother in a way she couldn't even begin to comprehend. Even now, months after Alastair had freed himself, Charles had a grip on him, he could deny that it affected him but she could see it the way his eyes were fractured between anger and despair in Charles's presence
"Why didn't you tell me the meeting was with him?" she asked, trying to not let the bitterness spill through her words "I could have at least gone with you, are you alright?"
"You know I'm quite capable of dealing with him myself" he countered, but his usual sharp edge seemed numbed by something Cordelia couldn't place. He looked at her as she raised an eyebrow and relented "Yes Layla I am perfectly fine."
"Someone who’s fine doesn’t come into this house cursing mere existence," she crossed her arms.
"Well not everyone is unlucky enough to have to deal with Charles Fairchild."
Cordelia agreed, giving him a quick nod. She understood how hard it could be to be stuck with someone you were having complicated feelings for, the want to get away from it at all cost. She herself had been avoiding James for the best part of the month, even when their split had been amicable and they had agreed to stay friends. She could never understand how Alastair managed to face someone who had done ten times the damage James had done to her without falling apart. It was a good enough reason for him to behave like this, but still Cordelia felt it wasn't quite just that.
"What was the meeting about?"
Alastair just shook his head, allowing his hair to shield his eyes. “Nothing important.”
Cordelia sighed, crossing the rug to sit next to him, folding her legs carefully. “Tell me what happened. Tell me anyway.”
“He assigned me to a different patrol team. That's it. Now will you permit me to go change into gear or will you insist on nagging me?”
“Oh I certainly plan to. I'll come with you.”
“No you will not.” His voice was flat.
“Why is that? I'm already dressed for it.” Unless there is a different reason you want me to stay behind, she thought, watching as Alastair’s dark eyes narrowed.
“And is there a reason you are suddenly enamoured by the idea of patrol?”
“How else am I meant to know why my brother is lying to me?”
“Layla.” He muttered, closing his eyes, annoyance evident in his words. “Leave me be.”
“Alastair,” she mocked gently. “You're more bothered than usual and you clearly are upset at whatever Charles assigned you to do.” She carefully wrapped her arm around his, squeezing his hand gently. “So let me help you.”
Let me help you the same way you've always helped me, she thought imploringly. Let me shoulder some of your burden as my own now.
Cordelia could feel his arm tense at her touch, but he didn't pull away, though his eyes remained closed. "Some things just can't be helped."
"Or so you have decided," she said with absolute certainty, "You do not have to face all your struggles alone, you have simply decided you needed to do so."
"I didn't decide this,” Alastair said, letting go of her hand and standing up. His words conveyed there was more to his answer than he let on.
"What didn't you decide," Cordelia pointed out, throwing her hand into the air "Alastair you can't keep shutting me out whenever you think you're strong enough to deal with things by yourself."
"I don't shut you out always" he carefully admitted, his voice now composed "But that doesn't mean you should know everything."
"Why not?" she crossed her hands.
"Because it's my life" he shouted back, but she could see the underlying meaning of his words. That is was his life that it was his struggles that it was his to solve. A few months ago Cordelia would have left it at that and simply retired to her room, feeling frustrated over the wall between her and her brother. But now, she knew ignoring it wouldn't do anything to fix it, she needed to smash it.
"And I'm your sister" she snapped "So I am forever going to be part of your life. I don't care if you think whatever bothers you is unimportant because it's important to me"
She stood up, meeting his eyes “So what is it? Was the meeting incredibly dreadful? Did you get assigned to a patrol team you do not like? Were you unable to get a pastry from the store you enjoy?" Cordelia knew her accusations were getting ridiculous, she didn't care.
He stayed quiet, lowering his gaze to the carpet on the floor.
"You promised we wouldn't lie to each other anymore," she reminded him, letting her hands fall.
After a moment of silence, he finally spoke.
"I didn't decide to not accept your help Cordelia," he sighed "Charles did."
Cordelia felt her face heat and her body tense at his words. “What?”
“He enlisted me for a sucuide mission essentially. He wants me to patrol a highly populated demon area because sending more people would be considered a risk to the Clave. They thought wasting an entire patrol team would've been harmful so they took volunteers. And somehow my name ended up on the list despite me never signing up. Charles wouldn't hear it, he insisted I go.” He laughed bitterly. “and I agreed.”
Cordelia waited.
“I had wanted to say no.” He started, though Cordelia wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. “Charles-”
“I know,” she said quietly. “I believe you. You don't have to explain, you don't owe me an explanation.”
Alastair stepped back to lean against the staircases railing. His gaze lifted to meet hers, and it wasn't angry or furious like she was sure hers was. The same eyes, her mother would always say, and maybe that had been true for when they were young children, untouched by misery. Now while her eyes always burned with too much feeling, Alastair’s only held tiredness and sorrow.
“I don't understand Cordelia.” He said, his lashes lowering to veil his eyes. “You're able to face people that have wronged you with pride but I can only fall apart.”
Cordelia’s heart gave a sharp twist. Alastair’s hands tightened on the railing. Speaking the truth of what he felt always seemed to cost him, so many years of withholding everything led him to be untrusting of himself and others.
“I haven't experienced the world in the way you have.” She started quietly, struggling to piece together her words. “The sort of things you've had to suffer alone I can't even begin to comprehend. But you're still trying, your heart is still so full of love despite having been hurt by so many. If you think I'm stronger than you, you're a fool.”
She reached out to lightly push some of his hair back before wrapping her arms around him. Alastair stood frozen for a few moments before hugging her back, the snow on his jacket leaving pinpricks of cold water on her skin. Holding on tighter, she whispered. “You don't have to do this alone. Not anymore.”
She felt Alastair's head drop against her shoulder. “Okay.”
~~
A/N HEY GUYS
So @cant-think-of-anything and i had a conversation at 2am and may have accidently made an entire crack au we are endlessly attached too. Today we finally finished editing the first chapter! It was written by both of us sending text back and forth at hours no one should be awake in. This is the au I've been teasing in the edits i did here and here
Stay tuned for chapter two in tris account comming soon! We hope you guys enjoy it as much as we did writting it! Care to join us on the foad to hell?
If you have any questions feel free to come to either of our asks!
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