#charzee

[charze3]

I hate my father, and I hate myself,

Because I am his daughter,

And therefore I am him.

[charze3]

What if I can never tell my mother? What if my time comes before I can explain to her? What if I die with my mother assuming the short hair, change of name, and boxy clothes were all just a side effect of tomboyish behavior? What if I die as her daughter, and not her son?

Will I be buried in a dress or a suit?

Will she know the weight of this decision?

[charze3]

Why must I shut up? Why do I have to keep quiet?! So I don't make people uncomfortable? Well fuck that. What about me? You don't think I was uncomfortable? You don't think I was uncomfortable when he stole a part of me away and destroyed me in the process? Why must I keep quiet about the way he ruined my body? Because it makes some people uneasy? Good. It fucking should. Why must the victims be silent about the monsters that hurt us? I am never getting that part of me back, and I'm just not allowed to even speak of it? I want to scream it. I want to scream from the rooftops of how he's a monster. But I can't. Because the public doesn't approve of that. And speaking of your damage makes you an attention seeker, no matter how badly you actually need the attention.

[charze3]

The sun

The sun is warm, and loving, and graceful. The sun is beautiful. The sun warms me when I'm cold, keeps me company while I'm in the garden, kindly wakes me in the morning, and gently kisses my face with such soft warmth. I wish for nothing more than to have you take the place of the sun. You would do such a good job. You're so warm, and loving, and graceful. And you're so, so beautiful. You keep me warm, by holding my hand or giving me a hug. You keep me company during the most mundane of task. You wake me with good morning messages every day. And you kiss me with such kindness and sweetness that it sets my heart a blaze. If you're the sun, then I would gladly be your moon. Nothing gives me more joy than reflecting your warmth and light. Without you, I'm dark and cold, blending into the massive void of space. But with you? I shine. You warmth lights me and allows me to glow, just like you do. Oh for you to be the sun. Oh to be your moon. Oh to be yours. I'm yours. The dark to your light. The solitude to your company. The cold to your warmth. The moon to your sun.

[charze3]

"But my eyes are just brown."

No,

You're so wrong.

Your eyes are where I feel at home.

Your eyes are the embodiment of warmth,

Of happiness,

Of reassurance,

Of love.

I look into your eyes and feel every bit of love you feel for me.

I look into your eyes and I see everything of you that is pure and good.

I look into your eyes and I fall in love with you all over again.

You may feel your brown eyes are boring,

But your gorgeous brown eyes said "I love you too" before I ever even spoke the words.

[charze3]

We're drifting apart.

It's absolutely killing me but I know it's for the best.

You haven't realized it yet.

Maybe I'll show you this one day,

So you'll understand why I did it.

I used to think we were soul mates.

And I guess I still do,

Because I'm sure we are in some way.

Just maybe the kind of soul mates that were destined to meet,

But not to stay.

It's not that I don't love you anymore,

Or don't value our friendship,

Because I truly do.

It's just that I realized that we're growing into different people.

Too different of people.

You're ready to start your life,

And I'm not ready to stop being a teenager.

And that's ok!

People grow at different rates,

We're not both going to be ready to grow up at the same time.

But what isn't ok,

Is pretending I'm not seeing how I'm holding you back and becoming a bad influence.

Some people grow apart because one feels unvalued,

Some people grow apart because they argue too much,

But I don't want you to think we're growing apart for any other reason then me wanting to see you grow and flourish.

I see your potential,

I see how amazing you are,

I see what you can do,

And I want you to do it.

I want you to grow and turn into just as amazing as a woman as I know you will be.

You're my world, and I'm ready for you to find yours.

Even if that means letting go of your hand and letting you find it on your own.

Just know I'll be here.

Sitting on the porch of the house we build from our memories,

A house where it's always summer,

And it's right by the beach,

With the most beautiful sunsets,

And our favourite artist are always on repeat,

A house that feels like home.

I'll sit here in hopes that you can feel my love for you whenever I think of our time together.

I'll sit here and hope that you always know how proud of you I am.

I'll sit here because I love you,

Even if I have to love you from a distance.

[charze3]

Stuck.

I want to step out of my skin.

Leave my brain behind.

Let my soul wander.

Just for a day.

I'll go for a walk.

I'll probably end up at the beach.

I'll sit on the sandy shore.

I have no fear of getting sand under my nails or in all of my belongings.

That doesn't bother me.

I'll watch the waves.

For once they will calm me fully.

I will no longer be plagued by fears of drowning.

Those come from my troublesome brain.

I'll have left it behind.

I'll stand,

And walk to the water.

I'll feel the cold waves brush against my ankles.

I'll feel the sand beneath me move.

I won't fear falling over.

I'll be free.

Free from the physical aches of my body.

Free from the embarrassment of my appearance.

Free from the nausea that has made it's goal to be my lifelong friend.

Free from the truly useless thoughts that consume me.

Free from the lingering fear of death and what might follow it's embrace.

Free from my mind.

Free from the way I was cursed to be at birth.

I wish to leave it.

My soul longs to be free from the filth that calls itself my brain and body.

My soul longs to bring free from it's captor.

It's captor that has doomed it to suffer for as long as I must take this form.

Doomed until it finds it's next brain and body to inhabit.

I am prisoner to my own physical form.

I can't escape it.

No matter how badly I wish to step out of my skin.

I will see it to it's end.

That is my curse.

I have trapped myself.

[charze3]

Nobody has ever fought for me. I'm the battle everyone is willing to lose.