#chassunah

[intheparsha]

The Story: Part 10

Warning Signs

Although the story is pretty much over, I wanted to add one more post for two reasons:

1. 9 is not a round number ;)

2. A quick Public Service Announcement

When I was in seminary, we had a seminar about abusive relationships and my sister told me that when she went to seminary she had the same one from the same lady. And in retrospect, she should have recognized some of the issues earlier. 

One of the warning signs of an abusive relationship is the number of elaborate gifts that are showered on the victim. 

Y.M.'s family tried to buy her. 

Aside from offering to pay for wedding related things on a constant basis, even though they stated vehemently that they didn't have any money, they showered her with gifts at every turn.

There were smaller gifts, but here's a list of the big things she received from them: 

1. The engagement ring 2. A white gold and diamond heart shaped necklace 3. A set of silver candlesticks (actual silver) 4. A set of silverware (actual silver) 5. A Rosh Hashana honey dish (actual silver) 6. A leather bound siddur/machzorim/tehillem set with her full name on the front, including their last name. At that point they not only weren't married, but the wedding plans hadn't even been made yet. 7. A full set of Susie Fishbein cookbooks 8. A (truly hideous) sheitle that cost $1000

My sister felt overwhelmed each time they gave her a gift like that because she felt like they were smothering her a bit. She just wanted to spend time with them and instead they would give her stuff. 

My mom didn't like it because she felt that she had to reciprocate but couldn't because we don't have money. 

I personally thought it was just overkill, but at the time my sister seemed happy, so I just went with it, completely forgetting that it was one of the warning signs. 

As women, we naturally have a binah yesera. Women's intuition IS a real thing. As is gut instinct. If you have a concern, TELL SOMEONE. 

There are too many young people getting divorced, or worse, getting stuck in a marriage with someone abusive and/or won't give a get. 

Although I kept checking in with my sister to make sure she was ok with the engagement and Y.M, I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for the courage of E.S., my sister would probably be stuck in one of those marriages right now. 

Homeland security has adopted the phrase "IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING" in terms of suspicious packages, but it 100% applies in relationships too. 

If you have a relative or friend who looks like they're about to end up in a bad place, as a frum person, you have an obligation to save that person. 

My sister has said that although I kept after her, it wasn't something she was ready to admit even to herself. It literally took sitting down and being forced to recognize the issues she kept pushing aside for her to see just how bad her own situation was. 

Interventions do work. 

She's better for it and her relationship with E.S. is stronger than it's ever been. 

Telling the person them-self might not work, but if you talk to their parent, or like E.S. did, the person's Rav, you can make a difference. 

So please, if you ever see something that seems off, say something. 

[intheparsha]

The Story: Part 8

Falling Action

My sister got a phone call from the Rav telling her that he had spoken to Y.M. and explained to him some of what he had discussed with my sister. 

Then my sister started getting texts from Y.M. that were begging her to reconsider. Telling her that he would change. Asking for a chance to talk and explain. 

The problem was though, that there was nothing left for him to explain. He had lied about big things and that's not how you start a relationship. That's not how you treat the person you're about to marry.

She did speak to him on the phone a couple more times, but those conversations went pretty much the same way. She asked him about his previous engagement and after several prodding questions he finally admitted that the other girl was the one who broke it off, but he was quick to fill in with how he had his own reservations about that shidduch that he didn't voice during the engagement and how glad he was when the girl broke it off. 

My mom finally heard from Y.M.'s parents and all of their messages seemed to suggest that although there was a hiccup, the wedding was still on.

At that point, we started calling and canceling everything - the reserved busses, the caterer, the florist, everything. The caterer said he hadn't even heard from Y.M.'s parents, who were the ones to pick him in the first place. His family took control of so many things that we weren't even sure of all the numbers to call and had to actually research a bit to find out these places, but in the end everything was cancelled. 

That night, when the engagement was officially off and everything was cancelled, we ordered a couple of pizzas and sat around making phone calls to family and friends letting them know everything was off. 

The amount of support and brachos that flowed from everyone we spoke to was astounding. 

Everyone was cracking jokes and having a great time, and at one point my sister just stopped with a slice of pizza halfway to her mouth and burst out laughing. When we asked her what was so funny, she said, "Isn't it crazy how we're all having more fun breaking off the wedding than we were planning the sheva brachos?" 

And it was true. We most definitely were.

To Be Continued...

[intheparsha]

The Story: Part 2

Lies and Confusion

My sister came in one day with a weird look on her face, so I asked her what was up. She looked at me and said, “Um. He was engaged.”

I was like, “What? What are you talking about?”

So she told me - one of her close friends (let’s call her Ahava) had been friends with Y.M.’s family for years. Ahava and my sister were having a conversation about the event that they went to where my sister met Y.M.’s mother and aunt (the event that got this whole ball rolling in the first place), and Ahava said, “Wait, was that while he was still engaged?”

And my sister made one of these faces: (O.o)

Ahava said, “What's wrong?" My sister replied, "He was engaged?" And Ahava said, "I totally told you about that.” But my sister did not recall that bit of information. At all. So Ahava asked, “Wait, he didn’t tell you about it?” Apparently he had skipped that piece of information as well.

So my sister called Y.M. and asked him about the previous engagement to which he replied something along the lines of, “She was too needy and controlling, she was bad at decision making, it wasn’t a good shidduch, everyone told me she wasn't right for me but I wouldn't listen and I was relieved when it was over.” I don’t think my sister was at ease with his response, but she sort of dropped the subject.

But still. Engaged to two people within a year of each other is kind of strange. And to avoid that topic in conversation with your betrothed just seems so wrong.

To be continued...