As most people are aware, in the Orthodox community before a young man and woman are to be married, they have to be taught the halachos of taharas ha’mishpacha - which could be understood in the non Jewish world as Sex Ed.
The classes are so much more than that - there’s hashkafah, halacha, mikva instruction, a bit of biology, and ultimately what it takes to keep the husband and wife both satisfied as partners in their marriage (not just sexually).
But I gotta’ tell you, it is super freakin’ weird when your younger sister, who used to be so pure, starts discussing with you how so many things that she thought were off limits are actually ok as long as they’re done right. Like “quickies” in a closet, or blowjobs.
My little sister is discussing these things so openly with me.
It’s also understood that the chassan and kallah don’t touch each other (let alone have sex) before their wedding night, so it’s almost expected that that’s what’s going to happen after the wedding.
One of my more outrageous friends was having a private conversation with me about family stuff and then all of a sudden went, “have you ever thought about the fact that your sister’s about to have sex?” As shocking as that revelation was, my initial response was, “obviously, that’s what happens after marriage, but I would definitely prefer not to think about my sister’s sex life.” But she kept going, “but it’s weird though, right? like, right after the wedding, they’ll totally rush out of there because neither one of them can keep their hands off each other and they’ll go back to their place and just do it.” At that I rolled my eyes, the international signal for “I hear you. You’re ridiculous. Let’s move on.” And then she said, “In 9 months, she could be a mommy.”
And that one sort of stings. For two reasons:
The first is that I know something she doesn’t know. I know that my sister and her chasson don’t have a lot of money and that in order to prevent financial stress and shalom bayis issues, their rav is having them use birth control for at least the first 6 months. So, no - in 9 months, she won’t be pregnant yet. But it’s that kind of thinking, those expectations, that are so uncomfortable.
The second is that it’s painful to me. There’s nothing that I want more in life than to have children of my own. And while I was always voted by my family “most likely to succeed”, it hurts that my sister, who is my junior by 5 years, is getting married first. No matter what I say contrary to that and how big my smile is when I say it, it hurts. It hurts that she’s getting married first, it hurts that even if it’s not right now, she’ll probably have kids first, and it hurts that the way my life is going right now, I just don’t know if any of that is in my own future. It just hurts.
But of course, nobody knows that. And nobody knows that because why should I detract from someone else’s deserved simcha?
So I smile, I grin, I accept peoples’ brachos and pour them right back onto others. But that doesn’t make any of this any less awkward.
