Husband (34m) admitted to cheating on me (33f) years ago when we were dating. Advice?
We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. Kind of long but my husband the other day admitted to cheating back when we were dating in college (2014, 2016) He said one night at a party he kissed a girl for about a minute or so and when he realized what was happening he threw her off and left the party. He admitted to being drunk and on other substances. I asked him why he did it, he said it was a couple weeks after I told him I didnt love him anymore and didn’t want to be with him anymore. Which I remember doing after a night out with my friends. We kind of never broke up and stayed together but never really talked about it. He then admitted to texting (sexted) another girl a year later inappropriately. He said nothing physical. I asked him why, he said I told him it was ok to text other girls cause we were going through a rough time. (A year or so prior) I did tell him this, I remember of fear of losing him. I know stupid on my part. But I didn’t mean it like that back then. I asked why are you telling me this. He said he woke up one day and his brain was going non stop with shame and guilt. I know he has been in therapy and assuming he has talked about this with is therapist(OCD). He also feels bad about robbing me of the opportunity to stop the relationship back then and omitting it all these years. He said sorry and if I need space he will give it to me. And understands if I am upset. I know he is sincere about the apology. I can tell he is mentally unwell and physically hurting. He’s lost 30lbs from not eating and I found out he has started having suicidal thoughts over this. I just don’t know what to do. I am hurt, mad, sad, all the above. I feel like it’s partly my fault.
I mean, if you told him he could sex others, then that's not cheating? But, regardless, it sounds like you two had a pretty immature and toxic start. I would really suggest couples counseling to process these new revelations and make sure you've sorted through this toxic start and developed healthy and stable patterns (not just healthier, but healthy). You may also find it useful to talk to your own solo therapist about this.
For the moment, try some journaling to help sort through your feelings. Sometimes it just takes some time.