I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified to speak, but you'd expect that from me
Yes, the song is relevant. Too relevant.
I wrote this post last night, at like 12:30, because I had no internet connection, so it was documented on Word. But I'm still maaaajorly conflicted, so I'll post it now.
I don’t know if it’s because he basically said he wanted me to cheat on my boyfriend with him, essentially admitting he liked me and wanted on (or just the latter…), orrrrrrrrrrr if it’s because I’m seriously missing Brad, and therefore am craving sexual attention, but for some reason I’m very frustrated with Ian.
Yes, I kind of told him I was pissed at him after walleyball. And apparently he actually thought that I was angry with him. I didn’t see him the rest of the night until I was in Em’s room playing on the guitar, and he came in after soccer, and he goes, “Oh hey, that sounded like the intro to Remembering Sunday.” WHAT THE FUCK, WAIT, WHAT?! DID YOU JUST REFERENCE AN ALL TIME LOW SONG?! Lord, let me die. This boy likes All Time Low. After this epiphany, all anger flooded my system, and I had a renewed respect for him. I mean SHIT that is a QUALITY song. I learned it for him, actually. I came up with the chords shortly after he left, when I said I’d show him later. At check in, I sat with him, and he was like so I thought you were mad at me. And I was like oh, you mean about walleyball, yeah you guys were being dicks. And he was like we were joking, chill out. And I told him it didn’t matter anyway because his appreciation for ATL just wiped away any bad feelings I had for him, and that I had learned Remembering Sunday. He told me I should sing it for him when he was watching the game. So we’re good again. I guess. I don’t know. Like I said before, I feel like there’s a bit of a riff between us now. During walleyball, it was gone for like a few seconds, when I got upset, and he looked generally concerned for how I was feeling. But later I went to watch the Man C v Vancouver men’s soccer game, and of course he was watching. The girl he knows from school was there, so I didn’t really say much to them or anyone else in the room while watching. Then she left after a while, but there was still weirdness between us. We didn’t even go upstairs together (well, partially because he’s pranking one of the counselors by blowing up balloons and filling his room with them as I type this) or say goodnight.
AND THAT MAKES ME UPSET. WHY?! I don’t know. Some really sick, terrible, awful part of me wants him to keep pursuing me. The rest of today was really fun. I like flirting with him. The innocent, I just wanna hang out with you… for now… kind of flirting. It means nothing. I still love Brad. But… like Ian said, camp’s supposed to be fun, and this is fun. But not being acknowledged? I don’t know. Last night he said he was worried that if he did make a move, I might reject him and then he’d feel like an ass. Well, I’m pretty much PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE, which is seriously terrible and I regret it every second I do it, but it’s exhilarating at the same time. The point is, though, I’M now the one getting rejected. That’s not cool. Opposite of what I wanted. I don’t feel like a whore yet, but it’s getting there, especially since I’m craving physical attention. Terribly.
There needs to be mutual agreement here. Either we’re cool, or we’re not. Earlier today, we were definitely beyond cool. Now I’m not so sure. I get a thrill when I see I have a text from him. I want one now, actually. Like a status update on the balloon filling or something. He’s gonna be up for a while. But… I don’t know. I refuse to text him first. That’s definitely whoring around.
UGH. THIS IS SO COMPLICATED AND NOW I CAN’T SLEEP. I’m listening to Brad’s playlist… while re-reading texts from Ian. I’m a horrible person. I can’t stand this. He needs to make it clear what he wants from me, soon. Like tomorrow. He leaves Friday ): if nothing happens tomorrow, and we’re still in this weird phase, I’ll just ask him flat out. I’m afraid of the answer he’s gonna give, but damnit, I hate in-between stages more than anything.
Whyyyyyyyyyyy do I want him to make a move more than anything? Why. I just want to know.