#chiadiary

[starsandwonder]

February, 2019

Chinese New Year Gatherings - Wee Nam Kee; Harbourside Building; Brass Lion Distillery; Me.

.

You think that things became better when in fact they didn’t. You only became oblivious to the bad as you sought escape and refuge in the outside world.

[starsandwonder]

One evening after work, J went for a run at Labrador Park whilst I walked as I was having a bout of stomach cramps. The skies deepened to a paddlepop palette as sunset came and went.

[starsandwonder]

To have loved and lost Some say that you were lucky to have loved But my god Is it painful Please will you take the pain away.

[starsandwonder]

Running thoughts

1. You were always a lesson, from start to end. Thank you for teaching me that I should never settle; Not for the safe love, nor for the uncertain love (if I may call it that). 

2. I thank all my lucky stars that I was in Bangkok when everything happened. That I could wail and sob my guts out in a room all to myself, with no one to question to me, no one to pass off-handed sarcastic remarks to me, and no responsibilities to care about. I thank you also, for not continuing to keep me hanging on a string, as someone once did. That was absolute cruelty, and those feelings I will never shake off. 

3. Some days I feel like I’ll never be whole again. All the people who have left my life, whether by their choice, mine, or others, have taken a piece of me with them. My heart aches for all these missing pieces, and some nights I wished I could have them back, and that I never knew this sinking feeling. 

4. If I had a boat, I would sail to you Hold you in my arms, ask you to be true Once I had a dream, it died long before Now I'm pointed north, hoping for the shore

5. 感觉必然重要，但是感觉并不能当饭吃。不知道是相信感觉仍然在而只是时间不对，还是承认你的感觉已经不在，会对自己好一些。

6. Today I am reminded why I am disillusioned with the concept of marriage and children. You were right that it is my entire upbringing, and some things will never change. 

[starsandwonder]

There’s a ton of work to be done, but I somehow lack the energy to get started. 

I’ve been feeling extremely exhausted as of late, and I suspect it’s because of all the energy needed to pull my mind out of troubled thoughts. To not think about you, what’s happening in your life, what could have been, and most importantly what that has already happened. It’s all come and gone, but the pain’s still there. And working through all the ugliness of it tears me apart, just a little too much.

[starsandwonder]

All I want to do is to sit down and do some quiet reading. But the heaviness in my stomach and the sweltering weather is making me too restless.

[starsandwonder]

Today:

Intuition is a strange thing. There’s been a negative aura around the house lately, and today I found out why. Do all these thoughts I have floating around in my head always come true?

Why do people love to ask for my opinion, or my thoughts, and go ahead to disregard them and continue to expect me to go along with their plans even if it is everything I never wanted.

Only saving grace of the day is that I feel more sane lately. No more deep depressing thoughts that make me feel as if insanity is slowly taking hold of my being.

Engineering is not my second nature. Dread is slowly becoming my second nature.;

[starsandwonder]

I wish so hard, but nothing ever comes true.