A Piratics Tale: The Chilcott Enquiry
Listen, and I’ll tell you a tale of old. A tale of treachery, backstabbing and immorality, that even trumps an episode of Eastenders.
Twas the year of our Lord 2011. Now at that time the most fearsome pirate of the Thames was Davy Cameron, commandeer of the well seasoned ship, the Tosser, for it had been tossed in sea salt, herbs and other spices. He stood on the deck, the golden sun reflecting off his overlarge forehead , supported as always, by his wooden Clegg. Today he had matters to resolve.
“bring forth the prisoner!” he commanded,
Captain Chilcot dragged forward an old seadog, with darting bright blue eyes and permanent grinance. (That’s a cross between a grin and a grimance) He stood tall, aloof and unwavering, which was impressive, considering they were in the middle of the sea.
“Turner Blair” sneered Davy. “you are being tried again today for crimes against the code, and conspiring with Captain George Bushbeard, and yet you say you have done nothing wrong. Now I’m warning you for the last time. Give the letters what you wrote to each other so we can see what you were really planning. “
“I can tell you what they were about” simpered Blair. “I just don’t want you to read them, but I’m not hiding anything, honest. You’ve just got to believe me. Anyway, I don’t have them anymore. I threw them in the depths of the locker.”
“Is that true now?” said Davy. “It just so happens…that we have it here. Bring forth the locker!”
This time, a small wooden box was produced. It was locked.
“we couldn’t open it sir-” said Chilcot. “The cabinet just wont release the letters” Davy tried himself, to no avail, using his cutlass to stab the chest that held the heart of Turner Blair. (Metaphorical heart, that is, as in his true nature revealed in the letters. I don’t mean he actually cut out his heart and kept it in a chest. That’s both ridiculous and impossible.)
But suddenly, a rush of wind, blast of trumpets and a flash of red, a ship named “the Wiki” sailed alongside them and a lean figure swung from its rigging, sweeping Blair and the box into his arms and returning to the deck of the Wiki in one swift stroke. “Avast, man!” he shouted in jubilation.
Eric Pickles looked around to see who had called him. It was the shipbuilder and captain of the Wiki, Ed Miniband, so called for he was the ‘ead of a miniband of men, for example, Haze l Blears. Laughing manically so that his eyes looked as if they were about to pop out, he steered the ship around and sped away from them.
“Fire!” shouted Davy instinctively, flinching as his first mate Osbourne opened the canister of CO2.
Cannons sailed through the air, punching their way into the hold, one even found its mark , blowing open the locked box of secrets. The Tosser watched on as Ed Miniband realised water was seeping in, and the letters were now strewn and floating in the ocean. “Wiki-leaks!” he cried. “Abandon ship!” Swimming for dear life amongst the wreckage of his own ship, he knew that his labour was in ruins.
“Triumphant this time, Davy,” He snarled. “Wait till I get aboard the HMS NHS and I’ll get you back”
To be continued next time, when Davy Cameron runs aground on the river in a banking crisis, in the adventure: Davy Cameron and the lost treasury.