#chimsau

[reticentfem]

I don’t want a love that’s hard. I just want a love that is tender and delicate in just the way we hold each others heart.

[reticentfem]

October 4th, 2021.

Dear My Sweet Love,

Tonight I'm missing you in ways I didn't know I could. I stay up at night pondering what lesson the universe is trying to show me. Why did they give me someone who makes my soul feel so connected but my heart feels so alone? I know asking why is not fair because I should just be grateful. Grateful for the long conversations we had. Grateful for the kisses we shared. Grateful for experiencing you. But sometimes it hurts... it hurts not to hold you or be held on the days I'm barely making it through. It hurts to want to just hold your face and feel your warmth and can't. It hurts to miss someone so much and not be able to do a thing about it.

I know we must've of been past lovers because the way you know me when I barely know myself gives me the most security I've ever felt. The way you shield me from my self sabotaging ways gives me so much hope. You see me full transparency without judgement and it's the most reassuring prize I've ever won. I like the person I am with you. The person who appreciates everything and nothing all at once. You ignite this fire inside of me that I didn't know exist. We share unspoken thoughts even from miles away. Your words wrap me tenderly when I'm crumbling inside. Your smile radiates the affirmation that even from there, you're here. Thank you for arriving when you did because this new chapter with you is one I don't want to squander.

I can't wait to be able to clench your strapping hands while your arms bundle me in. The aroma of your cologne making me disintegrate into you as your lips greets mine with fondness. I'm excited to see the twinkle in your eyes while you share your childhood tales. I yearn for you and there's not a single day I don't desire you. But I know absence makes the heart grows fonder and I know together, we can see this through and make it work.

See you soon, my love.

Yours Truly,

An infatuated woman.

[reticentfem]

What do you do when it hurts to stay with the man you love just as much as you walking away from him?

-Drunk thoughts.

[reticentfem]

Resistance.

I wish it was easier. But I keep replaying that last fight over and over in my head like it’s a broken record. And I ask myself how can someone who loves me utter such foul expressions. So I break down. Drench myself in own salty pond of pity and sorrow as I watch the man who I thought was my future husband parade his way out my life for good. I sit in the corner of my bedroom embracing myself in the black of the suite we used to share wishing I knew how it got here. And I tell myself, there’s so much left unsaid.

But then you come back… and I’ve already gone numb. Because let’s be honest, they always come back. It’s like watching a movie or romcom and already the ending but you enjoy it so much you put yourself through the laughs and heartache anyway. And here you are in front of me, the anger has left your aura as you scooch closer to cradle me. The warm caress of your hands on my arm no longer felt like a safety net. It felt like shards of glass ripping open my skin revealing my vulnerability for you to toy with.

To be continued…

[reticentfem]

The last time I was here…

My wrist was aching. The last time I was here, I didn’t want to see tomorrow. The last time I was here, I hated myself and everything about my life.

This time I’m here but I hate myself more than anything. I hate the way I keep allowing myself to be so vulnerable. I hate that I keep letting the toxicity poison me into thinking this is all I’m worth. But it sounds so good to sleep. And it feels so good to lose the feelings and just be numb. That sounds so beautiful. And the peacefulness it would bring to everyone around me when they don’t have to deal with me… my emotions, my impulses, my needs and wants. They’ll be released of all my issues.

But this time I’m here and I just wish I could take it all away once and for all.

[reticentfem]

I’m tired of hearing I’m sorry… cause when I look at you, deep down I know you’ll do again. And that’s what hurts me most…

[reticentfem]

I hate when I’m restless because my mind can’t stop wandering to you. The way I wish I could be tracing the outline of your soft warm skin pressing onto mine. As I admire you in the purest form of yourself where you’re not guarded and sound asleep. When the world is silent and the comfort of your embrace keeps me from drowning in my own doubts and insecurities. So I can express my affection with gentleness through my delicate lips to your forehead without the apprehension of being clingy. But even on these sleepless nights, my mind will drift back to reality. Where I’ll lay alone in the puddle of my own misery wishing I knew if you’re even thinking of me too. And I’ll nervously check your text thread hoping you’ll respond despite it being 1:11am.

-i wish you knew how much i miss you…

[reticentfem]

Missing you is pulling me back into depression…

-that’s my truth.