#chip vents

[alergic-to-peeple]

i remembered the face of someone I had thought I forgot but remembering her made me remember the other people I dont ever want to remember, I dont know why my head associated her with them, I want to forget them but remember her, I'm not sure why it won't let me I don't want to remember what she did what she did to me

[alergic-to-peeple]

too much happening, ear still is being weird, that's expected tho from the fireworks, legs hurt more than usual but not sure if it's bc fireworks or it's a bad pain day, I want to rip my skin off, it feels like something is crawling under my skin and I want it to be gone, parts of my limbs feel like static, some of my limbs feel like someone's ripping into them I know somethings wrong but I dont know what, they think im faking, why would I fake this, I struggle to move my legs most days but because we don't know what it is we can't do anything, they wont tell me anything because I'm too young to be in any serious pain, or because it's probably just dehydration because I'm pale, no my skin colors just light for someone of color, I want to know whats wrong, i don't care what it is, I want to know how to try and make it better

[alergic-to-peeple]

You ever want to say something to someone but you cant finds the words, and it's like no don't leave I'll miss you, your my friend, despite everything I consider you a friend and I don't want you to leave,

I feel like that just seems selfish of me, doesn't it? I want the person to stay but I know they can't, I know they'll leave eventually, maybe even today, they all end up leaving eventually, they end up hating me, leaving, or just sticking with me out of feeling some sense of guilt, I believe guilt is the right word, in any way its said or done they end up leaving

[alergic-to-peeple]

I feel like I messed up, I feel like that a lot but now it's like what if they don't want anything to do with me, that's multiple times feeling like this in past 2 days, actually not even days, ever since we got off for summer break ive been feeling like my friends and mutuals don't want to talk to me or anything to do with me, what if they don't want me alive, what if they've realized that there is something wrong with me, I keep seeing things, hearing things, feeling things, I know somethings wrong but don't know what, I can't talk to people, anytime I open my mouth or start typing words I feel like I've messed up as soon as one word is said or typed, I suck with comforting people because what if I make it worse, what if they no longer want anything to do with me what if my presence is nothing bit a burden, I feel like that's all I am most the time, just a burden, just that person people hang out with out of fear or feeling sad for, I don't want to be that person, maybe all I am is a burden, a burden that people only tolerate, a burden to everything around me

[alergic-to-peeple]

Rant vent thing under the cut, I'm not sure what trigwarnings to put of there are any, hallucinations I guess maybe derealization, I don't know think this is a vent

I keep seeing things more often, they said not to tell anyone because the doctors will think im crazy and theyll put me in a hospital or somwthing, i , I keep seeing things and felling trings and im not sure whats real now, some of the things ill do to try and remain calm or distract myself stuff dont work as much now, ive felt something choking me, i feel the hands and the nails, the nails scratching my skin but theres nothing therw, i try to find marks of it, of any of the things that happen but its not there, I fell something pull me back by my hair like physically yank my hair but nothings there when i look for someonw, and some of thw things i see try get closer of more disturbing, I dont want to see or feel the things, when i sleep i see horrible things, the things make me want to scream, I want to scream, I dont want to see them hurt i dont want to see them killed that way and every time its like one of three or five situations that get worse every time I dream it and its like i dont want to see you hurt in these ways, i want to wake up but I cant, somethings not letting me wake up, the medicine was suposed to help, after like day 3 it stoped working as much but i still take it in hope itll work, tomorrow im getting another prescription with it hopefully itll work, i want to know whats wrong with me, I want to know how to get it to stop or not be as bad, like when i went to the doctor the other day the people looked horrified but were also betting on what would be wrong with me? the walls were very thin, I want to know whats wrong, why do I struggle towalk, why does everything get so bad I cant walk half the time, the things I see are so freaky looking its like out of a horror movie I guess, I dont want to see the things I see, not the things in my dreams, not the things I see when awake, I dont want to tell my irl friends about some of the things because I donr want to burden them, I believe burden is the right word, they have to deal with me and i feel bad that they do, they know about some of the stuff, they know I see and hear and feel things sometimes, they know little about the dreams, sometimes when I see the things when im awake u wonder if it means anything, sometimes the things will do things and I just sit there watching I cant stand the things i see the things do sometimes, im scared that theyll get bad enough to where ill struggle with whats real and fake more than I already do, im scared ill do something horrible without even knowing due to the fact that I didn't even know they weren't physically real in the beginning, will it affect how I see everything to where I won't even have control or knowledge over what I do? Will I end up doing something that hurts one of my friends without knowing it's one of them? I've accidentally hurt myself without knowing it, I was trying to cut a peice of cookie brownie thing and didn't realize I cut my hand till I saw the blood staining the cookie thing, it happened a couple years ago but it still haunts me bc if I hurt myself without realizing it then what does that mean I could end up doing to others without realizing