Trust Issues
It is really hard to admit that your greatest fear has come true.
It’s probably one of the hardest things to face and it is so painful.
Realizing it, saying it, and owning it, is however one of the most freeing feelings on this Earth. And it will make you stronger.
I honest to god do not want to say this and mean it, I really don’t.
I always hoped it was paranoia, I always blamed myself for feeling this way, other people in my life have always made me feel bad or sort of crazy for saying this, but the longer I’ve lived the more I truly feel that one of my deepest fears is true.
I do not trust anyone except myself (and even that’s hard).
Even people who tell me over and over again that I should trust them. Especially people who tell me over and over again that I should trust them.
If someone wants me to trust them, I need a few things.
Show me I can. Prove it over time.
Show me you are honest with yourself.
Show me you don’t hold grudges.
Show me you believe in the power of transformation.
Show me you can transform.
Show me you can trust me.
Be honest with yourself, be honest with me.
Show up.
The fact that I’ve been wrestling with this feeling for so long stems from childhood— getting different stories about different people in my family from different perspectives. Suffering trauma after trauma from the time I was born, being raised around a lot of mental illness, watching other people treat each other poorly over and over again everywhere in the world. I could psycho-analyze (and have) but I won’t publicly.
The point I want to make is that admitting this and not having anyone tell me I shouldn’t feel this way, in fact, makes me a much, much stronger person.
By spending most of my time alone, reading, writing, playing music, drawing, working on my garden, I’ve had a lot of time to self-reflect. That said, I spent a lot of time totally in my head— we all do, duh, we all spend all of our time in our own head. I just mean I spend a lot of time consciously in my head, reflecting on and understanding my own psychology and why my relationships on this earth exist in the way they do or did in the past.
I also have a really good time in there. To be honest. It’s fun— I make jokes no one else gets, I come up with characters that would make other people think I’m nuts, I plan for my successes.
I’m doing a pretty decent job of making it a very nice place to be! I’m hoping to only surround myself with people who help me maintain that.
I spend most of my time with children who love me unconditionally (then I have to disappear from their lives, which I’ve only cried about once today) and with adult creators— musicians, artists, business-owners etc.
All my experiences on this Earth have led me to the conclusion: Putting faith in other people to take care of me or treat me right has only let me down.
I have to do it myself.
All I can do is be myself and allow people to believe in me and treat me well at their will.
And pay attention to what they do, not what they say.










