#chloeripper

[darlasjournals]

Trust Issues

It is really hard to admit that your greatest fear has come true.

It’s probably one of the hardest things to face and it is so painful.

Realizing it, saying it, and owning it, is however one of the most freeing feelings on this Earth. And it will make you stronger.

I honest to god do not want to say this and mean it, I really don’t.

I always hoped it was paranoia, I always blamed myself for feeling this way, other people in my life have always made me feel bad or sort of crazy for saying this, but the longer I’ve lived the more I truly feel that one of my deepest fears is true.

I do not trust anyone except myself (and even that’s hard).

Even people who tell me over and over again that I should trust them. Especially people who tell me over and over again that I should trust them.

If someone wants me to trust them, I need a few things.

Show me I can. Prove it over time.

Show me you are honest with yourself.

Show me you don’t hold grudges. 

Show me you believe in the power of transformation.

Show me you can transform.

Show me you can trust me.

Be honest with yourself, be honest with me.

Show up.

The fact that I’ve been wrestling with this feeling for so long stems from childhood— getting different stories about different people in my family from different perspectives. Suffering trauma after trauma from the time I was born, being raised around a lot of mental illness, watching other people treat each other poorly over and over again everywhere in the world. I could psycho-analyze (and have) but I won’t publicly.

The point I want to make is that admitting this and not having anyone tell me I shouldn’t feel this way, in fact, makes me a much, much stronger person.

By spending most of my time alone, reading, writing, playing music, drawing, working on my garden, I’ve had a lot of time to self-reflect. That said, I spent a lot of time totally in my head— we all do, duh, we all spend all of our time in our own head. I just mean I spend a lot of time consciously in my head, reflecting on and understanding my own psychology and why my relationships on this earth exist in the way they do or did in the past.

I also have a really good time in there. To be honest. It’s fun— I make jokes no one else gets, I come up with characters that would make other people think I’m nuts, I plan for my successes.

I’m doing a pretty decent job of making it a very nice place to be! I’m hoping to only surround myself with people who help me maintain that.

I spend most of my time with children who love me unconditionally (then I have to disappear from their lives, which I’ve only cried about once today) and with adult creators— musicians, artists, business-owners etc.

All my experiences on this Earth have led me to the conclusion: Putting faith in other people to take care of me or treat me right has only let me down. 

I have to do it myself.


All I can do is be myself and allow people to believe in me and treat me well at their will.

And pay attention to what they do, not what they say. 

[punketterespect]

“Don’t Wait” by the Barbie Army /////

The genre I like to refer to as “brat punk” started long, long ago. And it was before the Riot Grrrls.

Formed at the University of Chicago, the all-girl punk crew The Barbie Army billed themselves as a “Blues Freak Show” to get some of their earliest gigs. Just read this punk database wikipedia page for more “details” that I don’t want to regurgitate, ok?

I’m sharing this song because it’s really good. I mean, like, really good. Sweet, sassy vocals drenched in fuzz guitars and a poppin’ chord progression with cool little bass and lead-guitar solos. I interpret the song’s lyrics to be about going forward, not waiting around for people who aren’t treatin’ ya right. Sure, you can still love ‘em– you don’t gotta like ‘em– but the people you need will come back around if they truly care about you.    

My favorite lines come at the beginning:

“If you happen to think of me 

Won’t you please do it carefully? 

You can’t throw something away you never had

But you had me…”

And then some stuff about a girl from Highland Park with huge diamonds, like girls from Highland Park have. The Barbie Army has some really great songs. One of my other favorites is Oliver. 

So, ya know, just be strong, DON’T WAIT AROUND, honey. 

[darlasjournals]

Taking Sides

It is petty as hell when people take sides in a disagreement if they only ever heard one side of the story.

It’s also just dumb.

It closes doors.

It silences people.

It hurts people.

You may or may not be socially or emotionally punishing someone for something they never did. You likely don’t fully understand the context of the situation. You likely don’t know the harm that had been caused on the other side.

Taking a side when only hearing one perspective is one of the most destructive evils in our world.

We’ve written entire people out of history, we’ve emotionally destroyed pop culture icons, we’ve killed people, a lot of people, over it.

And we do this stuff to each other on a daily basis. Perhaps not on that same scale, but on a micro-scale.

And it is toxic behavior.

One of the things I’ve never been able to understand about some of the people I know is how often this has happened to me.

Almost every time I get close to someone and it doesn’t work out all of their friends go with them when we split. As in, don’t ever contact me, don’t ever attend my events, as in, don’t even acknowledge me on social media. My friends, however, are still usually pretty supportive of them. Sometimes it hurts me a good deal but in fact: I want them to be. I don’t turn stories around to try to make people hate each other: I tell them the whole truth.

I want everyone to support everyone.

I’m honest, sure, but I’m also forgiving and I can always see both sides. (Try me.)

I do believe in the power of transformation.

I am loyal to my friends, but moreover, I am loyal to humanity.