He guesses maybe he's not too good at being... good.
It hasn't been particularly nice for Kallus since landing on Yavin 4. Being Fulcrum was easier, sorta. As Fulcrum, sure he was always at risk of being caught and executed on the spot for treason, but he only had to face the rebels, the people he steadily worked to thwart for years, when sharing information to help them.
But now, he was here, and half the base actively hated him, letting him know that whenever they could, while the other half the base had an uncomfortable civility towards him. He doesn't blame them, not at all, especially after everything he has done in the name of the Empire...especially after his own stupidity as Fulcrum got Chopper base destroyed. He led to a battle that lost so many lives.
Some days he questions why he is here. No, he doesn't regret defecting, not after learning the truth about the Empire he was tricked into loving. But maybe he should go...run away like the coward he is. He ran away to the empire to escape his home, and now he wants to run away from the rebellion to escape the daily reminders that no matter how hard he works, he will always be the ex-imp that no one could...or should trust.
Somehow though this isn't the worst part; the worst part was that Zeb didn't hate him when he had more reason than anybody to do so. He doesn't deserve the kind way Zeb talks to him, he doesn't deserve the way Zeb will playfully banter with him, the way he'll spar with him, the way Zeb will seek him out just to spend time together.
And Zeb doesn't deserve the judgemental stares from other rebels. He doesn't deserve the little comments they make about him being an imp sympathizer. He doesn't deserve to be pulled down by Kallus. He deserves to be treated like the most honorable man Kallus has ever met.
The blonde knows he should tell Zeb as much, to tell him to keep his distance. But he can't, he's too selfish. He wants to be part of Zeb's orbit, being drawn by his light. Zeb meant everything to him, and he doesn't think...no, he knows...he can't do this without him.He'll continue to drag him down just so he isn't alone, just so he isn't without Zeb's light.
So like every morning, he brushes his teeth with a couple shots of whiskey, giving him the strength to face the base that hates him, face Zeb, the man that shouldn't love him, all so he can try to become an honorable one, become something Zeb can be proud of. But he knows he is barely holding on; barely keeping it together; it's getting harder every day. He guesses maybe he's not too good at being... good.
