Woke up in recovery and insisted on the nurse retrieving my phone. She wanted to put me under again and I refused. Had to promise I would sue if she even tried to put something into my I.V. in order to get her to back off. That also meant drugs as well I guess because the pain is starting to grow in increasingly aggressive waves. I’ll get a good dose when they move me but for now I want my mind clear.
She told me that I had a few people waiting for me. I told her to tell them that they can see me when I’m moved to a private room... I’m not feeling all that up for seeing anyone right now. Are you reading this? I hope you are, I wanted to let you know that I was okay... This was the best I could do.
I said to you team to tell you I was sorry. It seems like such a morbid request but I didn’t mean it in that way. I had no intention of dying on you I promise. I just.. I had gone in there to prove a point... to myself... to you.. that you didn’t need to be so fearful. That despite the dangers you face I could handle myself. It was stupid and cocky... and I regret being so reckless now... hindsight and 20/20 and all that right. Even though I went into the museum with that intention, the deciding factor for my actions were in fact the hostages. I just couldn’t leave them.
I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m sorry for not being strong enough. I’m sorry for giving into my own fear well I preached at you to stop giving into yours. I was scared that if I couldn’t convince you in someway that it was all going to be okay that you wouldn’t take a chance on me. That you’d never take that jump and see... I’m still scared of those things, but what I did was not the right way to respond to those fears. I might have done my job, saved those lives and stopped the bad guys but I don’t feel all that victorious today.
The nurse just told me they are going to move me now... So guess this will be the end of this blog post. I just needed to get this all off my chest before I saw you again...