#christine problems

[crossytea]

straight up just fucking hate the idea that my birthday is coming so fast. the idea of it just depresses the fuck out of me and makes me sad as hell. 

i like when i tell one of my closest friends the plans for sunday i just get a no as my answer. no explanation or anything. like fine, but at least tell me why instead of making it seems like a horrible idea that you’d rather pass on. 

i dont even get to talk to my dad or facetime him on my birthday either because he will be on a plane to afghanistan. and its just like the worse deja vu when i think back to the time at an earlier birthday when i got a card from him from kuwait and it was such a simple message saying he loved me and would see me soon but that was hard too. or another birthday when i got pictures of him from his webcam with signs that said happy birthday and he loved me. this whole experience is just horrible because i feel like its just a huge throwback to a really hard time for me when I was younger when he was deployed. and with all these other fucked up world problems that are happenenig, especially paris, im even more worried about him because i understand whats going on in the world today. 

you would think saying goodbye for a third time would make it easier. but it doesnt. nothing will replace seeing my parents hold hands as they say goodbye to comfort each other and say they love each other. or hearing your mom silently cry besides you in the car while you drive away from the airport. 

i dont think there is much to be happy about on that day when the most important person in my life wont be there again. not even going to “celebrate” it anymore because there isnt a point and its all worthless anyways. who even cares about being 20 anyways

[crossytea]

List of shit that happened tonight: -i get sat 5 times in a row -i end up with an 11hr shift - i had to do everyone elses side work -i had to clean the entire store - our gay host came in drunk -said host makes out/dry humps another gay boy in the middle of our store -said host ends up in his rainbow g-string in our parking lot -said host pukes in the parking lot -guest threatens to call corporate if she sees said host working again -guest threatens to call the cops on the said host and our store -i finally get home at 2am

[crossytea]

i think i am just now realizing how lonely i really am. how much i crave someone else to be with me and how i crave intimacy.

while sexual intimacy is all fun and games, i wish there was someone there for a level of psychological intimacy that i really need because i just dont care about people.

i wish i could care about people and want to be with people, but i just dont. i feel like i live my life alone a lot, when im not at work then i am just at home sleeping or watching netflix and im never with someone. i just want someone here to just hold me while i cry. 

ive realized how empty ive been feeling these last few months and how much i am missing that connection with someone. there is no intimacy in my life. i want to be able to stand the presence of someone and not feel the need to fill the void with talking, and to be able to sit in silence but be in complete sync. 

because someone lost interest in me, it brought me to realize how lonely and empty i feel. because i feel like everyone will leave me at some point. and i know if someone leaves your life then they were never meant to stay. but i wish i could beg people to stay and i wish i cared enough to try. but i feel like im content when someone leaves because i can convince myself that something better is coming. my fear is that maybe i am letting the right people in my life slip through my fingers. my bigger fear is that i dont care. because of this, im afraid i will be alone forever. i know that im not even 20 years old yet, but what if i can never fulfill this intimacy that i so desperately crave? im actually really scared, i wish i was someone else.

[crossytea]

Ugh. Today was just one of those days i shouldnt have gotten out of bed.

[crossytea]

I feel like only i would get a skin disease/conditions/whatever that doesnt have a known cause and doesnt have treatment. Like hurr-fucking-ray

[crossytea]

Im so mad i didnt find this chemwithray thingy online sooner. I think i understand chemistry now and its such an amazing feeling

[crossytea]

Went to boulder feeling decent Come back from boulder with an infection, swollen tonsil, always feeling chills, sore, body aches, hypersensitive skin, and feeling exhausted. Spent 40min in the shower under the hottest temp, and took a shit ton of med. Now i lay in bed and wonder why all the above has to happen at once whenever i get sick

[crossytea]

well now im feeling even more incredibly meh and the internal achy feeling is back. i wish things would work out in my favor, but as usual it wont. kind of over feeling like im a lot older than i actually am. spring break was a bust, and im not ready for these last 2 months of school. just need to push through and then i can figure out what im doing with my life. it just feels like i keep having to run away from this and start over, but i dont really know what to do. but one day, i will wake up and everything will be alright, and there is the silver lining. 

Life: 1

Christine: 0