#chubby!shiro

[feederalastor]

Josh Keaton: "Shiro is six-foot-four and massively thick"

me: "okay that's great, but what if he's thick with a tummy instead of thick with abs"

—which is to say: first chapter out of four (~3k). Modern AU Sheith with chubby!baker!Shiro, grad student!Keith, Hunk low-key judging Keith for his "inability" (read: refusal) to keep his hands off Shiro while they're nominally working, and absolutely tooth-rotting fluff.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21072788/chapters/50131931

[blackdonuthole]

This fandom needs more chubby Shiro. Big burly Shiro with great arms and a round gut. Unff.

[feederalastor]

okay but modern AU where Shiro’s poor therapist (Ulaz) is actually very open to things like the potential benefits of light, recreational use of marijuana, to the point that he eventually recommends Shiro try smoking a couple times a month (maybe once or twice a week, at most) to try and ease his perpetual anxiety and stress about everything

and yeah, friends and housemates Allura, Hunk, Keith, Lance, Matt, Ryou(/Kuron-inspired twin who we’re calling Ryou after GoLion!Shiro’s brother), and Pidge have to sort of nudge Shiro into even trying it instead of dismissing the entire idea as totally pointless, and someone generally has to sit with him or he might not actually smoke like he’s supposed to? but they can take turns and he does eventually listen, and it gets to the point where having people to smoke with is a, ”personal preference because Shiro loves being around people” thing, not a, “Shiro won’t do it without someone watching him” thing

either way, this does end up having a positive effect on Shiro’s mood and well-being, and stoned!Shiro is seriously the cutest shit that everyone has ever seen

for starters, stoned!Shiro is much more relaxed about his sense of humor, which everybody already knows is Questionable but he usually keeps buttoned up…… until he’s high and then he’s happily making jokes so bad that Lance cringed at them, and laughing as much as he wants at Lance’s bad jokes, which is a lot of laughing, and it’s all real, full-bodied laughs, too, not that restrained little chuckle that Shiro usually does unless you catch him way, way off his guard with something really funny

for another thing, stoned!Shiro is an incredibly affectionate little lovebug (as much as you can call him, “little” when he’s 6’3” and pretty buff). he hugs people all the time and loves to snuggle up to whoever’s closest and/or most willing, then showers them in compliments and tells them how much he loves and appreciates them. I’m not saying that Lance becomes his most frequent smoking buddy once he realizes that sharing a joint makes his Shirito want to cuddle and give pep talks that are less, “I believe in you, you can do anything you set your mind to” and more, “you’re good enough exactly as you are”…… but I’m certainly implying it loudly. stoned!Shiro also loves kissing more than sober!Shiro, and he’s so glad that he has a circle of datemates and/or close friends who are often game to make out with him

one time, Pidge and Allura walk in on stoned!Shiro hugging pit-mix shelter rescue!Rover and telling her that she is such a Good Dog, she is the Best Dog, and he’s so happy that she’s safe and loved with them. another time, Hunk walks in on Keith sitting on the couch, with Shiro sleeping while snuggled up to Keith’s lap and stomach, and Keith is crying because he’s known Shiro longer than anybody else but Ryou (since the two of them are twins) and Keith legit cannot remember the last time when Shiro was ever this relaxed or happy

probably the most noticeable difference, though, is that, even when he doesn’t exactly have the munchies, stoned!Shiro actually admits to being hungry and doesn’t give a fuck about his usual low-carb, lean-protein, calorie-counting diet. Also, his idea of a good workout is running around the park for fun or playing Dance Dance Revolution, not, “busting ass at the gym until he is in literal pain and: Allura, Keith, and/or Ryou have to go be Disappointed in him for pushing himself nearly to the point of passing out; Hunk gets sent in because he can do a good Stern face and physically, he has the easiest time of manhandling Shiro; and/or Lance, Pidge, or Matt pull out the sad puppy eyes and wibble about how Shiro’s making everybody worry about him until he feels guilty and stops for the day.” but it’s still the food thing that everybody notices first

stoned!Shiro lets his sweet tooth out, when it’s usually buried unless it’s a cheat day, and even on his cheat days, he doesn’t really indulge. the first time that he smokes up, he actually asks Keith and Allura if they can get pizza or ice cream, maybe, and looks like he could kiss both of them when they go, “Well, why not both.” he might need a moment to puzzle out what he wants because, sadly, he has gotten very good at ignoring or willfully misinterpreting his body’s signals, but he still openly says that he’s craving things that he often doesn’t let himself enjoy or wouldn’t think of (“can we get some nachos and cover them in udon noodles” “Shiro, why” “I don’t know, I just really want both of those things, then some Ben and Jerry’s, pleeeeeease just drown me in Phish Food and Chunky Monkey”)

sure, he’s only smoking up a couple times a month, but all of this does result in Shiro learning that the world isn’t going to end if he eases up on his diet a little. Which is a bit of a work-in-progress for him when he’s sober — but after a few months, Shiro’s getting a little bit chubby. not by too much yet, but he’s losing his thigh gap and gaining starter love-handles, his chest isn’t looking quite so ripped, and there’s more of that beautiful ass to grab when you’re making out with him. then there’s the pudgy tum that’s increasingly stretching out his shirts

to everyone’s surprise, though? Shiro doesn’t even mind. Actually, he kinda likes this

[feederalastor]

me: *gets nearly 6k into a chubby!Shiro/Keith PWP with consensual verbal humiliation, before having an abrupt mood crash and feeling like it’s all terrible, then posting a snippet on tumblr and going to bed because I’m too tired to pretend that I don’t crave attention and validation on an annoyingly frequent basis*

Taking in a deep breath helps Shiro get his jeans up the rest of the way, and doing up the jeans should get easier now. Not easy exactly, but no matter how much he weighs right now, Shiro’s gut is smallest at his bellybutton.

Except that a swath of sun-kissed tawny skin winks up at Shiro from between his gaping fly, while his lower belly-bulge strains against the fabric trying to keep it contained. Except that grunting and tugging on the flaps doesn’t get the button through its hole.

“‘Just a few more minutes,’ huh?” Keith drawls, and smirks playfully when Shiro startles for him and blushes. He’s leaning against the doorway to the bathroom, wearing his own pair of tight black jeans (which perfectly hug his lean, toned thighs and sit just right on Keith’s trim waist), and watching Shiro like a cat who’s trying to make up their mind about letting someone pet them. Or possibly one who wants to play with the canary first, rather than simply eating it. “And, uh, what happened to you maintaining instead of gaining, babe?”

Shiro’s cheeks burn and he slouches enough to push his fly even further open. “It was a more delicate procedure than expected, okay? The seams kept trying to rip on me.” He tries not to smirk right back at Keith as he adds, “I think these jeans must’ve shrunk in the wash.”

Keith rolls his eyes and snorts at that ridiculous excuse as he pushes off the door-frame. He drags his eyes up and down Shiro’s body while coming to his side. “Well, I think you’re on some serious wishful thinking right now, Tubby,” he says, brushing his fingers down the slope of Shiro’s belly. “See, I know how to do the laundry, and there’s no way that I would ever shrink your favorite jeans. So, y’know what I think? I think that you’ve just gotten bigger.”

If almost anybody else were saying that, Shiro would be sucking in as much as he can manage and straightening his back. But the person saying it is Shiro’s Keith, and aside from that, he can’t take his eyes off of Shiro’s belly. Ghosting his fingers over Shiro’s muffin-top with only a slight nudge into his boyfriend’s flesh, Keith looks ravenous, looks like it’s taking all the effort he has in him not to drag Shiro to the bed and fuck him senseless right now, this very second. Still, he keeps it together as he snakes his hand along the underside of Shiro’s belly before finally squeezing around the lower-hanging roll, probably filling his palm with all the chub that he can hold.

“I think your fat ass gained a bunch of weight again, and now your favorite jeans don’t fit.” Keith hums like he wants to sound pensive. He jostles Shiro’s belly and makes the fat ripple. He nods, but still doesn’t look Shiro in the eye. “Yeah, it definitely feels like there’s more of you to love…”

“There isn’t,” Shiro whines in faux-protest, trying so hard not to press against Keith’s hand when he’d love almost nothing more than to let Keith grope him and tell him how big and soft and fat he’s getting. “If I’ve put on any weight, which I haven’t? Then it’s probably just five pounds. Maybe ten, at the most.”

“Five or ten pounds on top of how much you already let yourself go before, you mean…” Keith lets the correction hang there between them for a moment, and as he looks up and meets Shiro’s gaze, his expression turns serious. “What d’you say if you want me to stop?”

“Black,” Shiro tells him without needing to think, tucking a stray piece of hair behind Keith’s ear. “And what about your safeword?”

“Don’t worry about me.” When that gets no response, Keith wrinkles his nose like an irritable kitten. “It’s red.”

They’ve had this same exchange so many times before, in different incarnations, but Shiro is usually the one who insists upon it. He doesn’t wilt over the fact that Keith’s bringing this issue up tonight, because that could mean several different things. Keith could be worrying about Shiro more than usual, because he knows that they can skirt close to complicated, messy feelings for him when they play like this, especially when Keith goes in hard. Or he could be making sure they get this out of the way because he’s eager and impatient and it is, after all, his birthday so making him wait any longer than is necessary wouldn’t be very fair. Or Keith could be planning something devilish and want to be clear on safewords before letting himself go through with it.

Either way, Shiro leans down to steal a gentle kiss. He gives Keith a nod and an easy smile by way of saying that they’re good and it’s okay, he’s fine. With a huff, Keith leans up to steal a kiss of his own — one that’s harder, rougher, deeper, but doesn’t last very long — and he’s smirking again when he settles back onto his own feet. He takes a step back and arches an eyebrow down at Shiro’s stomach, before smacking at the lower-hanging roll. Shiro gulps and tries not to get too caught up in how good that sharp crack of pain feels, in how much he likes the wobbling that Keith’s hand sends through his flesh.

“If memory serves? ‘Ten pounds at the most’ would still put you up to two-seventy-five,” Keith points out. As though it helps make his point and isn’t simply for his own enjoyment, he lifts Shiro’s lower pudge up by the underbelly, then lets it drop. The way Shiro’s middle trembles makes his face and the back of his neck burn like they’ve been set on fire, makes his breath hitch in his throat.

Keith smirks like the edge of a knife, like he’s preemptively giving his boyfriend an I told you so. “Judging from the state of your blubber, Shiro? I’m pretty sure you’ve long since passed two-seventy-five… You probably weigh at least twice what I do now, don’t you.”

Keith stretches out so that his t-shirt pulls up and shows off how slim he is, not to mention how much harder and more defined his abs have gotten in the past few months. “I just clocked in at a buck-fifty-two, by the way. Which would put you at three-oh-four. And to think, you used to be so slim, so fit… Who’d’ve ever looked at you before and thought there was such a chubby hubby under all your old muscle, just waiting, longing to get out—”

“I haven’t gotten that fat, alright, Keith?” Shiro’s blush is spreading down his neck, and even though it’s hiding nothing, he folds his arms over his stomach. “Maybe I’ve gained a little extra weight since we last checked, but there is no way that I’m as far gone as you want to think.”

Keith arches an eyebrow and huffs out a breathy laugh. “Denial isn’t very attractive, babe. Especially not when I know you’re smarter than that.”

“Denial of what? Your unfounded accusations? Everything you’re obviously saying because you’re mad at me for not being ready right when you were?” Hugging himself tighter, Shiro sucks in his stomach but not by much. “You don’t even have any evidence! You’re just coming out here and saying that I’m fatter because you want it to be true—”

“Oh, you want evidence? Okay, how about the part where those jeans fit you perfectly back at Allura’s birthday. Now, you don’t even have them buttoned and you’re bursting out of them. How’s that for evidence that you have seriously let yourself pork out this time?” Keith shrugs as if daring Shiro to argue with him, and when Shiro doesn’t take the bait, Keith groans.

Most people wouldn’t notice the difference between that sound and Keith’s normal aggravated groaning, but there’s a playful edge to it that Shiro picks up on that’s only meant for him to hear.

“Look, come on and prove me wrong, Shiro — if you really think you can.” Keith drops his hands to his slender, sharp-boned hips. If he really has gained twelve pounds, then absolutely none of it looks like fat. Pointedly arching an eyebrow, he says, “If you can get your pants done up, then fine, I’ll admit that you didn’t put on weight this summer, or at least you haven’t gotten too much bigger, and then back off. That’s that.”

“And what about if I can’t?” Even without knowing what Keith might offer, Shiro can make a few educated guesses. straightens up and starts tugging at his fly again. He doesn’t suck in, yet, though. Trouble fitting Shiro into his clothes wasn’t meant to be part of any scene tonight, but now that it is, there’s no reason for him to rush. Where’s the fun in that?

Keith shrugs and curls up his lips as he watches Shiro struggle, with a glint in his eye that says Let’s get dangerous. Keeping his voice light enough to sound almost like a threat, he comes closer again and tells Shiro, “If you can’t get those jeans fastened, or if you get them done up and the button comes off before you’ve even looked at dinner? If you bust them open or split the seams or your big. fat. ass. rips them up the back like you did when Lance took us all home for his family reunion? If you prove me right about how you’re gaining weight without really letting me enjoy it, and your favorite jeans don’t fit, and I’m held up from getting to our meal because you’ve gotten too huge and flabby to even tease me through stuffing your face, when that’s the only thing I asked for?”

He pats Shiro’s belly too gently for it to be completely honest before Shiro’s even partly stuffed. “You lose this bet, and I get you up on the scale for my birthday, while you get to see just how fat your ass has gotten lately.”

Shiro grins, trying to make it look like false confidence instead of eagerness. “I’m not fat, okay? I’m a little bit chubby since I quit dieting all the time, but it’s not like I’ve gotten huge or anything. I’m definitely not too big for my jeans. So what, I don’t look like a Calvin Klein model anymore. Sue me if you have to, Keith, ‘cause fact is? I can still do up my favorite pants.”

Keith shrugs and somehow keeps his expression singularly unimpressed, even as he kneads his fingers against Shiro’s stomach, right under the dip at his bellybutton, right where the flab crests out again. “Then quit all your bragging at me and prove it already, Wide-Load. Unless you wanna concede defeat and admit I’m right about you getting fat. I mean, it won’t get you out of letting me see how much you weigh, but you can spare yourself the busted jeans, at least.”

He presses his fingertips into Shiro’s flesh, digging in until he manages to get a whine. For all Shiro knows that part of this requires him to stay in character and stay in a certain mindset, he can’t help letting slip a sigh of admiration as Keith leans against the wall by the mirror. Maybe Shiro’s the one who let himself go off his diet, but Keith — the same Keith who normally only gets away with the lies so small, he doesn’t think of them as lies — shirks off everything he considers himself and slips into this headspace so easily, it’s almost unsettling.

But they have another problem in front of them, one that’s bulging out around Shiro’s midsection, still unsolved and keeping them from a dinner that Keith worked hard to put together. Shiro hasn’t put his best efforts into fixing this issue, though, so the wager could go either way.

[feederalastor]

Looking forward to day 1&2&3&4&5&6&7&8&....... Okay, Imma just looking forward to all the days of chub!

So, I’ve spent almost two days on-off trying to figure out if, “you and me both, nonny” was too tacky a response, or too cryptic, or anything

I’m still not sure, bu that said: 1. kfdfhd, thank you, nonny? I’m sorry that I can’t promise any kind of actual schedule or that I’ll actually stick to doing one thing per day, with one of the major reasons being grad school, another one being the part where I can’t draw so I have to write instead and not all of my ideas end up being easily translated, and……

2. (Un)fortunately for everyone, the, “quick chubby!Shiro palate cleanser pwp thing” that I had an idea for back on the 9th…… turned into a 29k monster and there’s literally no excuse for it having that kind of word-count because there is no plot, it’s literally just one evening’s activities between Keith and Shiro, with consensual verbal humiliation, unintentional weight gain with past intentional weight gain, Keith having a numbers kink and being a dork about it, Shiro getting off on his own embarrassment but having mixed feelings and being a dork about it, stuffing, belly rubs, grinding groping frotting and Keith coming in his jeans, references to Hunk/chubby!Lance, hand-feeding because why the heck not, mutual teasing, buff-and-also-thicc!Keith, making out, cuddling, good use of safewords and mutual checking on each other while pushing limits, the distant sound of me crying into the printout I made of @roundelet‘s thesaurus of bellies and/or smacking my face into my big hardback Roget’s International Thesaurus (7th Ed.) as I increasingly run out of ways to describe Shiro’s body and what’s going on that still sound sexy instead of pretentious, and Keith and Shiro being the biggest nerds in the universe who flirt with each other like an enormous pair of nerds because that’s exactly what they are

So, if that sets any kind of precedent, then…… uh. You and I are both “looking forward” to all the days of chub, nonny, at least in that neither of us has any idea what’s coming — because I expected that fic to max out at MAYBE 5k to 8k, so the end result is seriously bigger than I expected (from, “a little over three-and-a-half times the size of what I thought” to, “almost six times as long as I thought it would be”), so…… I was going to end this on some kind of bad joke about surprises and a gif of Viktor Nikiforov, but then I got distracted and lost it and couldn’t pick a gif, so I’m just gonna link to my fic and scuttle away to reply to comments and run errands like an adult

Spice Cake And Sugar Frosting (Explicit, Keith/Shiro, 29,700 words)

Summary: The plan is for them to spend Keith’s birthday having dinner at home, followed by their own special, private party, but between Keith over-estimating how much food they’ll need, Shiro getting too big for his favorite jeans, and both of them being easily distracted by kisses and kinky teasing? Well, let’s just say that Keith and Shiro hit a few snags along the way, but at least neither of them exactly minds.

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, chubby!kink, Chubby Shiro, Weight Gain, Stuffing, Feeding Kink, Size Difference, Established Relationship, POV Shiro (Voltron), Kink Negotiation, Dirty Talk, Flirting, Affection, Fluff and Smut, Kink Without Plot, Safewords, Dorks in Love, Light Dom/sub, Verbal Humiliation, Humiliation, Consensual Kink, Situational Humiliation, Food Porn, Tight Pants, Teasing, Grinding, Belly Rubs, Frottage, Keith (Voltron) Is A Tease, Birthday Smut, Groping, Coming In Pants, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Shiro (Voltron) Is A Tease, Feedism, I’m Sorry, Why Did I Write This?, What Was I Thinking?, Shameless Smut, Self-Indulgent, The Author Regrets Everything, Affectionate Insults, Dessert & Sweets

[feederalastor]

27 days of chubby!voltron, because reasons

The reasons being, “because I wanted to,” “because I felt like it,” “because no one else had made one yet,” “because I’m weak for prompt memes,” and, “because why the Hell not, that’s why.”

Anyway, here you go, if you want it. A Voltron (VLD)-specific chub!kink prompt meme.

Many prompts were inspired or borrowed from the 20 days of chub!kink meme by @iwritetheweirdstuff​, the 21 days of chub wolf meme by @chubstilinski​, and my own old ask box meme.

day 1: unintentional weight gain

day 2: oblivious/in denial

day 3: feeder/feedee and/or mutual weight gain

day 4: alien attitudes toward chub

day 5: weighing, measuring, numbers kink, etc.

day 6: Altean biology + chub

day 7: Hunk appreciation day! (anything goes, as long as it’s about Hunk)

day 8: feeding and/or stuffing

day 9: size difference/comparisons

day 10: magically or science-fictionally enhanced weight gain

day 11: surprisingly delicious alien food

day 12: chubs + sports/gym

day 13: Galra biology + chub

day 14: starter belly/superchub

day 15: teasing, humiliation, dirty talk, etc.

day 16: spoiling, pampering, comfort, indulgence, gluttony, etc.

day 17: competitive gaining, eating, or whatever

day 18: embarrassed/flustered

day 19: tight clothes, button-popping, seam-ripping, etc.

day 20: other alien biology + chub

day 21: hands on (groping, squeezing, jiggling, slapping, tickling, etc.)

day 22: focus on a body part other than bellies

day 23: body-worship or body-part worship

day 24: misadventures with gravity (gaining weight on a planet where you feel lighter than you do on earth, being chubby on a planet where you feel heavier, chubs accidentally turning off the artificial gravity while making out, whatever)

day 25: food-related AU (coffee-shop, restaurant, bakery, food critic/blogger, chef, reality cooking show, whatever)

day 26: other AU of your choice

day 27: chubby![your fave] — literally anything, just a free day for your fave chubby character(s)

[feederalastor]

note to self: the modern AU where the Paladins and Allura (probably also Matt and Shay because why not) all share a place together, and we start with a group effort to make Shiro chill out, relax, and take better care of himself

(which is seriously way overdue because Shiro, honey? you are fooling no one by faking a smile and saying that you’re okay. everybody knows that you’re kind of a high-key mess, like a few weeks ago, you literally put yourself in the hospital from a mix of stress and refusing to believe that you had strep throat, not “just a nasty cold, it’s fine,” so yeah, you need to relax)

but it progressively evolves into group feedist and/or gaining and encouragement funtime, some of it platonic and other parts increasingly not, and anyway the point is that Shiro gets fat and happy (—and hey, if anybody else in the house puts on a few pounds with him, well that’s okay too)

[feederalastor]

me: hey, brain, do you think we could come up with some chubby!Shiro idea that we could just toss off quickly as, idk, a palate cleanser

my douchebag brain:

douchebag brain: okay, so how about this. modern AU — Sheith, Shance, or Shklance, take your pick. Pidge just turned 21; Hunk, Lance, and Keith are 24 or going on it; Shiro, Matt, Allura, and Shay are like 27. Pidge and Matt developed some app game that makes a ton of money and are generally regarded as not having real jobs. Hunk is going to grad school to become a therapist. Shay is a local activist and community organizer and has to be kept from adopting all the puppies at the local ASPCA—

me: wait, that’s kind of—

douchebag brain: Allura, Lance, and Keith all work at the local department of parks and rec. Allura is being mentored by the assistant director, who totally isn’t Leslie Knope but she’s not NOT-Leslie Knope either — y’know, like how you love putting in random secondhand bookshop owners named Fell who happen to have flash bastard husbands but it’s not REALLY a Good Omens crossover—

me: I’m familiar with the concept of an easter egg, yes, but—

douchebag brain: So, Lance and Keith, then. Keith isn’t exactly the resident April Ludgate but baby boy is pretty much only working this job ’til he’s done with the great American sci-fi novel or makes it big with his band that is totally just Keith by himself or something. Lance, otoh, LOVES his job. He does a lot of youth outreach, public interfacing, canvassing for opinions, moderating at community meetings and public forums, and “otherwise bothering people,” in Keith’s words—

me: That’s great, but what about Shir—

douchebag brain: YES. SHIRO. He’s going to grad school, too, but this is probably a fairly recent turn of events. You know how I brought up secondhand bookshops with Good Omens easter egg owners? He works at one of those when he’s not in school. He really isn’t where he thought he was supposed to be in life, and a big reason why is that his life got derailed for a while by an abusive now-ex-boyfriend named Maurice—

me: Is Shiro’s ex supposed to be Sendak?

douchebag brain: Duh-doi.

me: ………Duh-doi what?

douchebag brain: Of course he’s supposed to be Sendak, loser. What else are you supposed to name a modern AU version of a guy named “Sendak” except for, “Maurice”?

me: *looks down at my “Where The Wild Things Are” t-shirt and sighs, but says nothing*

douchebag brain: Anyway, Shiro totally started grad school because he lost most of his sense of direction while working on recovery after he finally got a restraining order against Maurice, and his therapist was just like, “Bro…” because at a certain point, Shiro wasn’t making a lot of progress while working at the bookshop, going to the gym, and otherwise not really leaving his apartment unless Keith or one of his roomies made him—

me: Are his flatmates Allura/Shay and Matt? And Matt and Shiro used to date?

douchebag brain: You know it!

me: So where do the other ones live?

douchebag brain: Hunk, Lance, Pidge, and Keith regularly play roommate-swap because someone (usually Keith) decides that they need space from someone or other. But the usual arrangement is Hunk and Keith (because Keith needs to be reminded to eat, and Hunk likes having a roomie who does their own dishes, will join him for marathons of hilariously bad movies, and doesn’t have a chip on their shoulder about admitting that they love Legally Blonde) + Pidge and Lance (because they both play video games at ridiculous hours of the night and don’t mind enabling each other’s weird obsessive phases)

me: Okay, but what about Shiro. Let’s get back to him.

douchebag brain: Okay, at Pidge’s 21st birthday party, Keith and/or Lance notice(s) that Shiro has started to kinda get a tummy while going to grad school. It’s probably Lance who notices tbh, because Lance isn’t actually oblivious to details, and, “Oh hey, Shiro looks like he’s actually doing okay for once, and I mean, he’s always been hot, but like, he’s exceptionally so tonight, and… Wait, that shirt used to be looser on him, didn’t it, and…… Oh jeez, he has a tummy, when did that happen” is totally a detail that Lance would notice

me: And Keith doesn’t really notice until Lance points it out because he’s just happy that Shiro’s doing better, and then Lance goes, “Buddy, my man, what do you know about Shiro getting fat,” and Keith is like, “?? He isn’t, what are you even talking about,” and Lance is like, “Look! He has a tummy and omg, HOT??” and then both of them are suddenly Very Interested—

douchebag brain: YES GOOD EXACTLY. There, see, are you finally getting the point about working WITH me instead of complaining all the time?

me: ………Well, I would actually like to know how this is supposed to fulfill the, “short” thing?

douchebag brain:

douchebag brain: Hey, what do you think about Matt awkwardly trying to flirt with Hunk while Hunk doesn’t get that Matt is trying to flirt, and I don’t know, muffins are involved somehow, most likely

me: *shakes head; sarcastically* ……incredible. Absolutely incredible