#cin1

[kurtexists]

(And my cervix and a fallopian tube)

No more pre cancerous cells for this guy!

[acecafelatte-blog]

Did you add enough fuel to this hot air balloon?

Things are turning around. At least, I think they are.

It's been in and out of the doctors due to having CIN1. My last doctor did the biopsy, which ended up with that result and he wanted to immediately do cryotherapy and possibly a cone biopsy. After a second opinion, yea... not doing that. It will be monitored for about a year and then we can go from there. This whole thing was completely stressing me out and scaring the shit out of me though.

Also on Friday, I received a call from the job I interviewed with. A few weeks ago they had said that they wanted to hire both myself and another candidate, but the other person had more experience and the higher ups weren't letting them hire two. I was asked to keep them updated with my contact information in case they ever got the approval. Well, apparently they did. I was offered the job. It is a completely higher starting salary, more than I've ever earned. When I told my mother, I broke down in tears. This job is 15 minutes away, has benefits, super higher pay, and best part is that I can wear jeans. (Sad, I know. JEANS excite me.) I start on May 5th and my current job has already been told. I'm beyond excited!

Now the bittersweet part: My ex-fiance and I have actually been talking again and hanging out. About two weeks ago or so, I REAMED him a new one. I'm not going to get into all that I said, but it came down to that I was completely gone and wanted nothing to do with him. That he was an asshole as a friend and as someone that said they loved me and wanted to try again. That the only way I'd even be his friend is if he worked on his shit with his drinking, got help, and actually acted like he gave a flying fuck about me. The next day, he dumped all the liquor. His mom even says he cut down a lot, which I didn't expect cold turkey because honestly, I haven't been cold turkey myself. We've been talking everyday since. Hell, he even calls sometimes. Now lately, we've been hanging out again, like going fishing, just chilling and watching tv, going to karaoke, etc. About a week ago, we went out then came back here, and he told me he loved me a few times.. that he wants to be more than friends, but I told him to let me know when he's ready for it, until then, I'm his friend. I haven't heard I love you since. Last night even leaving his house, he grabbed my hand with that kind of lingering "I don't want you to go" pull on it as I got in my car.

I guess my thought process about all that is fucked. Part of me is completely ecstatic and YAY! We're rebuilding! I have my best friend back! The other part of me is like, how long will this last? Is this going to turn into "Hey, just realized that I like you only as a friend, but that's cool, you said you were okay with that!" I am. Kind of. My heart still wants him, wants him so badly. I feel like this situation is in comparison to a carrot on a treadmill. (Actually, make it cake.) Now that we don't really talk about us, I'm afraid that any flame could die at any second. 

Either way, I'm doing my best to remain positive about everything and look forward. I have an apartment to save up for, bills to take care of, and my own life by myself to worry about. 

I just hope there's enough fuel to keep this all floating.