Tales of a Neurotic Nothing @acecafelatte-blog - Tumblr Blog

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There are days where it is hard to decipher if I'm unhappy or just tired. Is it both? Is it one or the other? The stress at work, the yelling at his house, school work, my own family, debt, oh... how I could go on. It's as though I have been placed in this bubble that is impossible to pop. I feel so stagnant and permanent in one place... the place where I'm constantly questioning if I should be there or not. Aldjdkdhdslfhd. Whatever. Hello, beer.

It's been a while, oh journal of mine.

Things are ... okay.

There are moments, just like this one, where words seem so cryptic and difficult to relay everything that my mind spits.

I'm so very tired of feeling stuck in every aspect of my life. I look around this damn studio apartment with my cat that's yelling at me constantly and all I want to do is run.

There are moments, just like this one, that make me feel like I should have moved to Seattle like I planned to. I should have ran.

Shut up, cat.

Whatever.

Drug and background test today for the new job.

Tonight is the bar with some friends.

Tomorrow, well.. I _thought_ I had plans, but apparently that's up in the air even though we said dinner and a movie since _Tuesday_.

Sunday, I guess the flea market.

I don't know why I'm in a funk. I have been since yesterday. it's like this came on so suddenly and I feel like shit. This chronic roller coaster of depression is going to kill me one day and there's nothing I can ever do to stop it. It never goes away. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing that it'll kill me eventually.

Did you add enough fuel to this hot air balloon?

Things are turning around. At least, I think they are.

It's been in and out of the doctors due to having CIN1. My last doctor did the biopsy, which ended up with that result and he wanted to immediately do cryotherapy and possibly a cone biopsy. After a second opinion, yea... not doing that. It will be monitored for about a year and then we can go from there. This whole thing was completely stressing me out and scaring the shit out of me though.

Also on Friday, I received a call from the job I interviewed with. A few weeks ago they had said that they wanted to hire both myself and another candidate, but the other person had more experience and the higher ups weren't letting them hire two. I was asked to keep them updated with my contact information in case they ever got the approval. Well, apparently they did. I was offered the job. It is a completely higher starting salary, more than I've ever earned. When I told my mother, I broke down in tears. This job is 15 minutes away, has benefits, super higher pay, and best part is that I can wear jeans. (Sad, I know. JEANS excite me.) I start on May 5th and my current job has already been told. I'm beyond excited!

Now the bittersweet part: My ex-fiance and I have actually been talking again and hanging out. About two weeks ago or so, I REAMED him a new one. I'm not going to get into all that I said, but it came down to that I was completely gone and wanted nothing to do with him. That he was an asshole as a friend and as someone that said they loved me and wanted to try again. That the only way I'd even be his friend is if he worked on his shit with his drinking, got help, and actually acted like he gave a flying fuck about me. The next day, he dumped all the liquor. His mom even says he cut down a lot, which I didn't expect cold turkey because honestly, I haven't been cold turkey myself. We've been talking everyday since. Hell, he even calls sometimes. Now lately, we've been hanging out again, like going fishing, just chilling and watching tv, going to karaoke, etc. About a week ago, we went out then came back here, and he told me he loved me a few times.. that he wants to be more than friends, but I told him to let me know when he's ready for it, until then, I'm his friend. I haven't heard I love you since. Last night even leaving his house, he grabbed my hand with that kind of lingering "I don't want you to go" pull on it as I got in my car.

I guess my thought process about all that is fucked. Part of me is completely ecstatic and YAY! We're rebuilding! I have my best friend back! The other part of me is like, how long will this last? Is this going to turn into "Hey, just realized that I like you only as a friend, but that's cool, you said you were okay with that!" I am. Kind of. My heart still wants him, wants him so badly. I feel like this situation is in comparison to a carrot on a treadmill. (Actually, make it cake.) Now that we don't really talk about us, I'm afraid that any flame could die at any second.

Either way, I'm doing my best to remain positive about everything and look forward. I have an apartment to save up for, bills to take care of, and my own life by myself to worry about.

I just hope there's enough fuel to keep this all floating.

#new job #cin1 #cryotherapy #relationship

That you look at everyday? Another drunken conversation. Last drunken phone call, I was told how much of a mistake it was to let me go and how much you missed me. I had one night out. Ruined because you're upset for some god forsaken reason and drank about 6 shots of Jameson in one sitting and I get some bullshit attitude. I don't need this. I have so much going on that anymore I feel like I'm drowning and I can only gasp for air on occasion. Have fun not remembering the shit you say to me. Keep up with pushing me away. I'm barely a moment from walking away and attempting to move on with my life. Sad thing is, they say you don't give up on the ones you love. What if they gave up on you first? I feel stupid for caring. He never responded. I suppose we'll see what he has to say when he's sober, if he says anything at all. After this, I'll probably get ignored for days again until the next drunken text or call. All I can do is pray he finds peace, even if I'm not in the picture anymore, even as a friend.

HOLY FUCK.

I feel like I could break. It's so hard to keep your head up when everything keeps pulling it down. On top of losing my fiance and it's constantly up and down with him and some dumb shit chick is blowing up his phone while I get ignored, my job being shit, I had to quit school, my brother now has a spot on his liver, my pay has been shit, I'm trying to move forward, no one wants even hang out, I'm going stir crazy, I'm stuck in this god damn house, now I have to go for a colposcopy and cervical biopsy next week. Again this month, my period is off. I'm fucking losing it. I'm scared shitless. I feel like I'm so fucking alone, even with family and some friends being there. When do I get a break? When is the light at the end of the tunnel not some fucking freight train? Just hit me already. Hit me as hard as you can. I'm so tired of being depressed.

Big girls don't cry.

So my job interview is today. I'm so nervous. I feels like my stomach is going to be ripped out of me. What doesn't help is that he hasn't said a word to me in two days. Not even a "Good luck" today. Shitty thing on top of it, his friends on Facebook were asking him what's wrong and he posted his number and asked for calls and texts to keep his mind busy. When I tried to do that, I got pushed away and now nothing. Asshole. The person closest to him gets shoved aside while friends who never talk to him, he suddenly needs? I get treated like I'm some back burner bitch? Yea, work out those demons. I'll be here on the curb, waiting.

Another thing on top of it, last month my period was CRAZY light. I've been queasy on and off for over a month, insanely itchy all over (odd symptom), and my period is due today.. Still nothing. I'm going to have wait until this weekend to get another test if nothing comes. If I am, I guess I'll just be doing this on my own. I'm not going to have him suddenly want to be with me because I have his kid. I'm a big girl. I can do it on my own. But what if I get this job? I am screwing myself over? Do I get an abortion? I'd be two months pregnant by now, maybe more.

Fuck. The irony of my life astounds me.

#job interview #pregnancy #life #ignored #stress

Hope

He broke up with me Thursday. I spent most of my weekend hungover and broken.

I'm done with booze. So done. I made a huge post of Facebook about it so I'm not going to say it all again. Him and I are still friends. Well, barely. "I don't think you understand... we are only friends. If I wanna talk to you, we'll talk. If you need something, call or text me. I don't wanna talk about my issues. I don't want to share my problems with anyone." This was not long after we had a very calm and good discussion about us eventually trying again and what it would take to do so, but until he is ready, we are just friends. Unfortunately I was apparently smothering him because I would just text him little things to make him smile or ask how his night was going. Apparently I should've just been waiting for any word from him. That's fine though. Once he said that, you know, in my own right need the time to focus on my own demons. He's working on his. If we never get back together, then so be it. I will move on, it will just take some time. Until then, all I can do is give him the space he needs and work on my own life.

I have my job interview tomorrow. I'm feeling much better after cutting the alcohol out of my life and as much as things are still shitty in their own right, I have to be strong and try to smile.

I just wish I didn't miss him. I miss even just sitting at that awful counter and getting the scent of him as he'd walk near me. I miss the way his mustache felt on my lip whenever he'd kiss me. I miss that handsome smile that would make me melt every time.

I can't bring myself to delete pictures on my phone or take down the two I have at my cubicle. I need to have some hope that perhaps one day we can try again. I know he still loves me, he said he did. You don't just simply give up on the ones you love. Sometimes it means just stepping back.

boyegas-deactivated20181222

EDAJHDCSHJGEFA

I feel like I'm blogging to this account too much. It's too personal. Then again I started this name for journal purposes anyway, so fuck it. I got my raise today, which is the starting pay that we agreed upon. That's always a good thing, until you realize it may only increase the paycheck by no more than 20 bucks every two weeks. Then I get told "NO MISTAKES. IT'S VITAL." Where as I'm data entry and human error will be inevitable. Plus more responsibility that I wasn't trained on, and everything else I deal with, plus the cost of commuting everyday... I need a new job. No school, dead end job, debt up to my eye balls, a relationship that's killing me, not being able to move out... plus other stresses... I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need a miracle.

gilestori-blog

mcginnis3

Yep

showslow-deactivated20180412

It’s weird…You know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second…just so it can hurt a little more.

Unknown (via showslow)

#QUOTE #END #BEGINNING #CHANGE

fuckyeahjhene

I’m loyal in relationships. If I’m your girlfriend, that’s it. I’m practicing to be your wife at that point because I treat it seriously.

Jhené Aiko (via fuckyeahjhene)

Are you there, God? It's me, Ace.

What do you do when all faith seems lost? I've been agnostic for a very long time now, but there has always been a desire to find something to believe in. Something that will pick me up when I feel like I've hit the bottom. It's so strong of a desire lately that I feel like I'm drowning and can't come up for air. I've been praying.. praying for a way out of this mindset that has been eating away at me for a while now. When does a god answer? Do they ever? Am I hopelessly looking into a void that has no eyes to peer back at me? What do you do when there is no light at the end of the tunnel? I want to feel better again. I want to believe again. I want hope again. I want to breathe again. God, if you're there, I could sure use your help.

#faith #god #lost #drowning