"How Much Longer?!": A Ficlet
Scene: A hotel room in Las Vegas. Early evening, Thursday April 26th.
Luca Guadagnino unwinds from a day of press and mixed reviews of the "Suspiria" clip shown at Cinemacon. He is drinking an aperitif on a sofa.
Luca: “Helloo! Yesss? Luca here!”
Shuffling and clanging is heard on the other end.
Tim: “Luca? Luca! It's me, Timmy--Tim-- I mean Tim! NOT Timmy-Tim. Aaaahhh...”
Luca: rolling his eyes "Ah yes! Teeeeemotay. What a nice surprise...”
Tim: “Haaaaha yes, well you sound less than thrilled to hear my voice, hahah..”.
Luca: rolling his eyes and stamping his feet with annoyance “No Teemy! Always happy to hear from my caro amico. I heard the “Beautiful Boy” clip went down a storm! Are you calling to brag? Ahahahahahaaa!” *gesticulates with annoyance*
Tim: “Yeah...yeah it did. I mean, I was really happy with the reactions I was hearing and reading about but...but Luca--”
Tim: (in a pathetic attempt at an Italian accent) Luuuuuuucaaa...
Luca: “Teemy. You sound maybe a little drunk.”
Tim: (maudlin, pleading) “How much more Luca. How much MORE??!?"
Luca: (on the road to irritation)“Teemy. Listen to me piccolo. I have no idea what you are talking about. Please use your words.”
Tim: “Luca! I can’t take much more of these pictures!!! I swear to God it’s like EVERY OTHER DAY...!”
Tim: “That-that Japanese book full of BEHIND THE SEX pictures of me and Armie!!! You know?!?!”
Tim: (drunkenly indignant) “Behind the SCENES! Come on Luca! Get your head out of the gutter!”
Luca: (holds phone away from his ear)“Che diavolo!!!?”
Tim: “So I got back to my flat tonight-an, an I started lookin’ at Twitter to read...what people were saying an...an all of a sudden, I get ASSAULTED by these HARD NIPPLES and glistening abs and tiny shorts!”
Luca: (pause) “Are you talking about Armie??”
Tim: “YES OF COURSE I’M TALKING ABOUT ARMIE! Who else was there!?!?”
Luca: “Teemy, you are not yourself right now. You are all riled up. You are bugging out mimmo!”
Tim: (suddenly sober and serious) “Luca. Luca, tell me: what other pictures do they have?”
Luca: “How am I supposed to know!? I do not know where these pictures are coming from Teemy! You need to talk to someone from the studio!”
Tim: (whispering conspiratorially, sounding drunk again) “Luca. Do you--do yooou think someone took a picture of mee an Armie...I think maybe we made out a few times when the camera wasn’t rolling...”
Luca: (rolling his eyes with a guffaw) “Yes, only a few times I’m sure.”
Tim: (whispering even more so) “I might’ve pretended to go down on him once or twice I dunno...you know!?”
Luca: (straining to hear) “Che? Cosa?!?!”
Tim: (with drunken despair) “I got on my knees in front of him and buried my face between his legs three or five times but like, just for FUNSIES!”
Luca: (rubbing his eyes with his free hand) “Mio Dio.."
Tim: (desperately, sound of plates crashing) “JUST LIKE A BRO-THING LUCA. YOU KNOW!!!! Luca, you know...how we’re bros that way???”
Luca: (muttering to himself while gesticulating wildly) “When will I be free of these buffone!?!?!?”
Tim: “Luca...Luca are you still there!? I can’t take much more of this!”
Luca: "Teemy my friend. Just keep doing what you are doing. Focus on the craft!
Tim: "It's hard to focus on anything other than that BODY that people keep HOUNDING me with! Hard, tanned, covered in cum--comely sweat and laying there by the pool..."
Luca has been banging his head gently against the wall in his room during Tim's last soliloquy
Luca: "Uh-oh! Teemy so sorry but I am being summoned to dinner---" (no one is summoning him to dinner)
Tim: "But I have more to get off my chest Luca! You're the only one who knows.. "
Luca: (loud enough for Tim to hear) "Yes Dakota! Imma be right there girl!"
Tim: (defeated ) "Okay. I guess you better go now. PROMISE YOU WON'T TELL ARMIE!!!"
Luca: "Caro mio, I will tell no one anything. Non ti preoccupare!"
Tim: (maudlin, needy) "Luca, I miss his diii--"
Dial tone sounds as Luca hangs up on him.
Luca: (kicking over a suitcase, yanking at the little hair he has left) "BASTA! THESE TWO!!!"
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