An EEdict is Passed, Part I
Long ago, a collective named ANSI was founded by a group of engineers who were antsy about current standards. It is often rumored that the ANSI collective not only cast dimension requirements for hex nuts, but also cast a hex on their creators and all other mainstream engineers, who would henceforth be cursed with cute names. Consequently, the following series of objectionable, but tongue-ergonomic mappings was instituted:
Mechanical engineers (ME) would be known as "mechies"
Electrical engineers (EE) would be known as "double-E's"
Computer engineers (CpE) would be known as "ceepies"
Chemical engineers (ChE) would be known as "chemies"
Civil engineers (CE) would be known as "civies"
Environmental engineers (EnE) would be known as "envies", or even better, "eenies"
Industrial engineers (IE) would be known as "indies"
Petroleum engineers (PE) would be known as "petries"
Nominally a civie in my primordial pre-frosh state, I was told in CAD class that I would discover moments of joy, moments of excitement, and moments of inertia designing sewage pipes. However, environments changed and I changed phases as well, first from civie to mechie; then from mechie to EE, a more entropically favorable state from which to cause mayhem.
Truth be told, I felt slightly out of depth. As a newbish wallflower who watched while other students had a ball with programming, I missed the EEPROM in high school.
But after a brush with the Dark Side of the Force, aka Digital Signals and Filtering (DSF), I learned the mysterious language of EEs. EE is a difficult major – we develop terminology to confuse the business majors and our enemies, but wind up scaring ourselves half the time. Now having climbed the mountain of checksheets and spoken with the zen masters in their office hours, I bear a mini-dictionary back to the reader for enlightenment.
Digital Design:
Face deMorgan le Fay’s wrath in the black sorcery of digital design. You must train hard. A geeky kung-fu master is impelling you to awkwardly flip-flop up a mountain of logic with a backpack load of strenuous K-mapping. We are his digital disciples and must follow his every 32-bit command. Students who speak up in class are given frequent “load from memory” instructions in class (usually resulting in cache misses). On the bright side, students are given the tantalizing abstraction of drumsticks and chicken wings for 1’s and 0’s.
In my semester, students were serenaded at the start of every class with ukulele by a wander’ng minstrel on roller skates, which was faintly awesome. Dr. Lambda paid him no heed.
“Drumstick-drumstick-drumstick—CHICKEN WING—drumstick-drumstick…” – A class with Dr. Lambda
"Dr. Lambda, what is your favorite state?" – a lecture on state machines starting to get deep
Circuits:
"And the voltage is one minus E to-the mi-nus T-over-TAU," chanted Dr. Phi, enshrined in that charged CCD frame of emotion as the high priest of TTL logic.
It is a mystical class of wonder and electrical shamanism. You will learn all about the tribal resistors and their trichromatic war paint markings. With a touch of kind humor, Dr. Phi initiates you into the rituals of capacitors and inductors (if you put a capacitor and an inductor in the same enclosed circuit, they will fight), as well as op amps, those weird analog idols no one in the course understands. Savage circuit analysis techniques from the times of druids like Kirchoff are taught, requiring brute-force computation.
Digital Signals and Filtering:
In DSF, you begin to entertain aspirations of being an archaeologist in the ancient Land of Laplace, searching for rare and cursed artifacts hidden in the discrete sands of time-domain. But in the seedy underworld of time-invariant systems, we learn to shift first and ask questions later. Dr. Delta is rigorous in his methods and will challenge you.
Common question: “Why am I having so much trouble with a problem made from imaginary numbers?”
Microprocessors:
Enjoy the existential pleasure of blinkenlights plugged into warm underpinnings of a USB firestorm. View daguerreotypes of ye olde microprocessor in your friendly datasheet. Good fences make good neighbors, and we learn from Dr. Phi that good tristate buffers make good bus communications. As you struggle with writing simple LCD menus, you will atavistically stop wondering who were these cave men of the 1960s, who gazed in unabashed wonder at 16-bit graphics of yore.
Solid State Devices:
It’s like kindergarten all over again, if intrepid kinder were allowed to drink from a firehose. Dr. Mu loves his pictures, and you will draw neat little diagrams that rival your childhood drawings for nonconformity during the time pressure of tests. His sardonic grin will tunnel students through the oxide layer of time into the fairyland of picture books, while occasionally inducing wild handfuls of hair extraction.
Dr. Mu also tells bedtime stories about cat-whisker diodes, blue LEDs, and Nicolae Tesla, although naptime comes at the premium of missing the sweetness of the firehose. While the solid state models of our minds form sleepy depletion regions to force out what we've just learned, slowly we hum and smile to the good vibrations of phonons skipping through the crystal lattice.
Electromagnetic Fields:
EM tango! So says Ullaby, that one textbook with the special peel-away cover, shedding black fuzz like a Pekinese. Dr. Theta teaches physics well and has a phlegmatic voice that drones soothingly. We think fondly about the marriage of E and M; suddenly we see the whole spectrum of their existence as they propagate and produce little wavelets, their time-harmonic lullabies lulling us to sleep in our one nighttime naptime class.
Electronics Lab:
“Electronics lab is my new home!” - Random student
Student A: “I’m having trouble believing I’m not in the Matrix.”
Student B: “I’m having trouble believing I’m not in Electronics lab.”
It’s a time vortex that can suck up over twenty hours of your week. Not to say it isn’t fun. You will learn many important life lessons that you never knew before. For example:
Although crime doesn’t pay, being a thoughtful, law-abiding EE doesn’t always pay off either. It has been proven by algorithmic analysis that building a CS amplifier by working out the theory on paper takes O(N^2) time. Behind you, your lab partner frenetically swapping in random resistors from on high will create a circuit with supremely high gain in logarithmic time. He will, however, require a trash can with space proportional to N to store the freshly toasted components who failed to pass the test of fire. By empirical analysis, we can infer that analog circuits are magic. And engineers are people who make things work.
If your sine-wave signal on the oscilloscope screen is getting fuzzy, it may be because your 1k resistor has given up on life and is now doing a feeble impression of a whale blowing smoke out of its red-hot blowhole.
In your time, you may learn practical tricks for surviving in the wilderness, such as setting traps. Turn several DIP chips upside down and forget where you put them. Your friendly TA will arrive, come to rest his elbows while checking your work, and helpfully find your lost chips with loud honks of surprise.
“OW!!*$! Is that why you brought me here? To trap me?”
– Mr. Kappa, our TA, after using his elbows to step on our trap
“Ow, my head—my head!”
– Unlucky student struck by a piece of someone else’s bright idea
Student: “Hug me Kappa.”
Mr. Kappa: “Ok.” <slumps on student’s back>
– Consolation after a frustrating debugging session
"Thank you for being good boys and not blowing yourselves up."
– Moving farewell from Mr. Kappa