The time when I thought I was called to the religious life...
When I was 19- 20 years old, I was still taking my courses for my field of study. I had a guy friend who was a selfish and distant person, but I still talked to him. He was not a good person because he insisted me to make me a “Christian.” One time he introduced me to a buff male who supposedly did bible studies. I am all here innocent and a door mat around him. They belong to the Protestant Christian church. At first the guy who was my friend showed up to the Bible studies but sooner or later he stopped and ignored the text messages. I know, I know, he betrayed me. I stayed with that buff guy and his bible studies.. I was so innocent and curious. That guy was a young, ex gangster who was in jail before. I started talking to him about my beliefs and my interests in literature especially chastity and purity. In short story, one time out of the blue, he calls me names. He tells me to be a nun and tells me ugly names about the catholic faith. He said how come I don’t paint my nails and pamper up like other girls with make up etc. He said to me: “I am going to pray so you become a nun.”
I didn’t know why he acted like that but I knew he killed my innocent nature. I was quiet and calm. Much calmer than I am right now. I wanted to tell other people but I was so shy and hurt. I didn’t know how to open up about this to others. I talked to my female friend and she said she can see he is not a Virgin. I was not understanding the concept of virginity at that time. But she said that it is too obvious because he is a gangster. The gangster life has a lot to do with losing your purity and learn a lot of bad things. and also the way he looks there is no way he is a virgin. I wanted to tell her what he told me but I was so scared. i quiet myself down. I was hurt and wanted attention but I left myself alone. Sooner, I started hearing voices in my head. I was imagining of the mental disorder Schrizophrenia. I saw shadows following me. I heard the word nun in English and Spanish. (That buff guy was a Spanish college major) This lasted for a year and some time. I really wanted to speak up but I was so scared. I started asking God questions wondering why he wanted me to be a nun if I am taking courses for my field of study. I want to finish college and get my degree. I don’t want to be a nun because I want to learn about the world. Even though I said this, I started researching about convents and reading history about the religious life and other religions. I asked questions all the time as well. One time the voice came into mind very creepy voice. A voice that made me have nightmares. Still, I stayed alone and I went to the park. While walking around the near park where I lived near by, I sat in the park and did some relaxation techniques. While doing these exercises, I asked to my self to show me who is the person telling me to be a nun.
I had a dream of that buff guy. Now, before this, this buff guy showed up in my dreams all the time. I was terrified and scared of him. I was tired of imagining him all the time. One unexpected day, I saw him in the college library and he was hiding from me. When I asked myself that question, I started seeing he was the suspect of this voice for me to be a nun. I could not control it. I didn’t know how to speak up because people won’t believe me.
One time I was scrolling through Facebook, and saw a page for religious calling. I signed up for a personality test and I got the Dominicans group. I did it out of mere curiosity because I could not control this voice. Now, I get emails about attending religious retreats. These emails get annoying, but every time I get these emails it is like a reminder how this buff guy hurt me and I found out I had clairaudience. I don’t like that person at all.
I met an older woman in fitness course while i was a teacher’s assistant for that course. I told my older friend about this because she asked me questions about dating and having a boyfriend because I looked so shy to her. She asked me how come I don’t talk a lot. I told her about the recent story because some reason I confided in her. this buff guy was not my boyfriend and he had nothing to do with me. She said the reason he called me a nun and was so desperate about it was because he wanted to have sex with me. Now, because of this experience, I learned I had the clairaudience but I wasn’t sure what it was. I am traumatized abou this. I am not ashamed of my catholic faith. In fact, I feel so happy about being a Catholic because I believe religion is important in a person’s life. I also like tradition. We learn about morals and I like having a dogmatic perspective about the world. I like to understand people and I am not usually demanding but I am more of a charismatic person who enjoys talking about good and wise things. I am very sensitive and can get into my feelings a lot.
One thing is that I do get traumatized about romantic relationships. I don’t feel I desire one due to what has happened to me. I feel I need therapy but I don’t know what to say. Not many people understand why I cry a lot either. (I am a highly sensitive person) Whenever I ever get a romance life, I prefer someone who is gentle, down to earth guy. But I also don’t understand what that means. I never had a boyfriend but when I was 22 years old, I was going to have a boyfriend and I told him about chastity and purity. I am just curious and thought he was going to be curious like me. He seemed like a good guy at that moment. That guy didn’t had a girlfriend before. We were similar like two raindrops. That is why I liked him. In my perspective, I wanted us to read the book love and responsibility by John Paul ii. The book discusses the types of love. But sooner or later, I felt he thought I was judging him because I mentioned about this topic. I don’t know what he thought because I never told nobody about this either. He didn’t asked me more questions but I got bullied by him as well. Now, this guy who was going to be my boyfriend insists he does not trust me.
