#clamities

[ohthecalamity]

I stumbled across the concept of muppet big three yesterday, and after laughing so hard I almost straight-up died (thanks bronchitis) i did a lot of very deep and serious introspection. (also I watched quiiite a few episodes of the muppets, but that is neither here nor there).

What is a big three? Essentially, by my shallow understanding, they are three aspects of your selfhood that when taken together make you who you are. The three are Sun, Moon, and Rising. They're usually used to say 'taurus sun', etc, but can easily be cast as muppets instead. And I believe, through these three fabulous ping-pong eyed creatures, I have distilled myself into my purest possible [skeksis voice] eessssennncce

In astrology, your Sun sign describes your core identity, ego, motivations, and fundamental personality traits.

This one is obvious. it's the pink bossman from Girl From Ipanema. big, goofy, undulating in the background, just kinda doing its own thing, completely fails to notice someone's into them because it's too busy looking at the sea instead. I have never identified so fully with anything.

Your Moon describes your emotional side, your inner world, and your intuition...It’s the side of yourself that you don’t show to just anyone.

Now moon is much harder, mostly because I know fuck-all about astrology so am doing all of this based on vibes. I am however going to pretend I know what I'm talking about and confidently assert: Dr Teeth!He's colourful, jovial, friendly and free. He throws his whole body into music. He has a tight-knit community his world revolves around. Also leaves like him so much they'll bury him alive and I relate to that hard

Your Rising sign determines the first impressions you make, the way others see you, and your attitude.

Bill the Bubble Guy. A little bit anxious, perpetually confused, trying to help people out despite this, and can blow bubbles out of his head. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. also I'm like, exceptionally good at blowing bubbles for whatever reason (a truly ludicrous amount of practice)

I'm bored as all hell and want to see people talk about muppets. hello friends! what's your muppet big three?

@shrub-a-dub @ollyoxygenfree @recoveredviolinist @jaxofspades6

[ohthecalamity]

[ohthecalamity]

found a video meant to be totally epic called "DUELLING CANNIBAL SEA SNAILS" and it's clearly just two molluscs on a beach having some good ol' slow-paced snail sex

[ohthecalamity]

happy american pride month to these two specifically

[ohthecalamity]

"would you still love me if I was a worm?" Yes! But I would love you in a very different way. And not because it's you, but because I just love worms. [I realise you wanted reassurance and not a real answer] Hey, I didn't mean that. well I did but seriously babe, I'd love you no matter who you are :) Are you still the same person once you're a worm? I'm not quite clear on that point. Aagh! I'd absolutely love you as a worm.

[I close my eyes and sink into a series of long, pleasant daydreams about dating a worm] [i hold you in my giant hands. i feed you compost-rich soil. we writhe around together in the dirt. You sit, content, in the basket of my shining green bicycle. Wind streams across your sensory cells. God, the sunset is beautiful today. I kneel, knees to the dirt. When I pop the question you do the happiest little wriggle, so I slide a diamond-studded ring onto the tube that's now your body--]

AAGH! [I snap back in a panic] No! I mean yes! But I do like you more as not a worm. I wouldn't like you more as a worm. Fingers are a lot better for rings. I'd never want to restrict your movement. [I nod resolutely] Yes, it's much better that you're not a worm. [I reach out to hug you but miss and fall over and hit my head and get knocked unconscious]

My funeral is short but sweet. Just friends, family, you. Not enough people to carry on the casseroles for more than a week, or to help you back onto your feet. You decide to join me. But some part of you isn't quite ready to go. A small, boneless tube wriggles from the shadow of your tear-stained body. You inch out of the bath, the house, the door. You are a worm, oh yes, and you found me so effortlessly.

I love you. I don't know what's left of me when I die. I love you. I don't know if you're you when you're a worm. But something in the nutrient-rich soil I fertilised still knows you.

And o! I love you. I love you as a worm

[ohthecalamity]

kissing isn't all its cracked up to be. people must exaggerate. they're playing it up, or being overly poetic. No, it feels gross! I might be missing something, but I really don't get why-[makes out with a girl in the bathroom of a club]

Oh...... holy shit

[ohthecalamity]

Doing bad for normal reasons is so passé. just for once can my problem be land sharks

[ohthecalamity]

professor: anyone got plans for the mid semester break? how bout you clam?

me [forgetting how to be normal]: I'm going to disappear without a word and stumble out of the forest two weeks later covered in blood

professor:

professor: hey james you got any plans?

james: nope