Nov 3, 2019
being a classical music fan must suck cause if you hear a new banger you cant just google the lyrics to figure out what its called
seen from Sweden
seen from Mexico
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from China
seen from Portugal
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Sweden
seen from Brazil
seen from Malaysia
seen from Russia
seen from China
seen from Sweden
seen from Italy
seen from China
seen from Sweden
seen from Italy
seen from Malaysia
being a classical music fan must suck cause if you hear a new banger you cant just google the lyrics to figure out what its called
played in the symphony tonight for a youth competition that i won back in 2011. playing background accompanist role for a squad of lil talented upstarts like i was back then. i'm happy for their achievement but feeling personally like a failure, or at least incredibly mediocre and a disappointment (to myself and others). wondering if one's career peak occurred in high school, with a third-rate B level orchestra, is an awful feeling if you are a high achievement addict. very prickly and gross in the mind.
i'm so unbelievably two-faced about ambition and hierarchical status-related achievement. i wish i could just pick one opinion about my career and hold to it consistently, instead of claiming cynicism and dignity and then nonetheless dissolving into a hypocritical puddle of envy and self-hatred when something competitive like this comes along. i realise this all sounds proud and resentful and snotty and greedy; i guess maybe i am those things at the moment. it'll pass.
wondering whether any of these fresh batches of winners will, years down the line, experience anything like what i'm experiencing. feeling sad and worried for their sakes.
also wondering what i'd be doing now/instead if a particular asshat of a person hadn't fucked their way into my brain and broken my heart between then and now and sabotaged whatever artistic steadiness and confidence and focus i had going for me. fuck fuckboys.
now my mom, who just watched the show, is calling, so that we can rehash our glory days. the last possible thing i want to do right now.
fuck everything just fuck it. i'm going to go eat egg rolls and watch a movie because feelings. if i have to be in madison another year i will not be playing this concert again. too close to the fucking home.
i'm only partway through decade number one of probably at least six decades during which i spend night after night after night feeling physically ill about money and student loans.
all this $$$£££ toward an oddball pretentious career in which i will likely only ever make around poverty level income since I'm rapidly ceasing to be competitive. more and more i seriously wonder if any of what I've done with my life is worth it.
Girl at work said she was listening to the 4 Seasons and I was like, “The band, or Verdi?” She and 2 other coworkers just gave me blank stares.
I need someone to be the Clara Schumann to my Robert Schumann.
i nominate Moderat for “good artist with the most annoying name” because every time i search for them in foobar i get a bajillion tracks with “moderato” in the title
TFW When you get Bolero stuck in your head /again/