I (27M) have been living with my partner, Ben, (33M) and his brother (31M) for 2 years now. We also have two adult cats. I am trying to keep this post on the straight and narrow with details so if more detail is needed I am happy to discuss in the comments. We all have our chores: I do the main bathroom, laundry room and monthly deep cleans of different areas. Ben does the kitchen, cat litter and vacuums. Ben's brother does the trash/recycling, half bath and vacuum staircase to the front door. These chores are barely holding up and at this point I feel the need to deep clean almost every few days is not feasible.
Ben has ADHD and it is difficult for him to clean up. I am trying to be patient but 2 years of patience is really trying me now. He leaves items out including trash, laundry, shoes, coats, dishes, etc. It's a lot of visual "noise" when you come home from a stressful day at work and see everything just laying around. This also includes our bedroom on his side of the room. He tends to put dishes in the sink but sometimes he will load the dishwasher. On rare occasions, he will get a burst of energy and use it to clean. He does get anxious, stressed or depressed very easily/often so that can completely change if his cleaning gets done that week.
Ben's brother also has ADHD but is disgusting. He sprays spit in the toilets, sinks, shower (when he's not using it so you'll step on it later) and trash can and doesn't wash it away with water if in the sink. The dishes will pile up from him throwing stuff in but never loading the dishwasher (no he does not clean the plate off). He comes home covered in black rubber from his job and manages to get it everywhere from the front door to the main shared bathroom. Its also on the washing machines because its stuck to his clothes. He does not do his chores on a regular weekly basis so our trash piles up and the recycling spills onto the floor everywhere for up to two weeks. On three occassions, he lied to his friends that he cleans up the dishes and bathroom and that he can't take the recycling out because the old bin we used to have is now gone (he would never take it out and we got an ant problem from it that I took care of and then I immediately threw the old bin out). His bathroom has fecal stains that are weeks old and the sink has dried spit in it. I could point out which fecal specks are new each week. There are many more things he does that are disgusting, but hopefully everything above is enough to get the idea across.
The chore list has not really helped and I don't think thats the problem at this point. I think its just they are dirty people and cleaning up will always be a chore everyday. Ben has defended his brother about how dirty he is because he has social difficulties. I disagree and think he is just lazy. He has been spoken to about the cleaning which is why the chore list was made in the first place. Ever since we had a big fight about the cleaning, Ben puts up an aggressive front that I can't talk about cleaning anymore because we already had the big fight over it once.
I don't think its fair Ben has to clean up after his brother's messes which might be the reason he doesn't want to clean, but won't admit it when I say it. I just want the respect that both Ben and his brother know that its not just them that live here and I won't parent adults who are older than me to be on top of their chores they agreed to. It's not fun cleaning or thinking about cleaning so much. How do I navigate living here with my partner when there is so much adversity and pushback to cleaning?
Don't live there. You are only in control of your own behavior, and it doesn't matter how reasonable or fair your ask is. They don't respect you the way you want. You can either put up with it or leave/evict them.
When I lived in a space like this, I just carved my own place out for myself in my room, where I kept all of my things and stayed holed up in, while I planned to move out.
