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Tales from Up North Vol. 1 Issue 3

A quick note from Ellie: I’m sorry that I was so quiet last week. I wish I could say it’s because I was holed up in my writer’s cave and barely poking my head out for food and water. However, that wasn’t the case. I initially planned on taking Monday off, but that rolled into several more days until the next thing I knew, an entire week had passed. The good news is the break was good for me and what I needed. The bad news was that I dropped off the face of the planet for a few days. I can’t say it won’t happen again, however I can say I’ll give you a head’s up next time it happens. And now back to our regularly scheduled newsletter.

Well, it's been an interesting week in Iron Creek.

This week's issue is brought to you by your friends in Iron Creek: Beans & Buns, stop in for the cupcakes, but stick around for the coffee; Mac's, just off Main Street, there is no happy hour, but it doesn't mean you can't be happy during the hours you're there; and finally Franklin's Five & Dime, where you can still find items for a nickel or a dime, but they are probably older than you.

We had a first for Iron Creek. And, if I’m being completely honest, a first for the state and probably the country as well. Judge Wymann has been waging a war against raccoons for years, even going as far as purchasing a garbage can that is supposedly raccoon proof. I won’t tell you how much he spent on it, but when a neighbor looked for it thinking maybe she’d purchase one for herself, she took one look at the price tag and said she could pay her 10 year old a few dollars a week for more than two years to clean up the trash and it still wouldn’t cost as much as that trash can.

So, Judge Wymann has been calling into the police station almost daily during the spring and summer and fall when the raccoons are out and about and every three or four days during this winter. They’re smarter than the rest of us and stay warm in their dens when the temperatures get too cold or there isn’t much food available because of snow. Since this has been a winter without much snow, they’ve been more active than normal. The judge is convinced what is probably a group of raccoons is actually a single raccoon who has decided to target him. Specifically his garbage cans.

Chief Ellis has just about given up on convincing the judge that the raccoons, or raccoon according to Judge Wymann, is not targeting him, but instead all the garbage cans pulled out of the garages and lined up along the street the night before garbage pickup. And although we’ve all come to look forward to turning into the police scanner app that lets us hear Judy’s patient questioning and the physical description of the thief that goes out for all to hear now, the current police chief has come to dread the calls.

Judy, who is a wonderful woman if you can get over her slightly homicidal tendencies, was the one to come up with a solution. Which leads to why it’s been such an interesting week here. This past Monday was a holiday and the county courthouse was closed, or at least closed to any genuine court cases. However, Judge Wymann wasn’t, well, should we say aware that the courthouse was closed. So, the current judge, at Judy’s bequest, opened his courtroom to what would become the trial of the week, or at least the day.

The DA the county shares with two other counties, came in on her day off. The police officers who had been answering Judge Wymann’s calls, came in as well, but not on their day off, they had to work regardless if it was a holiday for everyone else. Even Scott Brandonson got in on it and acted as a defense attorney. Yes, we all knew he wasn’t a trial attorney and hadn’t taken the bar in the state, but his client wasn’t complaining so neither were we. And to add to the circus, some of the town’s residents volunteered for the jury. In fact, we had more volunteers show up than we needed and actually went through a voir dire.

The client arrived in a small pet carrier, on loan from the rehab center. Copper was found at a few weeks old with two broken legs and the wildlife rehab center did their best to get him healthy and back out into nature, but Copper wasn’t having any of it and now acted as an ambassador, convincing every one of us to donate to the center. Copper didn’t seem to mind being put through a kangaroo court, or more appropriately a raccoon court, especially since Scott shared the muffin he brought for breakfast with the masked bandit who was probably distantly related to the masked bandit plaguing Judge Wymann.

I wish I could say that everything went exactly as planned, from the testimony to jury deliberations and verdict, and sentencing. Unfortunately, I can’t. The original idea was to convict Copper, make a big deal about sentencing, and send him back to the rehab center. The third part, sending Copper back, went according to plan, but the first and second certainly didn’t.

We forgot to consider one thing. Scott Brandonson is one of the most competitive residents of Iron Creek. He used to be the most competitive, but that position is now held by two sisters. Even though Scott claimed he didn’t have any trial experience, he managed to convince a jury of twelve to unanimously agree that Copper, or the raccoon Copper was representing, wasn’t guilty.