#cleriposting

[cleridwen]

not mine this was from reddit

[cleridwen]

im tired of not knowing who to trust. just like probably every transfem on social media, im constantly aware of the fact that it would take a spiteful person very little time and effort to paint me as the most horrible person to all my friends.

im a freak. im gross. to some that makes me hotter, to most it makes me Problematic. someone you might at most tolerate.

“I was having a nice new years until you commented on my post” “Being friends with you has been ruining my mental health. I've been better since I thought I'd cut you off but now I'm fucking crying and I don't know what to do”

they might delude themselves into thinking it's not something that should be considered or ever brought up, so that they can keep being friends with the cute little kitty cat who tries its hardest to be positive and light-hearted about everything

until they realize it's not going away, at which point they blame me for being so inconsiderate and ditch me, convincing themselves it was my fault the whole time for making them so uncomfortable

i feel like i can never truly know if someone is interacting with me because they genuinely like me and want to support me, or because they hope the ugly sore thumb that's obviously been there on my forehead for years will somehow fall off one day.

“I don't want to live a fucking double life. I didn't want to lose you but I don't want to lose 99% of my friend groups by being friends with you”

if you want to be friends with me but you are scared of being seen with me then fuck off

if that's how you act, how can anyone ever trust you? how can anyone know you won't denounce your muslim or trans or black friends to the government out of fear the police asks why you haven't told them you have illegal neighbours? who's to say you won't one day turn on your kinky transfem friend and participate screenshots of your DMs to the pedophilia allegations google docs, to make sure you're really letting everyone know you're not on her side, when someone suggest that she might have been seen walking on the same sidewalk as a minor 7 years ago?

if you're not ready to defend your friends, your families, strangers, or even your enemies in the face of injustice, then i hope you life is as cold and empty as our bodies will be once you let them get to us. the leopards won't spare your face if you play by their rules like the absolute tool you are.

you have to realize this. you have to realize what you are doing. because once you do, you can have each other's back. this world is coming for us, and you need to listen to your friends when your intuition tells you to listen to the hate you've been taught to entertain all your life.

“If at some point you become deradicalised and stop thinking this is okay then we can be friends again. Or at the very least get therapy”

this is about the kinky blogs run by transfems you sometime like. this is about your gay friend. this is about your disabled neighbour. this is about paraphiles. this is about isuggestforecem and all the blogs you have led crusades against. stand up for your friends. stand up for the freaks in your life. ask your mutuals' discord or signal.

and if they confide their secrets with you, or they let you know that they fear they might not be safe, tell them. tell them that no matter how many self-righteous cunts and brainwashed soldiers will crusade to murder them, to rid their sight of what they consider impure, to purge the lands of what they find disgusting; tell them you will be by their side. tell them you will defend them. tell them that you are their friend, not in spite of what they are, but because you accept and support them.

[cleridwen]

I never thought I'd say this, but after years and 4500 hours, I'm done with PlanetSide 2

This used to be my game, my home, my safe haven. my mid day distraction, my late night habit. PS2 means so much to me. But just about a year ago, I met someone who showed me sights I had never seen before. We played so many games. co-op shooters. MMOs. survival games. more years than I ever played in the many years past. doing it with another creature, helped me get over the feeling of emptiness I always felt with singleplayer games.

And now, whenever I launch PlanetSide, all I feel is, why? why bash my head for hours against poor netcode, outfits ruining fights with big numbers in seconds, sundy killers, a2g, and slow netcode, just on the chance that I may eventually stumble on a good fight or two?

Basically, why let my fun be determined by other players? it's so easy to to feel bad when I get mowed down a lot, just as it is to feel good when i get a lot of good kills. those good moments happen, and the dopamine hit is unlike any other, but at my skill level, it's practically gambling. I go online, chasing the rare dopamine hit, just to mostly be presented with disappointment. And all I think about now, is why. why am I here, when I could get guaranteed, unconditional fun, by simply starting another game

It's hard to believe this is happening. There's still so much to like in PlanetSide 2. I have so many good memories. I still feel the rush of getting kills from the years of experience properly controlling and timing my shots. All the time spent adjusting my sensitivity, hardware, peripherals, to make me into a better player. And all those years in game. So many important times in my life, I spent there, in PlanetSide.

But PS2 isn't "here" anymore. It's "there". I feel scared. I want the grounding, familiarity, and stability of a game I'm so intimately familiar with, to call my home, a refuge to turn to. But I've walked greener pastures, and my hometown doesn't feel like somewhere I want to be anymore.

How do you move on from this? am I griefing a video game, a different time? with time, I'm sure I'll feel better. but there's nothing scarier than to walk an uncharted path.

but, I'll do it. im not alone. not anymore. PlanetSide brought me so much. I'm thankful for all those years.

<3

[cleridwen]

Clericar RGB :3

I've always had a fixation on car lighting, n ever since I've had a car myself, I always thought of silly ways to add a little cosmetic or utility lighting here and there. I particularly wanted to try LED "neon" underglow, for a touch of customizable, indirect color, that can be completely invisible when turned off.

with my new car (someone cut me off at a red light in january :c) I've started getting more into doing my own maintenance and tweaking, n with a visit to my mom's place, with room to work and access to power tools, I figured it was the time :3 I got one of those inexpensive bluetooth kits on AliExpress, comprised of 2 chains of a 90cm strip, 180cm, and another 90cm, to be installed like this:

the dimensions seemed most appropriate for Clericar II

Friday

I started with the end of the chain, at the back. I don't trust the strip's pre-applied double-sided tape to hold them in place for any amount of time, even the official product page recommended to use zip ties.

There wasn't any obvious good spot to attach the strips in back, the two options were either the bottom of the rear bumper, or the chassis behind it, full of bumps, hot exhaust pipes, tow hitch, and other obstacles. The bumper seemed best, I drilled holes in the hollow plastic for zip ties, cleaned the surface, and installed the strips there

I had a bit of an oopsie with that first strip, bent it a bit too hard and broke some solder joints :< I thought it was best to leave it on and work on the rest, and worry about replacing it later, since i didnt bring my soldering iron. but! my mom has a Not Soldering Iron™ for engraving wood, so i went for a quick trip to the hardware store for solder n I managed to fix it :3 at the cost of weatherproofing

I routed the cables over and around the rear wheels to reach the sides of the car, and took a mental note to be careful about tight bends later.

I wasn't a big fan of the result so far, because just standing behind the car, the strips themselves were visible, and I would have preferred them to be entirely hidden. but in exchange, the light was covering a large area under and behind the car!

Saturday

Safely securing strips to the side of the car seemed like an impossible job: the sheet metal from the side panels folds towards the centre and is directly soldered to structural metal, leaving seemingly no room for zip ties:

My only bet were three holes with rubber plugs along the edge, but those would be too close to the edge, making the light strips visible (like in back), and interfering with jack points. I bashed my head at this problem, seeing that no one online seemed to have that issue (their car had more traditional side panel skirts, even among other low sporty cars).

Eventually, I found a blog post of someone building their own LED strips (before cheap ones on AliExpress were a thing) and attaching them with hot glue. Short of any other options, I figured that would work, and went out and bought a cheap glue gun.

I would still much prefer solid physical connection over glue,, but it was also a lot stronger than expected, so maybe this will do. The downside of having the strips farther from the edges is that the light on the ground doesn't spread nearly as much, but it was either that, or the strips getting squished next time I or a mechanic need to lift the car up.

I also used hot glue to fix the weatherproofing on that rear strip i re-soldered, and extra electrical tape just in case!

Sunday

The front bumper is almost ideal: a plastic surface, with a short lip to hide everything. drilling holes for zip ties wasn't easy, with the weird geometry down there, I should have probably removed the bumper entirely for easy access, but im strubborn so I managed

wiring was a bit annoying: I want the LEDs to be connected to accessory power, to turn on when I unlock the car, stay on when the car is on, and for a few minutes after turning off the engine, but no fuse inside the engine bay reflects this state. I can't easily pass a wire from the cabin to the engine bay either, at least not without removing a windshield wiper arm, which takes some tools I don't have (and am a bit scared to use ><)

most guides and even the product page recommend wiring it directly to the battery, and turning it on and off via bluetooth, which sounds like a terrible idea! imagine not noticing it's on in daylight and draining the battery, and also, even off, the control box is still emitting a BLE signal, that doesnt sound great! maybe I'll use one of those automatic DRL controllers, that detects when the engine is on with the voltage increase caused by the generator, and stays on for a minute after the engine is turned off, I got one at home

I ended up just hotwiring it to a headlight fuse, as safely as i could, n hopefully one day I can pass wires from the cabin to do what I want! im still not too happy with the wiring, there's some dodgy things i did cause i couldn't easily make holes in the wheel guards, and some lengths of cable that are a bit too long and risk sagging down under the car. the latter is easy to fix but the former idk!

the front light spread is rly nice, similar to the back but the light strips are well hidden! photos don't do it justice but I like the overall result a lot :D

I already know some people have comments about RGB lights on a car, but I do not care :3 I knew going into this that even in the car community, this is a controversial mod, I knew I was doing it for myself, and I like it! you can keep your negative comments for yourself ^ㅅ^

I wanna take more photos with street lights for better context, but thats it for now, thanks for following my silly adventures :D be extra safe when you jack your car, put fuses on any electrical system you install, keep your lights from flickering or flashing to not distract other drivers, and enjoy the road :) <3

[cleridwen]

intensely emotional six hours long VC about relationships life trauma and suicide with transfem friends while high on opioid painkillers will save you

[cleridwen]

I saw a California and Nevada gimik blogs sexting

Can I have some bleach

I need to

Cleanse

ouch :<

...I fw that tho

[cleridwen]

hehehehehehehehehehohohohohoho my car is gonna hate me :3

[cleridwen]

thread of some misc pics from 4am job and just outside stuff