@thatsdyingbabey / @clevergrl : “So I’m dating a ‘bad guy’... huh.” / clara
vanya may wish to keep these two halves of her whole separated : there is the white violin , who seeks vengeance & harms & kills & does all things ordinary little vanya would never be suspected of. then there is vanya — small vanya who wears sweaters that cover her fingertips , who reads books in the corner of her little apartment ( rented under a fake name , but nobody needs to know that ) , who keeps to herself & smiles with such kindness.
the lines are blurred , nowadays. when this had begun — when a decision was made : they see me as a monster , they will always see me as a monster , and so i will be their beast in their nightmares ! — she had separated the parts of her into neat categories , murderess placed beside the everyday. she is not truly so villainous , when it comes down to it. she steals , yes , but gives the money to womens’ shelters. she kills , yes , but it is well - deserved — her family paints her as a comic book foe , something to be vanquished , but she cares so little about what they think of her nowadays. are they not the very same family who’d locked her away , caged & alone? the same who would have killed her , she’s now sure , without a thought? vanya hargreeves / the white violin : they are not so different , in the end. darkness she became.
with clara , the old habit of separating herself into palatable pieces has returned — clara is kind , smiles so sweetly & looks at vanya with stars in her eyes , and who is vanya to darken that? the white violin has blood on her hands , but her pale godlike eyes are distinct enough from vanya’s dull brown irises & she has never been recognized as a front - page news headline when out getting coffee with clara. it’s a secret —
— until it isn’t. until clara comes into vanya’s apartment before she has time to put the white suit away , to breathe deeply and will color back to her cheeks , to clean the bow of her unearthly violin & make a return to normalcy. she has never lied about who she is , really , but she more than understands the weight of it — vanya believes herself just , but she has seen what people say about her. her own family giving interviews decrying her deeds , all while avoiding her name — the white violin , they say , and she doesn’t know if they think they’re protecting her in some way or if they are simply unwilling to reconcile who she was with who she is & who she may have been all along. the fear surrounding her very name — as if it is cursed. she feels that weight now. she looks down at her suit , still glowing faintly with power , & she cannot fathom that clara has not yet run screaming from the room.
‘ i guess so. ’ she is an in - between state : not the smooth & always - cool violin , neither quiet and anxious vanya , but a mid - point , the fall before dreaming. this can go either way. she could defend herself , her actions , but who is she to explain away what she has done? she knows it. ( the newspapers never speak of those she saves with her deeds : those she has protected by killing the ones who would hurt them. ) vanya keeps her distance , remains in her corner of the room.
‘ i know this is — uh — probably a surprise. i … i don’t hurt anyone who hasn’t earned it , you know. but i understand if this … changes things. your opinion of me. it’s okay if it does. ’ ( it wouldn’t come as a shock to vanya. everyone else has decided who they think she is — clara was good , sweet , different , but she hadn’t known. if this is it for them , vanya will not try to change her mind. )
