For HAZEL (and hazel only)
Dear Hazel,
I realize I’m probably the last person you want to hear from. There have been so many instances where I’ve shown you the ugliest parts of my personality despite you never really deserving it.
I remember being so over the moon when I first learned we were sisters. Not only just sisters, though. TWINS. Ramona and Hazel Mason born November 4, 1996. How crazy was it that fate somehow managed to bring us back together after being separated at birth??
I feel like, when we were in the womb, all the personality traits were just split right down the middle. You got ALL of the kindness. The patience. The just overall sunny disposition. I’m sorry that I got that selfish trait. That ‘I’m the only important person in the entire world trait’.
I think I can pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that wasn’t true, though. It was in December. You and Marlon had sat me down in our living room and announced to me that you were pregnant. My first reaction was one of annoyance. I immediately thought of myself. I thought that the idea of sharing an apartment with a couple and their newborn was... less than ideal. But then you asked me to be Sebastian’s godmother and I was ecstatic. It was later that night when I was awake in bed when it occurred to me how insanely stupid my initial reaction the news was. You were having a BABY and I still managed to make it about me. Despite that being the moment when I realized that I’m a piece of shit, I still didn’t make the change in my behaviors that was necessary to fix it.
Flash forward to now and I guess the wish of December me came true because the apartment feels emptier than ever. I no longer have my twin living the other side of the wall, I no longer have a godson to spoil (I DO still have a nephew to spoil though and I fully intend on doing so btw). The number of times I’ve done you dirty is absolutely disgusting. It’s ridiculous because you’re the person I should be closest to, yet for some reason, I have never put you first.
It’d be much easier for me just gloss over the hard parts of this, but I fully intend on laying everything out right here and right now, so I have to mention Marlon. What I did to you (and Fabian) is without a doubt, the worst thing I’ve ever done and I’m aware that no number of apologies will ever make that ok. Still, I am sorry for hurting you. I put my own wants and idiotic desires above the feelings of the people I love and who love me. I’m sorry.
The other night, when somehow EVERYTHING went wrong, I handled the situation in the worst possible way. I can’t believe I actually texted YOU to blame YOU when the whole thing was entirely and unquestionably my fault. I escalated things with the tweets. If I’d have just minded my own business, nothing would’ve gone as badly. Fabian wouldn’t have felt like he had something to prove when he went and did what he did to Marlon. Marlon wouldn’t have felt like he had to do what he did to Fabian.
I feel like deep down, I knew all of this when I texted you. In my head, I somehow rationalized that you have more control over Marlon than I do l, and because of that, you could have stopped him. Of course calling the cops on the man you love and the father of your child wouldn’t have been easy decision. I wouldn’t have done it either.
I think at this point, the most that we can do is be thankful that Fabian and Marlon are okay. The man I love didn’t lose his life (to a bullet) and the man you love didn’t lose his (to prison). Those are the two positives from this whole thing.
I truly am working on bettering myself. Bettering myself for you, Sebastian, Savannah, Fabian and every other person I have been undeservedly blessed with in this life. I really do hope you forgive me, but also know that I don’t expect you to.
Despite everything, I truly do love you Hazel. I hope that one day we can soon be back to the closeness that we only ever had during those months we spent together in the womb.
Love,
Ramona “9-Toed” Mason
((ps. i’m done being petty and you’re no longer blocked))
