#cloudy nights

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Stormy Skies ~ Cloud Photography ~

[mesa-az-clouds-blog]

Hmu if you're a sexy mama that likes to ride the clouds.

Looking for a sexy lady that likes to party and play. Mesa AZ here. Can get the good stuff.

[rainovember]

『220404』 1:58 AM

People treat the 6H as one of routines and daily activities, as well as work. As someone with 6H placements here (with all of them being touched by pluto) , I know that I constantly need to communicate with people I love. But I also noticed that I loathe small routine talks like "hello, how are you? I'll see you later, I love you". I don't care if you say it every day and night—if that's all our talks will ever be, then please just don't talk to me at all. What even is there to communicate? Why bother talking to me? Just to check if I'm alive??

Tonight, I realized that the 6H isn't about the routine in itself, but rather the value and essence behind the routine. Which is why it's trine the 2H (values), sextile the 8H (depth and intimacy), and opposite house of the 12H (unseen and charity). People take for granted routines and think "oh that's all it ever will be". Chores of couples are important because you doing it with and for them shows not just the main goal of getting things done, but because you want to show love by being considerate of their needs and how to lighten the burden. Loved ones communicate daily not just out of obligation, but also because they want to know more about how your life is going, when you can spend time, etc. People have jobs not always because they love what they do, but because they have their own reasons for getting that money, like fulfilling their true dreams (trine 10H) or gathering experience for now (joy of mars) and learning from mistakes (square 3H and 9H).

The point is, 6H isn't simply the house of service and routine itself, but the essence beyond those routines and why people do those. Considering it's a cadent house, it would also have influence of the mental realm. People mostly see the surface or physical attributes of routines, but not the reasons or intentions beyond them.

[rainovember]

『220122』 3:41 AM

(I find it mildly amusing that I copied the date format for my title here from my last post, and I only had to change one number on the date and one for the time.)

For the past month, every single day, I'm starting to be at the low point of my life again, especially academically. I admit that it's partially my fault for lacking efforts around November, and now I have to pay the price for it. I don't think I was lazy entirely though—it just sucks that in order to "succeed" in this life's systems, I have to constantly glorify overworking, when my "laziness" from November was me simply balancing workload and resting, as they are equally important.

I think back to the semester before this one, after my Leave of Absence; I was a diligent student, aced all my classes, even though I had to study 6-7 more hours beyond my class hours, and I did have a few breakdowns in between. I was a good student, but now I'm trying to be good to myself, but apparently that makes me a bad student.

It feels surreal to "fail" this semester, not because of the mediocrity of my work, but because I keep submitting late because I took care of myself mentally and physically.

What a shit world to live in.

Sometimes, I ponder to myself if I should blame being highly invested in my current relationship. I hate that I have to constantly choose between being happy and being successful—whatever that means. But it occurred to me that my lover, as clingy as we are towards each other, is a soft reminder that I need to rest and love myself. Without him ""distracting"" me, my grades might have been flying colors while I was dull and stuck in darkness. Isn't it weird that our "success" has to be colorful while us ourselves are decaying?

Anyway, I'm thankful to have him by my side (I don't want to cry right now but ugh), and now I wonder if he loves me more than I love myself sometimes. I still can't get over how he said, "what's there not to love about you?", and I listed down my traits or habits that can be annoying, and he finds ways around them to show that things are okay, and he'll be there for me.

I hope, someday, I could constantly be there for myself too, and I would love myself as much as he loves me.

[rainovember]

『211115』 7:33 PM

I think about it every other day how I often overthink if my efforts are being wasted because I'm not a romantic interest to him (that maybe I'm just a sexual endeavor, because he's confessed to most of his past crushes, but I've never really officially been one).

I flash back to 2017, when I asked him if this was love or lust—which type of desire was it? And he couldn't give me an answer.

I think about how, maybe, just maybe, it's not that he likes me a lot—he just eventually will after getting to know me more. Settling.

But I also think about how it could be the same for me. Do I really have feelings for him, or did I just find someone because I felt lonely? Is it just an attachment issue for me? For both of us? Am I just settling?

Maybe it's okay that I'm not in love right now, or at least not conclude anything. Maybe this pandemic has just been draining me of my sense of reality, how to actually act around people and get to know them—get to know myself.

Maybe it's okay that I don't understand where I stand right now, because maybe I haven't truly understood our true dynamic together—actually together. What's it like to be complimented beyond the screen and filters? To be held with warmth and care? What's it like to hold his hand for several reasons, whether it's dragging him on an adventure, reassuring ourselves, or simply to have an intimate touch? Will my heart race more if I see him from afar and he flashes me with his dazzling smile? (Cheesy I know but his smile just has a spark of joy to it) What about when he wears all the clothes I said would look good on him; will my chest feel a flutter while my mind is going haywire? What kind of gifts will we give each other? Will we still like each other amidst our flaws and grow together?

Who knows.

I just know I wanna live in the now, and that I look forward to finally meeting up with him again—whenever that will be.

[rainovember]

『211107』 2:43 AM/12:22 PM

There are so many questions in my mind. But for once, I'm thinking about what we've been through so far, and I'm imagining that I'm actually asking him these questions.

Bet he'd think I'm silly (preposterous even) for having such thoughts. Anxiety is a bitch.

Sure, we overused some expressions, seemingly sweet nothings. But [I believe] in a serious level, we truly miss each other. Regardless of the label, it's just two human beings missing the company of the other. I don't think anyone is lying when we say we miss each other.

He did say that he's technically open to being serious. It's just difficult right now to start a serious one if we're not physically together. That's understandable.

My discomfort stems from me being overly sweet, making emotional investments when there is no certainty of things. But then again, if we didn't make emotional investments, then we really wouldn't be moving anywhere at all. I'm also afraid that, even if we're matching the levels of sweetness, is it stemming from the same intention? Or is it just me who's more serious about this, while he's mostly there for the flirting?

I am not afraid of sweetness. In fact, deep inside I am a very mushy ball of love. I'm just afraid of showing it. For some reason, I'm treating my love as a finite source. That if I give a lot to others, then I won't have enough for myself. Maybe sometimes it's applicable, sometimes it isn't. What if I loved myself the more I loved others? What then?

What exactly is stopping me from showing my vulnerable and loving side then? Ego? Fear? Pride? Inaction (waiting for the other to show it first)? Trauma? Perhaps it's all of the above. Maybe, I simply had too much on my plate the past years, and now it's the ghosts of my past and the shadow of myself holding me back right now from enjoying the simple and purest joys of life—just living and experiencing it.

Sagittarius is known as the most adventurous sign of the zodiac. There is also a stereotype that we are afraid of commitment out of boredom. It actually isn't from boredom—it's a fear of intimacy, because it's a fear of rejection. Sagittarius loves being loved, less of a star like Leo, but more of an influencer. Ironically, as much as Sagittarius loves to experience everything, there's always an amplification to those experiences. Sagittarius isn't afraid of commitment—I'd even say it's a secret yearning they have. Love that is amplified, so deep that you choose your favorite person in this galaxy? Is that not Jovian in nature? Rather, I'd say we were afraid of showing vulnerability and then getting rejected. So we ignore our need for that familiarity, that place or person we call home.

◇◇◇

Perhaps I'm just not used to waiting. Always jumping from one thing to the next. Like a new adventure and always seeking the next destination and not immersing enough in the journey.

Perhaps I also need reassurance. It's something I often need from loved ones, because, once again, anxiety and depression are a bitch, and self-doubt plagues my mind and heart. I often need reassurance that I'm not being used, that I'm actually appreciated for who I am, not for how useful I am in someone's life.

◇◇◇

I'm also thinking of his past situations, where most (if not all of them) just took him for granted, left him in the dust, or cursed him to high heavens. I can't possibly just think only for myself, my comfort and discomfort—he has feelings too. I just don't know what they are.

All I know is that I don't want him to think I'm ghosting him the same way everyone else did. Because that's something I also absolutely loathe happening to me.

◇◇◇

Maybe it's just Venus entering Capricorn, and entering my 7H. Maybe it's just placing heavier emphasis on my goals for this relationship. And I need to bring back his words from earlier:

"Let's see where this goes."

Capricorn is all about planning things and being two or three steps ahead. But when it comes to love, there's a pro and con to it. First, Capricorn emphasizes the gravity of a relationship, that it is an investment of resources, time, efforts, and not simply something where raw feelings will suffice. The con is, one cannot always plan how emotions work or when they come and go. It's something Capricorn can try to control, but it won't always work. Especially not love in its purest, abstract form.

And I'm looking at this now to realize that I can't always plan everything, or label everything. Somethings, things just are. And perhaps, that's what he means with "we'll see where this goes."

[theartofsupafly]

When the last time y'all legit squeeze someone??

[larlatin65-blog]