I feel like throwing up. I think I overworked myself.
I initially intended to write here a lot of positive things too. Ever since we confessed to each other, I've been pretty happy daily, with occasional lows from other reasons.
But he genuinely makes me happy.
I feel terrible coming here only when I'm troubled. But perhaps I do it because I live in the moment of happiness, while troubled times have me alone with my thoughts and emotions, and reflecting upon them. Reflecting is great, doing it a lot has helped me grow so much to become who I am now. I'm proud of myself for that.
Although, so much reflection has me spiraling sometimes as well—more often than I'd like to admit. And I suppose that's the reason why I'm here... it's exactly why I'm here.
This past week has just been rough for me amidst completing my final requirements, juggling my relationships with friends, family, and my lover because it's the holidays, and people expect you to have a looser schedule during the holidays. I've nobody to blame but myself for overindulging this semester, and now I'm carrying all this responsibility, with circumstances being more difficult during my final week because of family problems and schedules.
I miss him a lot. He's been busy as well, preparing for family dinners, vacations to various places, shopping and preparing for another vacation next year, and whatnot.
I've been doing my best to still be flexible with my schedule amidst finals. Maybe it's a stupid thing for me to do. Any flexible material can only stretch and bend so much before it breaks. And I know this is my own fault for not asserting my schedule more, for letting my emotional needs come first before my academic needs.
Last night, he told me he'd finish a movie with his sisters, "then I'm all yours."
After two consecutive days of having little to no communication with him (of course I'll let him enjoy with his family), here comes more waiting. So I waited, expecting him back at earliest 11:00 PM, but thinking of emergencies so I expected until 11:30 PM, perhaps even midnight. So I waited, thinking I couldn't work on my art projects because I'd require momentum with that, and a measly hour wasn't sufficient to me.
I waited two hours, fifty minutes.
It wasn't exactly an emergency, just some papers signed and delays.
It's just that this is at least the third time it happened, and it always stems from a lack of communication. I really don't mind waiting, but I need information, reassurance. And it takes one minute or less to do that, when it could save me time and emotional fluctuations.
I cried to myself alone, but I also know love requires patience. And I did my best to focus on that.
The apology I received the next morning... felt detached and formal. Part of it sounded like I was to blame for wanting more communciation, because he "hides the times he wants to enjoy his solitude.". Because he does not let me know when he prefers spending time with others.
Why are you hiding it? I'm not gonna judge nor stop you from doing so. Why?
He said he'll get back to me at midnight, thus making today the third consecutive day of us having little to no communication.
I'm starting to have self-doubt again.
Was it me? Am I the problem? Am I codependent? Am I demanding, controlling, suffocating, overbearing? Is it my fault...?
My ex's words rang through my head, over and over again.
"Be a girlfriend, not like work."
Am I being like that again? Or am I just being tricked again?
Is he tired of me? Is that why he seems unbothered staying away from me for so long?
Moon in Libra 25° square Mercury 23°, Venus 24°, and Pluto 25° in Capricorn