Rainy days @rainovember - Tumblr Blog

『241019』 10:43 AM

TW: Self-harm mention, suicidal ideation

『241010』 5:33 AM

Almost all the planets are struggling right now. Sun in Libra, Moon in Capricorn, Venus in Scorpio, Mars in Cancer, Chiron in Aries, Jupiter in Gemini, and Saturn in Pisces. The energy is just down.

—★★★—

Get these intrusive thoughts away from me.

Why did I wake up at 3:43 AM and "Attention" is already playing on loop in my head? I'd like to think it was because I recently played it on my phone but still, how cruel it is that this is what I mentally hear this early into the dawn.

Do not think about how he'd rather be on his phone instead of holding you. Do not think about how he gives you a strange and lonely glance as well when you go to your phone in return. Why are you waiting for me? I'm only doing this so I'd rather be alone than lonely in your presence.

Do not think about how instead of feeling intimate when you slept naked together, you instead felt the unwelcome yet familiar sensation of being a hookup. Why are you feeling this way? Probably because once again after a passionate night, the man talks about his ex and trauma, and now you can't get it out of your head how there are more songs associated with her than with you. Stop it, Rain, you know his heart is yours. Once again you are an emotional support to men who are trying to heal from women in their lives breaking them.

Do not think. Just stop thinking at all. Stop feeling. You already checked the transits upon waking up. You should've expected to feel this way. Suck it up, as you have time and time again throughout your life. You've survived this long and you'll fucking do it again.

#rainy nights

rainovember

『211106』 1:19 PM

Venus has entered Capricorn. Mercury has entered Scorpio. The moon has entered Sagittarius.

~~~

It's not that I don't want to be happy.

I, for sure, love the daydreaming we do every night (is it still called daydreaming if it happens at night?), and I'd love it even more if it became a reality. That's the catch—it has to manifest into reality.

I would delude myself with manifesting other things, but if it involves other people, I can't delude myself. I need proof. I need effort. I need stability. I need reassurance that I'm simply not wasting my time.

That last thought is what's plaguing my thoughts the past days... have I been wasting my time? Sure, I like it. Where is it headed then? When do the fun times and adventures stop? And if they do, how and why? How can one determine when something stops, if one doesn't even know if it has begun in the first place?

I could simply just reactivate my defense mechanism (which is, ultimately, self-sabotage) and stop my feelings. Stab them—jab, jab, jab. Crush this crush. Cool, I'm used to doing that, and we just stay friends.

But we're already friends. Friends that wanna hold each other tight and kiss under the stars as soon as we meet again when the quarantine is over. Do I just suddenly stop telling him I miss him? Not send flirty gestures, not want hugs and cuddles, not tell him that I want to hold his hand? Do we just suddenly stop doing all that?

Because if we strip all of that, that's suddenly stripping half of our interactions. Which also makes me think, is this something really worth investing in if "romance" plays such a major role? Continuing that thought, is it even playing a role at all? What even is the definition of "romance" here?

Is it selfish to say that I want more to this? I want my dreams to be a reality. I don't want pretty words—that feels so abstract to me.

rainovember

『231104』 3:39 AM

It's been almost exactly 2 years since I wrote this, and my values and goals remain the same. I want less glittery words and promises of a beautiful future, and more of making them a reality. Unfortunately, 2 years have passed and I'm still stuck here facing the same problem of flowery words that remain unstable and fleeting. Lord, please grant me that stability I seek.

#rainy nights

『230404』 02:16 AM

TW: depression, suicidal thoughts

It hurts it hurts it hurts

Existing hurts

My hands are melting

My eyes are as black as the night

I'm encased in walls of black, if walls even exist

I'm standing at my doorway, realizing there is no point in existing, but the floor doesn't even exist

I am bleeding out my tears. Hot. So hot

I want to throw up but my supplement tablets will go to waste and I'll be wasting money

But honestly what's the damn point in trying

I will always be a mediocre person in this world who can only survive by trying hard. Everything is hard. Existence is hard

The only thing that can insanely keep me alive is telling myself that I must only die when I am beautiful

It's very sad that I don't know how to see my own butterfly wings. Even if others tell me that they're there, I will pass away someday never seeing these wings

I feel like a glitch in reality

I don't even know what reality is anymore and I don't know if I ever want to go back to it. It seems so brutal, why would anyone want to stay in that sh*thole

Kind words from my loved ones barely matter anymore. I'm just those little flowers they put on vases to uplift their days for a while only to be discarded later on

How can love from others heal me when I am so blind that I cannot find where they are? How can I pour that love into me when I keep stabbing at myself to let all that love go to waste?

Why do people even love me?

Stop giving me reasons to stay. Stop bargaining with me. The incentive of existence is so low. What's the point.

#stormy nights #the darkest night

『221223』 11:01 AM

TW: depression, suicidal ideation

I'm awake.

I don't want to be awake.

My nephew won't stop crying, so even though my whole body is screaming to go back to sleep, I can't. Hence, my emotions are all rushing back in, like a broken dam.

How can emptiness be so heavy? It feels like a black hole was in liquid form and crashing down on me like a wave of vanta black tar.

My body is physically tired and protesting against being awake, yet my heart is drowning so much that my head keeps turning in bed, my feet keep bouncing. How is depression riddled with anxiety? Over what? I don't know. All I know is I don't want to be awake right now. I don't want to feel.

I don't want to be awake.

I don't want to be alive right now.

I thought my emotions have dwindled down last night but no, my fears have come to life: my depression is back, towering like a ghastly king or queen with the silhouette of a gown and a horned crown, and glowing eyes...

Hello, Darkness, my worst nightmare old friend. It's been two years since we last met.

They're like a boss in a video game, but their very presence is poisonous—how can I have the strength to fight them off? I can already see the ghostly chains they're gonna put me in. There is nowhere to escape.

I know eventually they'll set me free, but I will forever have to roam this dreary castle and live with them, and pray that I don't bump into them for a few years again.

But right now, in front of them, my eyes are welling up, my throat is closing off a scream, and I'm pulling my hair. Coldness is seeping into my veins, starting from my hands and feet. It's so icy.

The standstill in the air right now of the last weekday before the holiday starts isn't helping right now. I feel like I'm having a stroll with this tall withering black tree towering over a small town that's preparing its Christmas decor for this snowy season. Nobody seems to have noticed us yet, but... we're here, on our December date. Because I keep my misery company, due to everyone else abandoning me this season.

I hate Christmas. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Every year, I ask for a blessed one, only to have a truck dump garbage all over my heart. It's when my family fights over money, my relatives, and mistresses. It's when I get ill so often. It's when my past lovers would give me joy on our first Christmas together, then absolutely kick me off a cliff by abandoning me the next Christmas.

Since the only ones who stay with me are myself and my Depression, I need to find ways to properly love both of them. So I can run my hands over their void body, caressing them—so perhaps instead of chaining me, they'd caress me too.

#stormy days

『221223』 12:15 AM

All my boyfriends so far have been hit by my love like a hurricane whirling through their life and rearranging everything; like an ocean wave crashing down on them with heavy emotions. According to them, I came into their lives unexpectedly and whimsically—the love and joy they never thought they'd want.

All my boyfriends expected an easy relationship, until they were proven wrong with my deep devotion and commitment—suddenly it was difficult, our relationships felt more like work instead of leisure, and they could only apologize and watch me pitifully sob over not receiving the devotion and commitment I equally deserve.

All my boyfriends have asked me to release expectations of them because apparently, I place too much pressure on their growth, or how I can be treated better, or wanting them to visit me for dates more often, or wanting to meet their friends and families eventually. Apparently, my love languages of quality time and acts of service were too much. I was isolated from the rest of their social circles because apparently I bring eccentricity to situations, sending their minds to even more of a flurry on how to handle our relationship.

All my boyfriends admit and thank my selflessness, sincerity, devotion, kindness, bravery, and patience... yet it seems like I cannot receive the same back. Is it because I gave too much and so they can't return the same level of favor, like an expensive gift that can't be matched by a generic gift?

All my boyfriends have been dishonest with me to save my emotions, which inevitably only damaged me even more. Apparently, my warnings of "I don't like lying and hiding" is not clear enough—that, or I am simply not respected enough.

All my boyfriends have made me cry constantly, triggered my depression and suicidal tendencies, and had my and their friends scowl at them with disdain with the way they treated me.

All my boyfriends have brought me immense pain, so much more than the human heart deserves—if I were a plant, I would have wilted by now.

Everything seems illusionary, yet at the same time... everything is becoming apparent. Like the clear day in the eye of the storm.

#stormy nights

『220404』 1:58 AM

People treat the 6H as one of routines and daily activities, as well as work. As someone with 6H placements here (with all of them being touched by pluto) , I know that I constantly need to communicate with people I love. But I also noticed that I loathe small routine talks like "hello, how are you? I'll see you later, I love you". I don't care if you say it every day and night—if that's all our talks will ever be, then please just don't talk to me at all. What even is there to communicate? Why bother talking to me? Just to check if I'm alive??

Tonight, I realized that the 6H isn't about the routine in itself, but rather the value and essence behind the routine. Which is why it's trine the 2H (values), sextile the 8H (depth and intimacy), and opposite house of the 12H (unseen and charity). People take for granted routines and think "oh that's all it ever will be". Chores of couples are important because you doing it with and for them shows not just the main goal of getting things done, but because you want to show love by being considerate of their needs and how to lighten the burden. Loved ones communicate daily not just out of obligation, but also because they want to know more about how your life is going, when you can spend time, etc. People have jobs not always because they love what they do, but because they have their own reasons for getting that money, like fulfilling their true dreams (trine 10H) or gathering experience for now (joy of mars) and learning from mistakes (square 3H and 9H).

The point is, 6H isn't simply the house of service and routine itself, but the essence beyond those routines and why people do those. Considering it's a cadent house, it would also have influence of the mental realm. People mostly see the surface or physical attributes of routines, but not the reasons or intentions beyond them.

#cloudy nights #astrology drabble

『220401』 5:43 AM

Rare are the times I'm provided an opportunity to showcase my art. For now, I'm giving my efforts towards my academic artworks.

And yet I still manage to fuck it all up. Missing my deadlines tremendously. Missing the extended deadlines. Missing all the presentation classes.

What's the fucking point of having amazing artworks when I'm so fucking slow and nobody sees how amazing my art is? How can I get recognition from my peers and professors if I can't make it in time?

I don't know what's more horrible—the fact that yesterday I mostly spent time with my sister and I know I can bounce back with academics anytime, or the fact that I got hyperacidity at midnight so it drained me and delayed my work because I was in sheer pain even after 3 medical packets.

Both of those are factors to the situation right now though: that I'm screwing up. I'm so frustrated because I'm actually proud of my works, which is pretty rare. Illustration is my forte yet I'm still fucking up. This SUCKS. I'm self-sabotaging by depriving myself more of opportunities to get my art out—to shine. To be me, to be seen, to be appreciated and celebrated. To be acknowledged.

But I'm so fucking exhausted and I know I'd just waste more time trying to stay awake and complaining than actually putting out quality work.

Fuck this.

『220122』 3:41 AM

(I find it mildly amusing that I copied the date format for my title here from my last post, and I only had to change one number on the date and one for the time.)

For the past month, every single day, I'm starting to be at the low point of my life again, especially academically. I admit that it's partially my fault for lacking efforts around November, and now I have to pay the price for it. I don't think I was lazy entirely though—it just sucks that in order to "succeed" in this life's systems, I have to constantly glorify overworking, when my "laziness" from November was me simply balancing workload and resting, as they are equally important.

I think back to the semester before this one, after my Leave of Absence; I was a diligent student, aced all my classes, even though I had to study 6-7 more hours beyond my class hours, and I did have a few breakdowns in between. I was a good student, but now I'm trying to be good to myself, but apparently that makes me a bad student.

It feels surreal to "fail" this semester, not because of the mediocrity of my work, but because I keep submitting late because I took care of myself mentally and physically.

What a shit world to live in.

Sometimes, I ponder to myself if I should blame being highly invested in my current relationship. I hate that I have to constantly choose between being happy and being successful—whatever that means. But it occurred to me that my lover, as clingy as we are towards each other, is a soft reminder that I need to rest and love myself. Without him ""distracting"" me, my grades might have been flying colors while I was dull and stuck in darkness. Isn't it weird that our "success" has to be colorful while us ourselves are decaying?

Anyway, I'm thankful to have him by my side (I don't want to cry right now but ugh), and now I wonder if he loves me more than I love myself sometimes. I still can't get over how he said, "what's there not to love about you?", and I listed down my traits or habits that can be annoying, and he finds ways around them to show that things are okay, and he'll be there for me.

I hope, someday, I could constantly be there for myself too, and I would love myself as much as he loves me.

#cloudy nights #cloudy but the moon is peaking

『220112』 3:31 AM

We laughed over stupid jokes before bed. He was getting sleepy, and started partially sleep talking—by partial, I mean that he says words while half-awake but he isn't aware of its context. He started saying things like... belt, class, and that "I'll say it for now... you're my prisoner."

"Close your eyes, open your eyes, close again~" I sang to him Eternal Phlegm, which is just a parody song that doesn't make sense, and I love it. I sang as much as I could, and he was preventing himself from laughing out loud, slowly failing.

He started laughing less airily and more throatily. He couldn't stop laughing, and it just made me so happy to hear him laugh more freely. I wish I could engrave the sound of his laughter in my head.

My favorite moments of his are the ones where he gets to express himself, slowly lifting any restrictions he imposed on himself. I adore the times he speaks in a louder voice at home, when he laughs out loud at my jokes, when he plays his guitar with his amplifier (someday I hope to hear it in a higher volume), when he smiles and it reaches his eyes (they twinkle along with his teeth), when he eats in his room (so far he nibbled on a cookie—someday I wanna see him chomp on something), when he experiments on wearing the clothes he wants, when he yawns, when he records videos and photos to send to me right in front of his family, when he dances and sings on cam...

I love when he's unapologetically himself. I hope he keeps shining bright, like a gem*.

#moonlit nights

『211228』 8:30 PM

I feel like throwing up. I think I overworked myself.

☆☆☆

I initially intended to write here a lot of positive things too. Ever since we confessed to each other, I've been pretty happy daily, with occasional lows from other reasons.

But he genuinely makes me happy.

Usually.

I feel terrible coming here only when I'm troubled. But perhaps I do it because I live in the moment of happiness, while troubled times have me alone with my thoughts and emotions, and reflecting upon them. Reflecting is great, doing it a lot has helped me grow so much to become who I am now. I'm proud of myself for that.

Although, so much reflection has me spiraling sometimes as well—more often than I'd like to admit. And I suppose that's the reason why I'm here... it's exactly why I'm here.

This past week has just been rough for me amidst completing my final requirements, juggling my relationships with friends, family, and my lover because it's the holidays, and people expect you to have a looser schedule during the holidays. I've nobody to blame but myself for overindulging this semester, and now I'm carrying all this responsibility, with circumstances being more difficult during my final week because of family problems and schedules.

I miss him a lot. He's been busy as well, preparing for family dinners, vacations to various places, shopping and preparing for another vacation next year, and whatnot.

I've been doing my best to still be flexible with my schedule amidst finals. Maybe it's a stupid thing for me to do. Any flexible material can only stretch and bend so much before it breaks. And I know this is my own fault for not asserting my schedule more, for letting my emotional needs come first before my academic needs.

Last night, he told me he'd finish a movie with his sisters, "then I'm all yours."

After two consecutive days of having little to no communication with him (of course I'll let him enjoy with his family), here comes more waiting. So I waited, expecting him back at earliest 11:00 PM, but thinking of emergencies so I expected until 11:30 PM, perhaps even midnight. So I waited, thinking I couldn't work on my art projects because I'd require momentum with that, and a measly hour wasn't sufficient to me.

Thus came 1:10 AM.

I waited two hours, fifty minutes.

It wasn't exactly an emergency, just some papers signed and delays.

It's just that this is at least the third time it happened, and it always stems from a lack of communication. I really don't mind waiting, but I need information, reassurance. And it takes one minute or less to do that, when it could save me time and emotional fluctuations.

I cried to myself alone, but I also know love requires patience. And I did my best to focus on that.

The apology I received the next morning... felt detached and formal. Part of it sounded like I was to blame for wanting more communciation, because he "hides the times he wants to enjoy his solitude.". Because he does not let me know when he prefers spending time with others.

Why are you hiding it? I'm not gonna judge nor stop you from doing so. Why?

He said he'll get back to me at midnight, thus making today the third consecutive day of us having little to no communication.

I'm starting to have self-doubt again.

Was it me? Am I the problem? Am I codependent? Am I demanding, controlling, suffocating, overbearing? Is it my fault...?

My ex's words rang through my head, over and over again.

"Be a girlfriend, not like work."

Am I being like that again? Or am I just being tricked again?

Is he tired of me? Is that why he seems unbothered staying away from me for so long?

Is it over?

Or is it overthinking?

F*ck. I don't know.

☆☆☆

Moon in Libra 25° square Mercury 23°, Venus 24°, and Pluto 25° in Capricorn

#stormy nights #Pavane pour une infante défunte #Ballade No. 1 in G Minor

『211203』 4:20 AM

One main reason I still stay in this situationship is because my guides (especially my phone guide) never gave me cards that signified endings—unlike my last crush whom I also talked to daily, but I was kept given a 10 of Swords rx—inevitable endings and eventual acceptance, my guide says. That's how I found out that sometimes divination sometimes screws up your life because you end up one step ahead of everyone, and you never get to relish making mistakes and learning from them. You don't get to experience life.

Lately though, I've been getting The Lovers and the Knight of Cups in my readings of him from time to time.

—☆☆☆—

"Love how you always pull me close to your chest after sex," I chuckled. "Consistently," I added.

"Do I?" He mused. "Wanna make you feel my heartbeat after sex (and for you) hihi," he giggled.

"Heartbeat for me? Aww." That was cute. I hope I can feel that a hundred more times.

—☆☆☆—

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"Do you miss just my body?"

"Nooo. The body is just a bonus."

I was taken aback. Back then his answers were slightly different...

"Do you want me or my body?"

"Well the body automatically comes with you hehe."

I didn't ask further about this, I just went 'aww'. However I did pry on something else later on.

"You're mine," he told me.

I contemplated if it's okay to ask this. It was 3 or 4 AM anyway, and sleepiness works like tipsiness minus the alcohol.

"When you say 'you're mine'... is that laced with feelings?"

He didn't hear me properly at first, which means I have to reiterate it. It was a little embarrassing because the element of surprise is gone aaaah.

"Hmm... you go first."

"What? But I'm the one who's asking here, why should I go first?!" I whined.

"Well... yeah there's some feelings in it."

And like a shitty fanfic or romcom movie, I felt my chest flutter inside. Just a bit. Thank goodness it was just a call, otherwise I'd have to keep cool if we were in front of each other, or I'd have to hide my heartbeat. (I know it seems paranoid but it's because my ex would judge my reactions based off my breathing and pulse like the psycho bitch that he was)

"Okay," I squeaked. He seemed really sleepy and forgot to ask me back. I let it happen. I wasn't sure I was ready to answer either. Not that I didn't know the answer, I just feel a lil sheepish and shy about it hehe.

We spoke other fluffy nonsense before bed, and right before the call ended, I whispered, "I love you."

He whispered right back. "I love you too."

"And that, does that have feelings too?" I kept whispering. Apparently long sentences are difficult to understand especially when you're drowsy as fuck, so he raised the volume to hear me more. I had to clear my throat and speak up louder—I felt bad that he has to be the one adjusting to me when I'm the one whispering in such a low volume.

"I said, and that, does that have feelings too?"

"It has feelings."

Again, a fuzzy little flutter in my chest. "Oki... oki, oki," came my squeaky replies again.

I went to sleep with a light heart.

#starry night #sunny day

virgoasf

curlsandstems

I need this.

poni1kenobi-deactivated20250915

Reblogged last year, hoping it comes this year

notanastrologer

For those who need the Cheers this year end 🎄

pistoletrose

🤍🎄 yas

1111jenx

all good vibes this holiday szn❤️‍🔥

『211122』 11:59 PM

5 of Cups for today? Damn that's sad. Then again what's new

Is it the sun conjunct the South Node today? Is that it? I'm freaking sad right now.

Today, in a minute, I'll turn 23. I call it "Level 23".

How is it my birthday but I don't really feel like I'm important? I don't feel seen. I don't feel like I want to "level up" anymore.

I'm crashing academically, I'm in a situationship with no stability, I'm barely catching up with my friends (both IRL and online), with one important friendship falling apart.

How can I talk about so many friendship groups when I feel like I belong to none of them?

The truth is, I'm just a background friend, a little interesting, like a bunch of sprinkles that don't really taste like anything but they look nice to add.

Today is just gonna be another day, the world still spins, and I'm not sure if my existence will ever make a difference.

Happy fucking birthday to me.

#rainy nights #Cotton Vibe & smile for me- Wake Up #Honestly just play the whole Pisces playlist I have on spotify #I didn't realize it would hurt this much

『211115』 7:33 PM

I think about it every other day how I often overthink if my efforts are being wasted because I'm not a romantic interest to him (that maybe I'm just a sexual endeavor, because he's confessed to most of his past crushes, but I've never really officially been one).

I flash back to 2017, when I asked him if this was love or lust—which type of desire was it? And he couldn't give me an answer.

I think about how, maybe, just maybe, it's not that he likes me a lot—he just eventually will after getting to know me more. Settling.

But I also think about how it could be the same for me. Do I really have feelings for him, or did I just find someone because I felt lonely? Is it just an attachment issue for me? For both of us? Am I just settling?

Maybe it's okay that I'm not in love right now, or at least not conclude anything. Maybe this pandemic has just been draining me of my sense of reality, how to actually act around people and get to know them—get to know myself.

Maybe it's okay that I don't understand where I stand right now, because maybe I haven't truly understood our true dynamic together—actually together. What's it like to be complimented beyond the screen and filters? To be held with warmth and care? What's it like to hold his hand for several reasons, whether it's dragging him on an adventure, reassuring ourselves, or simply to have an intimate touch? Will my heart race more if I see him from afar and he flashes me with his dazzling smile? (Cheesy I know but his smile just has a spark of joy to it) What about when he wears all the clothes I said would look good on him; will my chest feel a flutter while my mind is going haywire? What kind of gifts will we give each other? Will we still like each other amidst our flaws and grow together?

Who knows.

I just know I wanna live in the now, and that I look forward to finally meeting up with him again—whenever that will be.

#cloudy nights #wrote this at a gemini rising hour on the last degrees lmao no wonder I wrote so much

『211109』 12:20 PM

"I wish I pursued you instead of her."

Okay, but do you mean romantically or sexually? If I recall correctly, you were pursuing her romantically, and our dynamic started off sexually.

You're telling me I'm your choice now, but I'm still not sure what kind of choice am I.

You say I'm yours, and you say you miss me. But is it me that you miss or is it my body?

#rainy days

beetlegarden

we are not born to die!! what are you talking about!! do you think a book begins just to finish? do you think a song opens with a beautiful chord just for it to end? you don’t read the book to finish it, you read the book to eat up the excitement and the emotions it evokes!! to learn and to digest and to fall in love and be heartbroken!! you listen to the song to dance and dance and sing your throat raw!!! to cry and smile and swell with the harmonies!! yes, we are born with the inevitable fate of death, we are mortal after all, but that is merely the finale of the play!! the final act, the closing of the curtains - we are not born to take a bow and exit stage left!! we are born to love and be joyous and yell and move and learn and cry and feelfeelfeel!!! we are not born to die, silly, we’re born to live!!!

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Rainy days