#clover's journal

[heyimlostuwu]

Sneak peek on another thing I've decided to create and work on for Clover~

[heyimlostuwu]

In the darkest of shadows, I see you linger.

Watching with a sadness I could not describe.

With those eyes I had once found to shine like jade.

The warmth of your stare replaced with a sadness I could not understand.

How is it to watch me create my own demise?

As I take slow steps towards a grave unworthy of my body.

To watch as I spiral further away from the woman you once loved.

Is that why you stare at me so?

Your lingering shadow gazes at me.

Scrutinizing my every selfish move.

I know you would have never wished for me to take on such a path.

To selfishly obtain a meaningless revenge.

But I can not stop the fire that has already begun to burn away my soul.

The raging fire that licks at my ribcage threatening to spill over and consume me whole.

I will ignore the sadness in your eyes.

Pretend you are not standing there watching me.

For you are nothing more but a figment of my imagination.

Concocted by my own torment and torture.

In death perhaps I'll see you again.

But I believe it is for the best that I allow myself to be dragged down to the deepest pits of hell.

To allow the fires to incinerate what little is left of my mortal soul

For I have become a sinner beyond redemption.

For even god would turn me away from his heavenly gates for the atrocities I have commited in the name of righteousness.

My hands have been bathed in the blood of the innocent.

Those who did not deserve to be striked down by my unjust wrath.

Forgive me my Elias for all you will see now is the shadow of the woman you wasted your precious life to protect.

Forgive me Elias for I will become nothing more but a rotting corpse miles and miles away from your grave.

I pray God grants me my one and only prayer.

To refuse me the blessing of seeing your face evermore.

To allow me the slow torment of forgetting your face.

For I do not deserve to remember that soft addicting smile you blessed me with all those years ago.

I pray he allows me to wallow in my own misery as I descend into the madness of forgetting your very being.

For in the end I am but a sinner of my own making.

I do not deserve redemption or the grace of God's loving hands.

Allow me this torment to remember the monster I have become.

[heyimlostuwu]

My therapist back in the states said I should try journaling to vent my stress in a non violent way... This is fucking stupid but I guess it works...