February 2nd, 2020. 1:58 AM.
i don’t know if this will end up being a full letter, but i just wanted to thank you for today. i have a hard time accepting compliments and/or accepting help whenever they’re offered to me, because i have this fear of being a bother that i cant quite seem to entirely shake after having a few people tell me things in the past, but i‘m getting a lot better at both of those things - thanks to you - and i just wanted to make sure that my sometimes awkward responses to compliments and/or support weren’t misconceived as a lack of appreciation on my part today. because hearing you say everything you did today, and hearing you offer me all of the help on anything that i need in whatever way i need, means so much to me that i lack the proper words to explain it and i want you to know that without a doubt and without hesitation. i cant even begin to describe the sense of calm and ease that i feel knowing that i get to love someone who is so genuinely understanding and patient with me. i’d heard people refer to their significant others as life partners before and it always sounded a little clinical and silly to me but .. i sort of think i get it now. because you really are just .. my partner in life; in every aspect of it, good or bad, you are the one that i want to share it with and the one that balances me out in every way throughout every step of it. i would be so truly lost without you and i hope you know that when i tell you i’m going to open up to you even more in the future it’s not because i feel a sense of pressure or obligation to do so, but because i know that opening up to you will only give you the opportunity to make those aspects of my life that much brighter as well. every part of me, and my life, that you touch is left so much brighter than before you were there and i want you to have a chance to be a part of all of it, to brighten all of it and allow me to see it all the way that you do - even the parts that i would personally deem particularly mundane or unimportant; i know that you would find them important, regardless. and i just wanted to thank you for giving me that sense of security, for being everything that you are and for loving me better than i ever imagined or dreamed possible.
i also wanted to mention that i hope i never pressure you to open up to me in return. i can get a little eager, when you talk about telling me something new or opening up to me in ways you haven’t previously, but it’s only because i am so genuinely giddy at the prospect of knowing all of you that i just .. momentarily forget that maybe my enthusiasm can come off a little pushy sometimes. i never mean it that way; i wanted to make sure you know that. and, although i would obviously be thrilled to have you tell me and open up to me about everything, i want to make sure you remember this; you are perfect to me as you are. your tendency to draw back whenever you are hurt is not a flaw, it is only a detail of you, and i love you whether or not you choose to ever want to change that detail of yourself. you don’t owe me anything, you don’t ever need to change you or any single detail of you to earn me or my love, and i only ever want to be a safe space for you - not another obligation or pressure on your shoulders.
with all of that said, however, the fact that you’ve told me you want to try to open up to me means .. a lot to me. so much. and i’m so, so, so proud of you for even wanting to try to do that when i know how hard and how scary it is for you. i’m so grateful that you trust me enough to try and i promise that, should you ever decide that you want to and that you’re ready, i will be here to listen and i will love you just as much ( if not more ) than i did when you began.
this all came out a little more serious than i originally planned it, and i’m still not sure if i found the right words that i’m trying to say, but i hope you can understand what i’m trying to thank you for and remind you of regardless of that. you’re so wonderful, in so many countless ways, and i’m just so thankful for you everyday and i just wanted to make sure that you knew that - and that you knew how much everything you said to me and offered to me today meant. i adore you, i love you, and you really are quieting that little voice that has a mean streak in my mind more and more everyday. thank you. again. ( even though i know you’re probably going to scold me for saying thank you so many times later. deal with it, baby; i’m thankful as fuck for you and you deserve to hear it clskdkfg )