#yourstruly.

[after12thoughts]

Surprised.

To see you walking in the aisle.

Surprised.

To see you looking at my eye.

Surprised.

That you sit by my side.

Surprised.

Why my heart feels so high.

Surprised.

Why my eyes dancing in the light

Surprised.

Why goodbye?

After a blink of an eye.

A taste of goodbye.

Slap me in the eye.

Surprised.

Why it has to be why?

3/22/22 _agashi

[tclkingtothemoon]

Open When …

it’s valentines day, and you’ve just received all of these

our jobs seem like a little too much

you’re feeling sad

you feel as if loving you is a difficult thing to do

you can’t fall asleep

you doubt my feelings for you

you’re feeling happy

we’re apart the night before the wedding

you feel unattractive

you want to get away from it all for a while

you’re feeling lost

you’re jealous

we’ve had an argument / you’re upset with me

you’re feeling sick

you’re having a bad day

you need to laugh

[tclkingtothemoon]

February 4th, 2020. 2:52 AM.

you just fell asleep on my arm, after we finished watching videos together for the night, and i didn’t get the chance to thank you for tonight before you did so i figured i’d do it here instead. so, thank you - for spending the evening with me, and watching phantom of the opera because you know i love it, and showing me rent because you love it and you knew i would too. i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again: i love sharing things with you; even the tiniest, most casual of things. and i just love experiencing things with you, no matter how simple.

everything is different with you. even watching phantom of the opera tonight, a musical which i’ve seen more times than i’m happy admitting to you, felt so different (in the best way) at your side. watching you get excited at the drama of parts that i had previously memorized, or giggle while i attempted to sing along to songs that i have sang on my own for years; it was all just so much ... more with you. you add so much to any experience that i have and i just can’t get enough of sharing everything with you because of it. i want you as a part of everything i have ever and will ever do and i’ve always known that but i’m reminded of it each night i get the luxury of sharing yet another thing with you.

you’re just so wonderful. so absolutely breathtaking in your magnificence that exists not only by your physical appearance but by the very essence of who you are. and god, i adore you. i love you so, so much. and i’m so, so lucky to get every day and every night that i have ever and will ever have with you - but i’m especially lucky to get nights like tonight; where it’s just you and i, and the little moments that we decide to share with one another; when we take experiences that either have once been or could have been our own and make them ours instead.

i didn’t mean to make this so long and rambly. in short, what i’m trying to say is that i had a wonderful time tonight. and i’m so grateful that you are not only open to but enjoy the things that i like to show you, and that you are not only willing but eager to show me things in return. and i love crafting a life with you, piecing the two of us together day by day and detail by detail as we continue to build a future together; i love the domesticity of the things you and i now have the luxury of sharing. and ... i’m rambling again clskdkgg. i just .. thank you. you make so happy. i know that i say that all of the time, and you may be sick of hearing me say it over and over again, but you make me so happy. you define happiness for me; i no longer know or would like to know the meaning of the word without you.

my love. my life. my home. i love you with everything i am. thank you for tonight. i really loved every second of it, and i’m going to love ending the wonderful evening by rolling over and cuddling you while i fall asleep in a second too. goodnight, baby.

[tclkingtothemoon]

February 2nd, 2020. 1:58 AM.

i don’t know if this will end up being a full letter, but i just wanted to thank you for today. i have a hard time accepting compliments and/or accepting help whenever they’re offered to me, because i have this fear of being a bother that i cant quite seem to entirely shake after having a few people tell me things in the past, but i‘m getting a lot better at both of those things - thanks to you - and i just wanted to make sure that my sometimes awkward responses to compliments and/or support weren’t misconceived as a lack of appreciation on my part today. because hearing you say everything you did today, and hearing you offer me all of the help on anything that i need in whatever way i need, means so much to me that i lack the proper words to explain it and i want you to know that without a doubt and without hesitation. i cant even begin to describe the sense of calm and ease that i feel knowing that i get to love someone who is so genuinely understanding and patient with me. i’d heard people refer to their significant others as life partners before and it always sounded a little clinical and silly to me but .. i sort of think i get it now. because you really are just .. my partner in life; in every aspect of it, good or bad, you are the one that i want to share it with and the one that balances me out in every way throughout every step of it. i would be so truly lost without you and i hope you know that when i tell you i’m going to open up to you even more in the future it’s not because i feel a sense of pressure or obligation to do so, but because i know that opening up to you will only give you the opportunity to make those aspects of my life that much brighter as well. every part of me, and my life, that you touch is left so much brighter than before you were there and i want you to have a chance to be a part of all of it, to brighten all of it and allow me to see it all the way that you do - even the parts that i would personally deem particularly mundane or unimportant; i know that you would find them important, regardless. and i just wanted to thank you for giving me that sense of security, for being everything that you are and for loving me better than i ever imagined or dreamed possible.

i also wanted to mention that i hope i never pressure you to open up to me in return. i can get a little eager, when you talk about telling me something new or opening up to me in ways you haven’t previously, but it’s only because i am so genuinely giddy at the prospect of knowing all of you that i just .. momentarily forget that maybe my enthusiasm can come off a little pushy sometimes. i never mean it that way; i wanted to make sure you know that. and, although i would obviously be thrilled to have you tell me and open up to me about everything, i want to make sure you remember this; you are perfect to me as you are. your tendency to draw back whenever you are hurt is not a flaw, it is only a detail of you, and i love you whether or not you choose to ever want to change that detail of yourself. you don’t owe me anything, you don’t ever need to change you or any single detail of you to earn me or my love, and i only ever want to be a safe space for you - not another obligation or pressure on your shoulders.

with all of that said, however, the fact that you’ve told me you want to try to open up to me means .. a lot to me. so much. and i’m so, so, so proud of you for even wanting to try to do that when i know how hard and how scary it is for you. i’m so grateful that you trust me enough to try and i promise that, should you ever decide that you want to and that you’re ready, i will be here to listen and i will love you just as much ( if not more ) than i did when you began.

this all came out a little more serious than i originally planned it, and i’m still not sure if i found the right words that i’m trying to say, but i hope you can understand what i’m trying to thank you for and remind you of regardless of that. you’re so wonderful, in so many countless ways, and i’m just so thankful for you everyday and i just wanted to make sure that you knew that - and that you knew how much everything you said to me and offered to me today meant. i adore you, i love you, and you really are quieting that little voice that has a mean streak in my mind more and more everyday. thank you. again. ( even though i know you’re probably going to scold me for saying thank you so many times later. deal with it, baby; i’m thankful as fuck for you and you deserve to hear it clskdkfg )

[tclkingtothemoon]

January 14th, 2020. 12:02 AM.

i keep thinking about how you told me i call out to you in my sleep sometimes, and how namjoon has to come in and ( try to ) wake me up because of it being loud enough to bother him sometimes. i was so embarrassed when you told me ( i still am, a little bit ) because i felt like it was such a weird thing for me to do and i was worried that you’d think so too but .. i’ve been thinking about it a lot more today ( because i can’t stop thinking about it ) and i really shouldn’t have been surprised, should i?

i mean - i’ve already talked about the fact that my body adores you before, that my hands tingle with the absence of your own when you’re away or my legs make space for you to lay down between them even before you audibly ask to do so, but i don’t think i’ve told you how much my subconscious loves you as well. even when i’m not consciously thinking of you ( which i almost always am ), my mind is constantly running with thoughts of you subconsciously - as if my brain simply refuses to part with the mere thought of you for any length of time. loving you is just such an instinctive part of who i am that i don’t ever need to tell myself to do it, or think about whether or not i’ve done it correctly; every part of who i am, both the physical and conscious parts of myself and the intangible subconscious parts of myself, is so desperately and breathtakingly in love with you that it is something that just ... is. as you would tell someone i have brown eyes when you describe me, you should also tell them that i am in love with you; it is a feature of me, an indisputable fact.

and even when i’m asleep, when my mind is already getting lost in dreams of you and i, i call out to you; a subconscious effort to somehow get more of you even when i am already surrounded in nothing but you. and i think that’s .. wonderful, if i’m honest, because people fall in love all of the time but it is so rare to find someone that everything that you are adores so much that you love them even when your body is trying to get some rest away from the rest of the world; as if they are the greatest source of renewal that your entire body knows anyway, as if they’re the safest space your body could imagine, a home more relaxing and healing than the act of sleep, as if they have put sleep itself to shame.

and i think it’s sweet that you look after me whenever me doing that bothers someone and they try to wake me up to put an end to it, as well. i think it’s sweet that, even when it’s something as trivial as someone wanting to scold me for making such a ruckus in my sleep, you always are ready to protect me. and even though it’s something mildly playful in this instance, it makes me feel so safe to know that i always have you there taking care of me; even if i’m unconscious, or in some state where i don’t even realize i need something, i know without the shadow of a doubt that you’re there and you’ll take care of me if i needed it. it’s a very comforting feeling, and one that i’m very grateful for.

i just wanted to thank you for always taking care of me, and remind you that loving you is literally a part of who i am and i still get so soft when my body or my mind does something that reminds the both of us of that. i don’t think i’m ever going to stop calling out to you in my sleep, because i’m never going to stop wanting you, so i hope you don’t mind too much. i love you so much, baby.

[tclkingtothemoon]

good morning, baby. i hope that you slept well, and that your mind let you remember your dream like i asked it to do ( especially if your dreams were filled with me, and only if they were sweet ). if it did, i’d love to hear about it when i wake up as well. i know that you know this by now but a quick reminder: i love listening to you talk; i could hear you talk about anything under the sky and i’d still find myself entirely charmed. it’s the sound of your voice, and the way that your features change as you tell me whatever it is you’ve decided to share with me in that moment. you’re so expressive; the way that a story makes you feel is written across each and every feature of you as you talk. and god, i love that about you; i love studying each expression - each shift in each feature - and committing what it meant to you to memory. because i love knowing you, and i love knowing every part of you as well as i know the back of my hand.

i saw a google commercial, with this old man who was telling google to remember certain things about his wife: ‘remember she always used to say this specific phrase’, ‘remember her favorite movie was this’, ‘remember where we had our first date’, ‘remember that she loves the smell of these flowers’, ‘remember that she always laughed this way’. i saw that and i remember thinking that i wanted to do that with you. not necessarily with googles product placement ( thank you very much ), but that i just ... wanted to know all of you in that way; details that no one else knows or even thinks to ask about, details that maybe you don’t even realize you’re giving me, details that maybe you wouldn’t deem important but that make up the very fabric of who you are ( and, therefore, are incredibly important to me ). and even after being my best friend, and the love of my life, for as many years as you have, you still give me new details to learn about you every day. you still show me new things about you with each passing day and i still wake up with the same enthusiasm and eagerness to learn them all as i did the very first day we met. because despite all of the years that have passed between us, every time i look at you or you confide in me or you kiss me it feels like the first time all over again.

anyway, it’s ironic that you asked me to write you a letter tonight, because i was actually thinking that i’d write you one tonight even before you asked. after we finished the taylor documentary, i had a lot of feelings that i just sort of felt like i needed to get out somewhere before my chest just completely collapsed on me. and you do that to me a lot, you know; give me this swell of happiness in my chest so big and grand that it seemingly makes time come to a halt around me as me and my heart are left trying to make sense of the wonderful boy in front of us and how on earth he would’ve decided to love us out of everyone.

and you know when taylor was talking about joe, and lover in general, and she said something about being happy just because they were happy together? when she’d previously had so much of her happiness relying on everyone else’s happiness and what they thought of her? that sentiment made me think about you, and about what you and i have, a lot. because i’ve told you before that i used to give what people thought of me more weight than it deserved, and that my happiness was always something hypothetical and in the distance, but you’ve shown me and given me something so beautiful that i couldn’t care less about what people think of me anymore - not as long as i have you, and as long as you and i are happy with this life that we’re creating together. nothing else outside of this, and us, holds any weight to me anymore; not in the way that it did. everything is in perspective now, thanks to you; and the perspective is that the rest of the world could be falling apart around me and i wouldn’t even bat an eye as long as you were there beside me. i can never find the right words for this but you’re the love of my life, you’re my best friend, you’re my future, you’re my home, and you’re my happiness; you’re absolutely everything to me. and watching taylor redefine her world, and herself, based on the love that joe had been able to show her existed felt a lot like what you have done and continue to do for me. it’s not that the world becomes irrelevant, it’s just that you change the entire meaning of it; the rest of the world still matters, but you’re engrained into every detail of it now and that’s why i love it. i don’t know if that makes sense, it probably doesn’t, but i only mean that i think taylor and i both found love in the world itself and in ourselves because we look around at things that used to seem daunting or terrifying in some way and we suddenly only see the ones we love or the things that our loved ones love in it instead. it’s the rare, once in a lifetime, sort of love that so few find and ... i’m just so lucky that you’re mine.

but, before we started watching the documentary, we also spent so much time reminiscing earlier tonight and .. i know that we already talked a lot about all of that while we were getting lost in memories but i’m still thinking about it now because it’s just so overwhelming ( in the best way possible ) when you lay so much of it out like we did. i mean - just a little less than three months ago, you were kissing me for the first time and i was wondering how i was going to pretend that i could kiss you in the future without wanting a life with you if that was what you ended up deciding that you wanted. and four, or five, months ago, i wouldn’t have ever allowed myself to believe that you would ever kiss me at all; i was completely convinced that loving you was an activity that i would have to do from far away. but now here we are, almost three months since you asked me to be your boyfriend, and you’re my fiancé; we’re talking about finding a house together and starting a ( even bigger ) family with each other. we have so many of the things that i used to lay in bed and yearn for and dream about and cry over and it feels so surreal that it genuinely kind of makes me tear up just writing this. because you’re here, and you’re mine, and i love our memories ( every single one of them ) but it’s the knowledge that we have only just begun making them that really makes my heart leap. these memories that mean so much to me that i’m blinking back tears as i think about them are only a fraction of the memories that i’m lucky enough to get to share with you in this lifetime. we have done so much and yet we have only just begun and ... i can’t wait. i cant wait for the lifetime of memories that you and i have ahead of us. i cant wait for the life that we are going to live together, and the wonderful things that we are going to do. you’re the only person that i have ever, will ever, or would ever want to spend and share this life with and i’m so unending thankful that you’ve agreed to let me.

this letter was all over the place, and i’m so sorry. once i start writing these letters for you, i tend to ramble and get a little distracted along the way. I hope that it still made you smile, and i promise that you’ll have a lot more letters coming a lot more consistently soon, baby.

also, because i feel i haven’t said it enough ( and i never will ), just a reminder: i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i love you so much. so so so so so much. so much more than i feel i can ever effectively articulate. i love you with everything that i am.

[tclkingtothemoon]

january 27th, 2020. 4:40 AM.

hi, baby. i know i’m behind on all of your letters, i promise that i haven’t forgotten about them and that i have all of them backed up to post once i finish them, but i just have some things that i wanted to write down tonight instead of waiting to post them in the right order with the others. i also don’t have too much of a plan with this, and this entire letter may end up being a little bit of a mess because of that; i hope that that’s all alright.

i just want to talk about how proud i am of you. i know that i already say it every now and then, and that i’ve also told you more times than i could count in all of our years together, but i feel as if i somehow still never say it enough. so, in case you’ve ever forgotten or doubted; i’m genuinely so breathtakingly proud of you. watching you do anything, whether it be something simple, practicing seemingly endlessly for something that i’m positive you’ve already masted days before ( because you master almost anything immediately ) or singing in the shower just loud enough that i can hear you from the comfort of our bed, or something grand, performing to millions of people with the ease that only most legendary musicians carry, or walking the red carpet in a foreign country at a foreign award show as if you feel right at home; i’m so proud of you that i literally feel like my chest is tight with the effort not to cry sometimes just watching you. and i know that sounds silly, maybe even a little ( a lot ) weird, but .. i’ve grown up with you, in a lot of ways, and i’ve been lucky enough to watch you go from a nervous teenager, too shy to even open up to or sing in front of me and the boys, to a young man working as a world wide phenomenon taking over the world one city at a time with the grace and kindness that is unmatched by anyone who has tried it beforehand - all at my side - and i’m just so overwhelemed with pride for not only the performer and the artist that you are, but for the person that you’ve become as well.

i wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the grammys tonight, when they first began. i thought that the entire event was sort of .. forced, if that makes sense?? there were so many negative stories around the concept of it, that i’d allowed myself to get a little bummed about the entire event as a whole. but, as you always do, you still managed to make the entire evening a dream somehow; you held my hand, and you held me, and you made me laugh, and you pointed out my favorites when i started to get uninterested in the show, and you whispered compliments to me when my confidence wavered, and you sang to me when i needed a distraction, and .. you made a night that i had expected to feel forced and uninteresting, feel warm and like home instead. and, somewhere along the way ( with your help ), i allowed myself to forget the previous grudges that i’d held for the event and allowed myself to, instead, remember how many people dreamed of getting to do what we did tonight. the grammys are a dream, for so many performers, and tonight you and i and our boys were lucky enough to not only attend but to perform and, regardless of all other details, i’m so .. grateful for that, grateful to be here. with you. and when that thought came to me, when i felt overwhelmed with the weight of the realization i’d made, i looked to my side and there you were; steady, and confident, and comforting ( and so, so gorgeous). and i ... was, yet again, so proud of you. because here i was, as someone older and someone who is supposed to guide you, needing a big grand realization to hold myself with the same poise and view the night with the same magic that you had been doing from the very beginning of it. and your ability to do that, your ability to somehow seemingly spawn magic directly into the fabric of any night, is as important and as impressive as your talent of having the single best vocals i’ve heard across the world and the best stage performance of anyone i’ve ever known.

you doubt yourself a lot ( a fact that, still, both baffles me and breaks my heart ) but i hope, one day, you’ll believe me and what i’m telling you. even if it takes a long time .. when it’s you and i and we’re gathered around the dining table with our kids ( maybe even our grandkids ) and they’re asking us to tell them more stories about the days that we were rockstars, i hope that you’ll see it in the awe that they look at you with as you recount the things that you’ve done and the things that i know you have yet to do; i hope that you’ll see what i, and the rest of the world, have always seen this whole time. i hope you see a bright, brilliant, kind, gorgeous, talented boy who paved the way for so many people after him and inspired not only countless millions across the world but inspired me to be better and to do better. i hope you’ll understand that those stars in your eyes are the stars that so many around the world made wishes on, and that you’ll remember even when the awards and the fame and the bright lights of it all fade they are still going to be the stars that i look in and i wish on and i am inspired by because it is not your achievements or your professional accomplishments alone that inspire me, darling, it is the very essence of who you are and who you always have been; you are my inspiration, because it is you that i am most proud of in this world.

you gave an incredible performance tonight, as you do each and every time i have ever watched you perform, and i’m so proud of you for that - more proud that i can ever put into words - but please don’t forget that i am equally proud of and thankful for the person that you are and that you continue to become. i love you so much, and i’m so unendingly grateful to be one of the few who get to experience life at your side. because trust me, baby, life with you is nothing short of perfection and you give magic to my every day. you’re just .. such an incredible person, in every way that i can think of, and i cannot tell you the number of times i looked over at you tonight alone and found myself genuinely momentarily struck speechless with the reminder of that.

i’m sorry that this little note was all over the place, but i’ve got so much pride and so much love for you built up that i need to just gush about it somewhere before i explode. thank you so much for tonight ( and for every other night ). i love you more than words will ever match, my grammy performing ( and should be grammy award winning ) husband.

[tclkingtothemoon]

January 19th, 2020. 10:48 PM.

I missed you so much today. and I’m used to missing you, whenever you have to go out for work for the day or be away from me for something else, but today was something different entirely. It was one of the first days that I’ve had to spend away from you because I had somewhere I had to go in a long time and oh my god I felt every second of the day; I swear, as dramatic as it sounds, I could actually physically feel the time passing by ( and dragging on around ) me as the minutes without you ticked by.

Everywhere I went, I saw you. I had to take Tannie to a grooming appointment I’d set for him and the entire time I couldn’t stop thinking about how excited I was to come home to you and show you how cute he looked with his new, fresh cut; I wasn’t even interested in anything else, I just wanted to know what your reaction would be. And my friend ( who I’m officially deleting from my life and blocking on all social media after they had the nerve to take me away from you today ) wanted to go see Frozen 2 and ... the entire time I was just thinking of you - of how you’d put that song on my playlist, and how you must’ve giggled at all of the funny parts when you went to see it yourself; I couldn’t stop thinking about how much better it would’ve been if you were by my side, holding my hand whenever I started to cry because Olaf died or burying your giggles into the side of my neck when you found something funny. Even shopping afterward wasn’t free from thoughts of you - an admission that, perhaps, isn’t needed since you know that it ended in me purchasing a necklace with your name; everything I saw, I wondered if you’d like it or if you’d be interested in it. It was as if you were in everything I did or saw and I couldn’t keep my thoughts from wandering back to you the entire time ( although, I hardly tried to get my thoughts on anything else .. since I’m whipped and I love to think about you ).

And, typically, that would sound like a sort of bittersweet thing; to miss you that much, typically, would make me sad. but, today .. I felt sort of .. happy? not to be away from you, of course, ( I missed you so much it was genuinely difficult to breathe half of the day ) but to know that you and this and us is something so all encompassing and wonderful that it has the strength to seep into everything that I do and see; to know that what we have is now something that I have the luxury of missing. and I guess that’s what all of this rambling is leading to; you’ve made even the feeling of longing, and the act of missing something, a luxury to me - because I know that the fact I can long for and miss you in the way that I do now is only confirmation that you’re now genuinely my home. I’ve known that for a long time, and you’ve known it for quite a while too now, but today was just yet another reminder of that fact and every reminder - no matter how big or small - is enough to make my heart beat wildly in my chest. Because I’m exactly where I’ve always dreamed of being; home, with you.

I love you, Kim Jungkook ( genuinely had to set the phone down and take a break after typing that because it still makes me go clskdkg ) and I’m so sorry that I had to be away from you today, but I do hope that you always remember that even when I am away you’re the one on my mind and the one that my heart is yearning anxiously and eagerly to get back home to. everything else is dull in comparison to you, my little sunflower. thank you for giving me a place to come home to, and for also giving me a love so great that it’s not only worth missing but capable of being seen in everything.

also, you know that song in Frozen 2 - the lost in the woods song? I know that it’s sort of a sad song in the movie, but there’s a line in there where he says “ now I know you're my true north, 'cause I am lost in the woods. up is down, day is night, when you're not there. oh, you're my only landmark, so I'm lost in the woods. ”, and .. yeah. I think that sort of summarizes it; you’re my north star, you’re in everything I do, and I’d be absolutely lost without you.