january 27th, 2020. 4:40 AM.
hi, baby. i know i’m behind on all of your letters, i promise that i haven’t forgotten about them and that i have all of them backed up to post once i finish them, but i just have some things that i wanted to write down tonight instead of waiting to post them in the right order with the others. i also don’t have too much of a plan with this, and this entire letter may end up being a little bit of a mess because of that; i hope that that’s all alright.
i just want to talk about how proud i am of you. i know that i already say it every now and then, and that i’ve also told you more times than i could count in all of our years together, but i feel as if i somehow still never say it enough. so, in case you’ve ever forgotten or doubted; i’m genuinely so breathtakingly proud of you. watching you do anything, whether it be something simple, practicing seemingly endlessly for something that i’m positive you’ve already masted days before ( because you master almost anything immediately ) or singing in the shower just loud enough that i can hear you from the comfort of our bed, or something grand, performing to millions of people with the ease that only most legendary musicians carry, or walking the red carpet in a foreign country at a foreign award show as if you feel right at home; i’m so proud of you that i literally feel like my chest is tight with the effort not to cry sometimes just watching you. and i know that sounds silly, maybe even a little ( a lot ) weird, but .. i’ve grown up with you, in a lot of ways, and i’ve been lucky enough to watch you go from a nervous teenager, too shy to even open up to or sing in front of me and the boys, to a young man working as a world wide phenomenon taking over the world one city at a time with the grace and kindness that is unmatched by anyone who has tried it beforehand - all at my side - and i’m just so overwhelemed with pride for not only the performer and the artist that you are, but for the person that you’ve become as well.
i wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the grammys tonight, when they first began. i thought that the entire event was sort of .. forced, if that makes sense?? there were so many negative stories around the concept of it, that i’d allowed myself to get a little bummed about the entire event as a whole. but, as you always do, you still managed to make the entire evening a dream somehow; you held my hand, and you held me, and you made me laugh, and you pointed out my favorites when i started to get uninterested in the show, and you whispered compliments to me when my confidence wavered, and you sang to me when i needed a distraction, and .. you made a night that i had expected to feel forced and uninteresting, feel warm and like home instead. and, somewhere along the way ( with your help ), i allowed myself to forget the previous grudges that i’d held for the event and allowed myself to, instead, remember how many people dreamed of getting to do what we did tonight. the grammys are a dream, for so many performers, and tonight you and i and our boys were lucky enough to not only attend but to perform and, regardless of all other details, i’m so .. grateful for that, grateful to be here. with you. and when that thought came to me, when i felt overwhelmed with the weight of the realization i’d made, i looked to my side and there you were; steady, and confident, and comforting ( and so, so gorgeous). and i ... was, yet again, so proud of you. because here i was, as someone older and someone who is supposed to guide you, needing a big grand realization to hold myself with the same poise and view the night with the same magic that you had been doing from the very beginning of it. and your ability to do that, your ability to somehow seemingly spawn magic directly into the fabric of any night, is as important and as impressive as your talent of having the single best vocals i’ve heard across the world and the best stage performance of anyone i’ve ever known.
you doubt yourself a lot ( a fact that, still, both baffles me and breaks my heart ) but i hope, one day, you’ll believe me and what i’m telling you. even if it takes a long time .. when it’s you and i and we’re gathered around the dining table with our kids ( maybe even our grandkids ) and they’re asking us to tell them more stories about the days that we were rockstars, i hope that you’ll see it in the awe that they look at you with as you recount the things that you’ve done and the things that i know you have yet to do; i hope that you’ll see what i, and the rest of the world, have always seen this whole time. i hope you see a bright, brilliant, kind, gorgeous, talented boy who paved the way for so many people after him and inspired not only countless millions across the world but inspired me to be better and to do better. i hope you’ll understand that those stars in your eyes are the stars that so many around the world made wishes on, and that you’ll remember even when the awards and the fame and the bright lights of it all fade they are still going to be the stars that i look in and i wish on and i am inspired by because it is not your achievements or your professional accomplishments alone that inspire me, darling, it is the very essence of who you are and who you always have been; you are my inspiration, because it is you that i am most proud of in this world.
you gave an incredible performance tonight, as you do each and every time i have ever watched you perform, and i’m so proud of you for that - more proud that i can ever put into words - but please don’t forget that i am equally proud of and thankful for the person that you are and that you continue to become. i love you so much, and i’m so unendingly grateful to be one of the few who get to experience life at your side. because trust me, baby, life with you is nothing short of perfection and you give magic to my every day. you’re just .. such an incredible person, in every way that i can think of, and i cannot tell you the number of times i looked over at you tonight alone and found myself genuinely momentarily struck speechless with the reminder of that.
i’m sorry that this little note was all over the place, but i’ve got so much pride and so much love for you built up that i need to just gush about it somewhere before i explode. thank you so much for tonight ( and for every other night ). i love you more than words will ever match, my grammy performing ( and should be grammy award winning ) husband.