Dark & Dirty
Ok, I’ll talk about it.
Since you know nothing about me here it goes... fuck this is weird. I like drugs, I like the feeling of escaping reality. I like the feeling of letting go completely. I have been to so many dark and dirty places chasing this feeling. The back alleys, the dark basements, the cockroach-infested buildings.
It stopped working though. The more I used the harder I found it to let go. I couldn’t have fun the way it once was on a weekend bender, or an overnight “sleepover” at my girlfriend’s house snorting cocaine and drinking vodka. It wasn’t just a double life anymore it was my reality. The more I got into it the harder it became to escape. It became my life,
I slowly lost more and more of the people I should have loved, the opportunities I could have taken and got closer to the day I would lose my life, get a DUI or become permanently locked up in a psych ward. I thought there was no return. I mean once you get caught up in drug dealing, trafficking and the fucking street drama it’s terrifying to go back to your normal life. I thought those people were always around the corner watching me, watching my family.
On top of that, the withdrawal was inevitable. It didn’t bother me so much, what bothered me most about withdrawing was the fear of committing to normal life. So I always ran back to the drugs and the street. I thought, there’s no way people can accept me now. I can’t be normal. I flunked out of school and jobs countless times, I destroyed friendships with nasty name calling because my pride was too evident to admit I was nothing but a slave to the drugs. I disappointed my family. Even my user friends, I disgusted them and I knew it. I felt dirty ALL THE TIME. I felt there was no return.
But that’s not true. I may seem sad or scared about my problems today, but the truth is that’s all they are problems that today I have a solution to. That I know even if fucking hell freezes over, I lose everything I have I know I’m never too far down the scale to come back. Because I was fucking an each away from death and here I am breathing, working, studying, loving my friends and family.
Yeah, some people still hate me. But I don’t hate me anymore. I don’t feel disgusted when I look at myself anymore. I only worry about the people I love who I know only God can take care of. But every day, I feel the sun on my skin I feel free. I no longer have to chase that feeling, I accept that it comes and goes and it’s beyond my control.
And when I meditate and sit with God, I feel at peace I can finally really let go.
I have a program of recovery to thank for that. If you need help please don’t hesitate to message me, or go to a meeting.
