It’s 5:51am (but I’m scheduling this for 4am next week) and I haven’t slept take this:
Ok I’ve kept this bottled up for SO. LONG. Because I have nowhere to say this.
(Warning in advance: this is entirely satirical, I literally can’t drink coffee lol.)
(TW: I am very aggressive toward whoever is reading, swearing, Chris slander).
I have a headcanon that Mclean-Brand products aren’t actually all that bad. Specifically, Mclean-Brand Instant Coffee™. Chris is just a wuss.
Hear me out,
The only time we see someone actually drink and react to Mclean-Brand Instant Coffee™, it’s Chris in S4:E8 The Treasure Island of Dr. McLean. He’s promoting the coffee, takes one sip and spits it out.
“Void!” I hear you call, “Surely you and I both know Chris is a man of quality! The coffee must be bad for him to spit it out! That’s how spitting things out work!”
Hush, my sweet summer child. I am getting to it.
“Void! It makes the fish throw up when he tips it iin the water!”
It’s a fucking fish what do you expect? My stomach lining literally disintegrates every time I drink coffee, and that fish has never had it before. Coffee’s hard on the organs, guys!
Anyway,
Instant Coffee is notoriously bad already, but if we ignore that - what is Chris’s one issue with the coffee? He spits it and claims it’s “bitter.”
Coffee is bitter. That’s the point. That’s the defining thing. That’s what coffee is.
Chris thinking the coffee is gross because it’s bitter is just like if I were to spit out water because it’s wet. That’s the whole point.
Instead, I think Chris just really can’t handle coffee.
To support this statement, I point you towards S3:E4 Anything Yukon Do, I Can Do Better. In this episode, Sierra mentions that Chris’s second favourite drink (only to tomato juice) is: Cocoa.
We all know that “enjoying cocoa” is just code for “I’m too much of a pansy to handle real coffee because I never grew out of having a sweet tooth and also I am a baby waa.” This is very much in-line with CHris being a childish asshole. I feel like i don’t need to source that, just watch the show.
“Void!!” I hear you call, “In S1:E3, Chris is shown holding a coffee and Gwen references the grinds!”
WRONG. Well, no. Factually, that is entirely correct. But when, pray tell, does Chris confirm that the drink is coffee? Hm? Did you assume it was coffee because there was a bean on the cup? Did you assume it was coffee because Gwen says rinds? Gwen is fucking delusional. Gwen has been awake for 85 hours at that point. She tried to eat fictional coffee rinds. Don’t trust Gwen.
And I worked at a cafe for ages and every single hot chocolate I ordered aggressively handed to OTHER people (not to myself) had coffee beans on the front bc that was just the design of our cups, guys. They cater to the majority of alphas who drink coffee and not losers who drink hot chocolate.
“B-B-But Void!” would you stop that? “at some point in TDA, Chris orders a vanilla latte or something” yeah well maybe you should check your source better.
Kidding, that’s on me for being lazy. My argument for you there is that it’s still sweetened. He’s trying to wean himself off of baby drink hot chocolate but it still has to be a vanilla (or maybe it was caramel, even) latte. It can’t just be straight up coffee like real men drink like me (certified real man) and because will and uh Chris is a piss baby argue with a wall buy Mclean-Brand Instant Coffee™ goodnight.
