I just want to live peacefully...
I just realised, anything can happen in a movie. That thought has brought me to a daydream... “if my life was a movie...”
But I can’t change the truth with the fake...
I’m not in a movie at all.
Even if I might be unhappy... I think, living peacefully is something I want the most right now.
What’s the difference between living happily and peacefully? I’m not really sure about it. What do you think?
In the end, people will be all alone. One secret of why I did my best even when I was alone: I kept this in my mind....
“If I’m alone today, it’s all right. Cause sooner or later, people will be all alone.”
I kept thinking that way when I was a kid, dealing with such a bullying that let me learn how to face all the things alone.
I had one or more best friends, I remembered.
He wasn’t showing his kindness to me when my classmates were around. He just texted me after school, asked me whether I was okay or needed something. I think he was also a kind of strength to me back then. And... the other boys as well, they finally broke it all. The boys were whining about those girls-who used to be my besties-who had provoked everyone in class to bully me. Yet, my first monkey-love wasn’t doing anything. I was disappointed but I knew he had no intention to follow the girls too. They’re all my friends-the boys-from that time. Those who helped me struggling with my lonely days.
It’s been frustrating, even now... I just still can’t get rid of those memories. One of the reasons why I have troubles making friends. Because sometimes I think I don’t need any of them. Me myself is a multitude, I think that way. But you know....? I need someone who would really take care of me... take care of my heart.
I’m only victim... what’s wrong with me? I explained all of it over and over again. I’m so sick of being ignored and facing such fake friends. I just need some friends who are really showing their true colours over me. If I do something bad then tell me in person and make a deal. What’s so good in talking about me behind my back then facing me with a smile? It won’t cost anything to buy you a friendship... but sincerity. Since I’m really stupid about making friends, I only believe in that kind of purity in such friendship. I don’t know what’s the point of talking someone’s flaws at the back. Badmouthing someone else wouldn’t help us to be better, would it? It’s just so low. I keep thinking that way. That’s why... every time a group of people started that useless activity, I’ll be on my way to hustle myself. I did it too when I had my study-working programme in the village. I’m a neutral person in the group... I was so glad that I was being that way.
I just want to love everyone and being loved. I just want to love a specific person and being loved as well. I just want to be all there, and I want people to treat me the same. What’s so wrong about my expectations?... I guess it’s only me who thinks it’s affordable. In fact.... it’s so hard to get. I can’t afford that sincere feelings from others. Anything I do is just wrongdoing in their eyes. What should I do? I couldn’t make everybody happy, so I started to think that so do they. And I’m a part of “everyone” for them.
I’m not talking out of anger... I’m giving up everything. I just want to live peacefully... I don’t want to keep whining about something that I don’t deserve. I will not ask why and how anymore. I will just try to accept all the things that come to my life. Whether it’s good or bad, I know it’s all the best to happen. I just want to live peacefully... even if I might be unhappy. I won’t forgive or forget anything.... as long as I could remember those bad things, it’s gonna be such a reminder to myself. Those are the things I’ve experienced before and they’re the tools that God used to make me stronger. I will remember them that way. So I won’t forget to be grateful...
I will not imagine about something nice and beautiful in my life... who knows, I might not deserve it. I know who I really am... but lately, I’m just not sure what I really want. It’s worse than failing to get what you want.
Sure... knowing nothing about what you want is worse than failing to get what you want.
That’s why... something I can figure out right now is only this...
I just want to live peacefully.
Live in peace.
Rest in peace.