#coffin cases

[coffincases]

Happy Valentines Day!  In celebration, let’s take a look at one of the most famous vampire romances: Twilight!  

(Hey, I never said it was the BEST vampire romance)

As a blog devoted to discussing all manner of vampire series, Twilight’s something of the undead elephant in the room.  Its impact on the genre is unmistakable, and yet, what’s there to say that hasn’t already been said about the thing?

Well, I watched the movie for the first time this past weekend, trying to give it its fair shake.  It’s... not really a great movie.  The first half has so much uncomfortable staring and very very VERY close close-up shots, and everything is BLUE for some reason.  No one’s dialogue ever actually MEANS anything, and it just sort of washes over you without taking hold.  

That said, it’s not some sort of abomination of film.  It’s just a dumb bad movie that teenagers happened to like.  It’s not even that damaging to vampire fiction; there’s plenty of bad, broody vampire romance out there.  Plus, there were some highlights.  I really liked the weird sort of positive family-unit the Cullens are, considering most vampire stories are lone-wolf solo stories, and any covens are just groups of convenience.  The Cullens do dumb stuff like play baseball together (when it thunderstorms, to hide the sound of them hitting the baseballs too hard).  When one of their own gets a human girlfriend, they all try to figure out how cooking works.  It’s all kind of adorably-doofy. If there was anything I’d want more vampire series to take from the Twilight movies, I think maybe a more-positive interaction between immortals could go a long way in making a lot of these series less of a brood-fest.

But if you’re gonna pretend to all be siblings, even adopted siblings, maybe don’t ALSO go to school as romantic couples.  That’s just weird.  The movie points out how it’s weird, but that doesn’t make it not weird.

[coffincases]

THERAPY FOR A VAMPIRE (2014)

Original title, Der Vampir auf der Couch Film, Romantic Comedy. subtitled. The Vampires: Classic Dracula-style. Antagonists.

A young couple’s relationship gets increasingly complicated when they cross paths with a married pair of vampires, who’re having love-troubles of their own.  

When was the last time you saw a vampire with a counting compulsion, outside of Sesame Street?  Did you even know that was a thing with vampires?  Therapy for a Vampire gives their bloodsuckers all sorts of the classic trappings: aversion to sunlight and garlic, lack of a reflection, transformations into bats and (the less commonly used) wolves, stakes through the heart. They even have a Renfield-esque assistant.

But the movie also includes some interesting new vampire inventions that I don’t think I’ve seen before: likenesses unable to be captured by sculpture or paint, reincarnation-revival rituals (a la The Mummy), weird rules for newly-turned vampires.  Perhaps this is the movie’s biggest complication; it spends so much time introducing or establishing each of these little vampire quirks that it doesn’t have nearly enough time to spend on the main plot or deeper character development.  

The most interesting element of the film is the relationship problems of this vampire couple who’ve been married for 500 years.  Count Geza von Kozsnom realizes he doesn’t love his wife, and pines for a woman he lost hundreds of years ago.  Countess Elsa von Kozsnom is insecure about her beauty, having been unable to see herself captured in mirrors, painting, or sculpture.  You certainly feel sympathetic towards these two, even if they are technically the villains of the movie.  Sadly, neither problem really resolves itself in a satisfactory way, when the ending becomes too action-focused for its own good.

The other two main characters in this story, the human couple, aren’t nearly as compelling.  Their relationship troubles are a little less clear, and not particularly sympathetic.  A number of times, I found myself rooting against the young painter, who never really appreciates his girlfriend.  His girlfriend, too, is a little one-note.  Her personality changes with a flip of a switch in the middle of the movie, and then stays that way for the rest of it.

That being said, the movie has some really fantastic visuals and a clear and appealing aesthetic.  There’re a number of rather humorous scenes, particularly dealing with the vampires’ arithmomania.  And Sigmund Freud, while woefully underused, is quite an adorable old man in his scenes.

Therapy for a Vampire is a fun movie that tries to do a few fun new things within the classic Dracula mold, but ultimately doesn’t do enough to stray far from its comfort zone.

[coffincases]

THE STRAIN, (2014-  ) TV (FX), Horror The Vampires: Nosferatu-humanoid type, varying sentience. Antagonists.

Okay. Honestly, I was going to start my Coffin Cases reviews/comics with something a little more classical, but The Strain has so much content to joke, because it’s just so off-the-rails in terms of its vampires!  FX is obviously trying to cash in on the whole Walking Dead schtick with its zombie-like hordes of vampires and... ....

... ... ... The worms.  You really can’t focus on anything else on this series when you’re presented with those worms!  The vampirism is spread by body-infesting worms, and all vampires have one giant worm that can shoot out of their throat, alien-like, thus negating that whole “vampire sexily biting someone’s neck” visual.   And the king of the worms is The Master, a giant rubber puppet with Mick Jagger lips. It's insane.

The rest of the show is whatever. It’s The Walking Dead, but with things that are mostly-vampire.  But that whole worm gimmick is so insane to me that I can’t not watch this series, as campy as it is.

[metalinsider]

John 5 hangs out with monsters in new video Rob Zombie guitarist John 5 is a guitar genius, who's played with everyone from Rob Halford and Marilyn Manson to David Lee Roth.

[luck--y]

SMOKING KILLS