#coldhotdogs

[nothingelsesatisfies]

Procrastination Station

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been 3 months since I last posted, I know.

Right now, I’m getting ready for my school class’s missions trip to the Dominican Republic, and I have to write my testimony.

I’m terrified. What will I write? Especially now that in the past two months I’ve barely thought about posting on this blog or opened my Bible. To be completely honest--because that is what I always wanted this blog to be--I haven't even been reading the Jesus Calling daily devotional that my best friend got me for Christmas. It's what I specifically wanted to read this year. And now I’m supposed to go on a missions trip? I feel so hypocritical.

I’ve always believed that it’s not so much telling someone you're a Christian, but showing them, and I haven't been a good example of that lately. I will not, in any right state of heart, say that I'm waiting for the missions trip to "sort me out" and that I'll come back "completely changed". That's ridiculous. I already know that this trip will do more for me than I could ever do for the people down there, as redundant as that sounds. But I can't depend on this trip to change me. 

I have all the tools right here and more, but... I think I haven't been very willing. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I remember listening to or reading this thing (I can't remember what) in which a pastor was telling a story about one time he preached at a conference. As people were filing out and shaking his hand, one said, "I wish I was closer to God." And the pastor straight out said, "No, you don't." After a shocked moment he finished with, "If you really did, you would be."

It's a matter of a willing heart and a willing mind.

I think my mindset is that I need to do all this running and fighting and pushing in order to get closer to Him. Thinking about it makes me tired. Thinking about how I haven't read my Bible or my devotions and that I need to "catch up" makes me exhausted. But I'm starting to realize that it doesn't have to.

Where am I going to run? I can't try to run closer to God, He's already here.

Who am I going to fight? I can't try to fight my way towards Him, He's already here. 

What am I going to push? I can't push things out of my way to get to Him, He's already here. 

(I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but I kind of work out my problems as I type. I answer my own questions and settle my own arguments. Usually, by the time I'm finished writing, I feel way, way better.)

I think that might be another reason I wasn't blogging. A part of me, one that just kept growing as I fed it, wasn't willing. Wasn't willing to admit my flaws and my need.

I have to write a testimony. But first, I'm going to open Jesus Calling to March 5, 2014...

What'd ya know? This one is about problems. Here's an excerpt:

"Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall, if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me."

I'm not going to blog about this specific topic.

I kind of already have been.

I've been talking about the past few months, and how my unwillingness has been a problem. I've been reacting to putting effort into my Christian life with distrust and defiance. This lack of willingness has been a stumbling block. But now that I've called it out and pointed at it and said, "I'm going to work on you," I can say that it's taught me something.

Okay, I have a testimony to write.

-L

      Praying a prayer to accept Christ, and therefore becoming a "Christian," doesn't mean you understand what it means to be a Christian, or act like one. It didn't for me when I was eight. At eight years old, I knelt beside my parent's bed and asked Jesus to come into my life. But I didn't really know what that meant.        I only began to get an idea of what it meant to be a Christian around fourteen. Up to then, I was just going through the motions. When I was fifteen years old, my grandfather passed away. This was a big eye-opener to how I had been living my life up to then. I had been living my life the wrong way, doing what I knew was wrong and not doing what I knew was right.        I realized that I needed God in my life. While some may argue that He is a crutch to lean on, I realized that life is too difficult to try to work out on your own. I finally understood that without God, nothing truly mattered. I was trying to go my own way and make my own plans for my life. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" I had to accept that He made my plans, and that they were good.        My God is not a God of anger or hate, but one of mercy and kindness and love. John 3:16-18 says, “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, His one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending His Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust Him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to Him." As soon as I realized that I wanted this amazing God in my life, and accepted Him for his death and resurrection, I was free from my past sin and looking forward to my future and hope given by Him.  He gives me an unconditional love that I can never lose. His grace and forgiveness is never-ending, no matter what I will ever do.        With God, I now live my life to honour Him and bring more people to know Him and the wonderful life He has for everyone. I try to follow James 3:17-18, which says, "But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favouritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."        This message of grace isn't kept secret for a few special people that deserve it. This life of acceptance and love and forgiveness is for every person, of any age or walk of life. You can't deserve it, no one deserves a gift. This is God's gift to everyone; all you have to do is take it. I accepted God into my life, and let Him make my plans. Will you?

[nothingelsesatisfies]

Playing Solitare

“I love Your sanctuary, Lord, the place where Your glorious presence dwells.” -Psalm 26:8

~~~~~~~~~

November is almost over, and it has been a long month.

There are an endless number of things I could say that I learned. [More] Understanding, compassion, patience, self-control…. But really, I think it can all boil down to “being alone”.

Some say, “Alone? Luschka, you’re 16. You’ve never had a real relationship, you’re surrounded by family, what is this being alone business?” 

I don’t mean being single (I know very much how to be that). I mean being by oneself. Not having company. Doing things and generally being alone. Solitude. Let me explain a thing:

Loneliness, which refers to a lack of companionship and is often associated with unhappiness, should not be confused with solitude, which is the state of being alone or cut off from all human contact. You can be in the midst of a crowd of people and still experience loneliness, but not solitude, since you are not physically alone. Similarly, if you enjoy being alone, you can have solitude without loneliness.

I have never been content being alone. I, like so many others, equalled solitude to loneliness. I think, being the community-driven humans we are, we all avoid situations in which we would be alone. We are taught young that the best way to go about things is to use the “buddy system.”

Don’t drive somewhere alone, don’t go out to eat alone, don’t see a movie alone, don’t go for a walk alone, don’t live alone, don’t be alone.

Lately, throughout the course of this month (and even in a bit of October), I have come to embrace solitude. A lot of the time, the world is loud and busy. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being around people and sharing experiences with them. Like I said, I have always hated being alone. I like to create memories with people and spend time with them.

Sometimes, I spend so much time getting to know other people, I don’t leave time to get to know myself.

But I have come to like being alone. I had written this quote down some time ago while reading “Anne of the Island”, but I wasn’t able to fully appreciate it while I rejected the state of being alone:

"While solitude with dreams is glorious, solitude without them has few charms."

For me, solitude is becoming a haven. A time of relaxation and mediation. And really, that’s what solitude is, isn’t it? Because, for Christians, alone is never alone.

That’s the main thing I’ve come to love about my new openness to solitude. It is that, without another human to interact with, I find I keep a very open mind to God. Kind of like an open communication. Growing up in a Christian home and a Christian school, it kind of becomes commonly accepted that praying to God is a process. Close your eyes, bow your head, go through the steps: “Thank you”, “Present ‘Please’”, “Future ‘Please’”,  ”Amen”. 

We were taught that Jesus is our best friend, but when we pray it is usually a forced, formal occasion.

Solitude helped me to talk to Jesus. Sure, He already knows everything that’s going on, but the great thing about talking to the God who created the universe (and who also loves you unconditionally) is that when you ask things of Him, He listens and provides.

Maybe that’s the reason that I had always shied away from solitude before. Being left alone with your thoughts can be daunting sometimes; and when you’re a Christian that knows they aren’t living right, being alone is scary. It forces you to focus on the conviction of the Holy Spirit. You just feel rotten. You want to distract yourself by being with other people. If you focus on them, you don’t need to focus on yourself.

I didn’t know it at the time, but when I look back I can see that I was constantly urging myself: “Keep yourself busy.”

"Idle hands are the devil’s workshop" but an idle mind can be just the place for God to poke you in the sore spot and say, "Hey, looks like that’s not really what you should be doing there. I think you need to talk to Me a little, and we’ll figure this out."

And if you really aren’t willing, then that just makes you grimace and turn away and keep yourself busy. It was for me, anyway. I cannot thank God enough for my Cold Hotdogs. Now, in solitude, I am willing to open myself up to Jesus, and it is so entirely freeing.

After things happen that seem horrible and world-shifting in the present, He is the shoulder I cry on. 

When something good happens, something that fills me up with such joy that I have to laugh or I’ll explode, He is the one I gush to. 

Sometimes, after a day that has not gone especially good or especially bad, I just close my eyes and breathe Him in. He is so entirely good, so entirely loving and holy… 

One of the places I like to seek solitude (of all the places in this big, huge, lonely house I live in) is in the car after I’ve just parked it in the garage. It doesn’t matter the car I’m driving, or the time of day, or what kind of mood I’m in. I have made it a habit to—after I have turned off the engine and closed the garage door—just sit. Sometimes I have music playing. I let it play. Sometimes I have stopped at Tim’s. I eat or drink. Sometimes I just lay my head on the steering wheel and breathe. 

I don’t always have specific words in my head. A lot of times, I don’t think anything at all. The thing that draws me to solitude is the fact that there, in my aloneness, is God. 

Of course, He is everywhere, and I feel Him in a crowd of people just as much as in the driver seat of my car. 

But sometimes we need to get away from the hustle and bustle. What is the rush?  Sometimes we need to get away from people. They are, in all their loveliness, quite distracting. 

I still love people. I love to laugh with them and be with them. I love to talk to people and have deep conversations and get to know them on a genuine level. I love to sit around a fire and drink in the comfort of human companionship. I love to watch movies, and watch TV, and eat with people.

But now, I also love being with God. I have settled my soul, I have accepted the grace of Jesus, I have stopped shying away from conviction. I am not perfect, but Jesus has made me whole. And that is the greatest thing to realise. 

So, it has been a long month. Exceptionally trying. Inconceivably bettering. And to be completely, utterly, soulfully honest: I would not do one thing differently.  God has a plan that is so beyond me, so incomprehensibly good, that I know everything that has happened, the good and the bad, will truly work out for my good:

"And we know that God causes everything to work togetherfor the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." -Romans 8:28

I can happily and truthfully say, “I am alone with my thoughts, and I am in good company.”

-L

[nothingelsesatisfies]

Don't worry.

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?" Matthew 6:25-34

"Don't worry" is such a common phrase that I don't even notice it anymore. Take a moment and think about how many times in the day you hear it. "Don't worry, I can wait." "Don't worry, you'll be fine." "Don't worry, it's only a week."

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

And what do we do?

We worry.

 Dictionary time! Dictionary.com has an incredible definition for worry, one that actually hit a chord with me when I read it:

verb  1. to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret. 

To torment oneself

It's so entirely true.

Too often I find myself worrying. I worry about my relationships with people, I worry about my self worth, I worry about other people's thoughts about me, I worry about my schoolwork, I worry about my future. I overanalyse every situation and conversation and let it eat me up inside until I feel like I am entirely unworthy of anyone's attention or affection.

Every day I torment myself with worries. And I know what God has to say about worries:

Psalm 55:22

22 Give your burdens to the Lord,     and He will take care of you.

I know that I shouldn't worry, really I shouldn't. I should give my worries and my fears to God.

But I think that once you have let yourself give into the worry, it's hard to let them go. Worrying about things is like having a security blanket. You worry so much that you let it consume you. You're constantly in partnership with your worries and you get used to them and you begin to welcome them in.

I guess it's kind of like how they say using drugs or cutting feels.  The worry builds up until it feels like it's going to choke you, so you give in. You let it wash over you, every fear you have, and it feels good. There's relief for just a moment before it chokes you harder than it did before. And it's a circle.

Worry breeds more worry. 

Lately, I have been worrying.

I have been overanalysing.

I have been overemotional.

I have been clingy.

I have been desperate for affection, for conformation that my worries are not true.

I have been stressing over my schoolwork.

I have been stressing about my future.

I have been letting worry consume me.

My last two posts have been about how I've grown in God..... but this one is about my weakness. I have to learn to give these things to God. And while right now it is a struggle for me, I will grow in it.  

I still need reminders, though.  

I have little freakouts. A lot of times, I have freakouts while I'm texting people I'm close to.  I'll type this huge message--sometimes there are swear words included (not something I'm exactly proud of)--and it's mostly just an inner monologue of constant worry pouring out of me. I unfairly push it towards other people. I regret it afterwards.

(And these freakouts do not help my worry in any way at all. Because then I just worry that I've hurt my relationship with the other person, or that I've pushed them away.)

If you're reading this, and you happen to be someone I freak out to over text, sometimes I just need a stern little "Stop, Luschka. Stop worrying."  

Sometimes people just need to know that they're still loved and still thought about.

I am no exception.  

It is such an encouragement to read God's reminders to me. His unconditional and unending love. His amazing grace and beautiful mercy. Honestly, with reminders like these, why do I need anything else?  

It's something I need to grow in.  

Oh, by the way:

I keep saying that I need to do this, or I need to do that. I have to learn this, or learn that. Writing these things helps me to do this. As I write, I learn about myself. I learn where I am weak and I learn where I need work.  

As someone dear to me knows: my strength is not speaking words.  

My strength is writing words.

And so, as I write, I learn about myself. I learn what I need to do to work on my weaknesses. To let God mould them into strengths. So I'm figuring this stuff out. I'm not a perfect person, I don't know everything there is to know about God or love or life. I'm working on it day-by-day. 

And now I know that worry is a problem for me, and I know what I need to do about it. I have to stop tormenting myself, and with God, I can do anything. 

I think for a while, I'm going to need to be reading Philippians 4:6 which says:  

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."

Oh, there it is again.  

"Don't worry."  

...I think I'll notice this one, though. -L 

[nothingelsesatisfies]

I'm More Mature Than You, neener-neener-neener!

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." - 1 Corinthians 13:11

~~~~

Ah, maturity. It's what every teenager wants to have, right?  To be called mature. 

Right?

....Right?

Or is that just me?

I have found that maturity goes hand-in-hand with a lot of other great traits: patience, understanding, compassion, wisdom, foresight, kindness, and self-control, to name a few.

Since my last post, I have been digging around my brain trying to figure out what to write about next. The traits I mentioned above all got drafts made up about them, possible posts. I didn't post any, however, because they didn't feel complete or correct.

In the last three weeks, a lot has happened.

Things that have tested my patience; my understanding, kindness, and compassion; my wisdom and foresight; and my self-control.  Tested and, I hope, strengthened. 

So instead of four different posts about these, I'll just chunk them all together with maturity. 

Patience

My patience has been tested multiple times these past weeks, in little ways and big ones. Little ones like slow drivers in front of me, and big ones like relationships that need time.  Since my "cold hot dogs" I have been working on praising the Lord in all my situations. So when I'm driving and sarcastically commenting to the people around me, "Oh yeah, park before you turn. Good job, buddy. Let's see that license there and whether or not it's legal." I mentally slap myself into saying instead, "Thank you, God, for this opportunity for me to grow in my patience and learn that life is not meant to be lived in a rush." I think that today's world really undervalues patience. Everything is instant. 24/7. Ready in a moment. Cashiers say "Sorry for the wait." after only one minute. People say "Patience is a virtue; possess it if you can.", and then get frustrated waiting in line for a coffee.  I'm not saying I'm perfectly patient. I get really frustrated waiting for small things. Strangely, it's the big things I have more patience with. Like people. I like having patience with people. I've come to realise that no amount of goading or rushing will help a person in need of growth. Every single person on the earth has something they need to work on. Don't try to take the splinter out of your brother's eye while there's still a log in yours, right? And honestly, how can I expect other people to be patient in my time of need when I am impatient in theirs? Yesterday I had to go to Superstore to print out 168 pictures for a school thing. I went up to the 12-year-old Kodak printer and started to print. About half an hour later, I was at 154. And the printer stopped working. I had just 14 pictures left, and I was eager to drive home, pick up some Tims, and read my new book. Forty minutes later, the printer still wasn't working. The lady helping us was really nice. Her name was Catherine. And every few minutes, she would look up at me and my sister and say, "Thank you for your patience." Waiting for it really wasn't a big deal to me. I just shrugged and said, "No problem, I've got no where to be." Eventually, we figured it out and I got all the pictures at a super-discounted rate. It was pretty awesome, and worth spending almost two hours standing around in Superstore.  But on the drive back home, I was the snappiest I've ever been with my road-sarcasm. Nobody was driving fast enough, nobody could make a decent turn, nobody used their signals, everyone cut me off, and so on and so forth. The whole time I was saying in my head, "Wow, did you really need to say that? What happened to the patience you had twenty minutes ago?" 

I think I've learned that my patience with people, one-on-one, is a lot stronger than my patience with objects or people in general. And of course, it's something I have to work on. I was patient at Superstore because I knew it wasn't Catherine's fault that the printer broke, she really was trying everything she could to help us, and I appreciated it.

Certain other people in my life have problems that they need to work through. But like I said before, everyone does. With God on our side, we can get through anything. So I'm being patient with them, and with my circumstances, and with my relationships with people. People aren't instant. People and relationships require time.  So I'm glad I'm learning patience now, and I hope to continue to grow in it.

Understanding, Kindness, and Compassion

Being understanding, kind, and compassionate with people helps with the patience thing, too.

Understanding that there's a different side to every story, a different perspective and train of thought to every incident, and different opinion on every topic.

Everyone you meet in life will have something to say about what you believe, whether it be positive or negative. You cannot change that. Your reaction to what they say is what you can control.  Trying to see things from the other person's perspective is a huge step in maturity. Life isn't black and white, "I'm right, you're wrong". Life is green and brown and purple, and full of compromises and negotiations and understanding.

I'm working on understanding other people's opinions when I disagree with them. A simple, "I understand where you're coming from," goes a long way in an argument. Most of the time, we want to think about ourselves and what we want. But relationships aren't about just you, they're about you and the other person involved. It's a two-way street, so if you can't have understanding, the relationship will go no where.

This works with kindness and compassion, too. Kindness is easy when you try to have an understanding of other people. Compassion comes naturally when your understanding of another person leads you to be kind toward them. 

Like I said before in the patience part: Every single person on the earth has something they need to work on. So be understanding! Be kind! Be compassionate! 

You know you appreciate it when people are understanding and kind and compassionate toward you, so strive to be those to everyone, and you'll get somewhere.

Wisdom and Foresight

These are hard ones. I pray for wisdom a lot. Constantly, I find myself going to James 1:5, "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking."

I ask for wisdom in relationships, in big decisions, in how I treat people, in my walk with Christ, and everyday life. Sometimes, I think I have wisdom, but other times I have no freaking clue.

My brother always used to say, "Knowledge is proud that it knows so much; wisdom is humble that it knows no more." (-William Cowper)

I think that wisdom is knowing that God is in control of everything. Wisdom is being in a stressful situation and giving your anxiety to God. Wisdom is understanding people in a diagreement. Wisdom is knowing that people need to work through things, and being there for them when they do. Wisdom is knowing when to say no, and knowing when to offer more.  Ultimately, wisdom comes from God. Solomon knew it, and he is known as the wisest earthly man to have ever lived. I think this is something I need to remind myself of daily.

Wisdom is also having foresight.

Thinking ahead before just jumping into something is one thing I struggle with. I try, I really do try. 

Little things like making sure you have a house key before driving all the way from town to your empty house. I made that mistake. 

Making sure you have money before you fill your tank up with gas would help.

Studying for the test you know you have tomorrow instead of blogging? Yeah, that's probably smart.

Foresight and wisdom are difficult ones. I want to have wisdom in my life, but most of the time what's wise and right isn't easy. I want to think ahead and prepare, but I just don't want to. 

Anyway, it's something I need to work on. And I'll continue to grow in it, I'm sure.

Self-Control

Oh, the biggie.

I am a sixteen-year-old girl. When I want to eat a cookie, I eat a cookie. When I want to browse pinterest for hours, I browse pinterest for hours. When I want to sit on the couch instead of going for a run, I sit on the couch.

I struggle with self-control a lot.

Or I should say, I struggle with controlling my gluttony. 

As RELEVANT magazine so eloquently put it in their article "The Socially Acceptable Sin," 

"At its simplest, gluttony is the soul’s addiction to excess. It occurs when taste overrules hunger, when want outweighs need."

"when want outweighs need." 

That hits home, doesn't it? How often do we do things just because we want to? (Hint: all the time)

Having self-control in situations is so difficult. Having self-control is being mature. It is having wisdom, understanding, and patience. Control your frustration in line for the coffee. Control your need to make your opinions the "right opinions". Control the part of you that wants to just kick everything out the window and yell "YOLO!"

Most things that are wise and right are not what's easy.

So control the YOLOing. Use wisdom and mature discernment in situations that may require self-control. (I'm totally talking to myself here)

~~~~

I can't think of anything else to say. It has been a tremendous three weeks since my cold hot dogs. 

It has been an amazing ride, and it will continue to be an amazing ride. 

I am so excited to grow in Christ, grow in my self, and grow in my relationships with others.

And most of all, I'm excited to be constantly growing more mature.

-L

[nothingelsesatisfies]

Thank God for Cold Hotdogs

Blessed be the name of the Lord now and forever." Psalm 113:2

~~~~~~~~~

I can't say it enough: Thank God for cold hotdogs!

Yes, really. Should I explain?

I'm Luschka van Aardt. I'm 16 years old, live in a small town in a small peninsula in Canada, and go to an extremely small Christian school. For some perspective, my grade 11 class has four people in it. I've been blessed to grow up in a Christian home with loving parents and three fantastic (although sometimes annoying) siblings. And although I have been raised with such an amazing surrounding, until about a year ago I didn't consider myself to be close to God. That's hard to say.

I can't tell you exactly when I started to believe God was always near me, but I think it was around the time my oupa {grandfather} died. Is that weird? I think when people close to us die, we have to make the decision to either let it strengthen our relationship with Christ or loosen it. That's hard to say, too. 

Now, I can't say that when I received the news that my oupa died, I felt immediately that God was with me. Somewhere, my Christian-bred brain knew He always was, but there's a big difference between knowing and believing.

Honestly, I wrestled a while with this thing. And until a few days ago, I hadn't realised how long I had been carting this around.  It reminds me of the book The Pilgrim's Progress, where the guy carries around this huge burden on his shoulders and he can't get rid of it until he sees the cross. Except I didn't realise what a burden I was carrying. It was a compilation of many things.

I haven't had a hard life. I've had a truly blessed and productively spoiled life. However, I've come to learn that your attitude really does determine your altitude. (Shout out to my teacher there.) Almost the entirety of my grade 10 year was spent with a horrible attitude. My two best friends were no longer in my class, and I was one of two girls in a room full of immature, hormonal boys. I wasn't even that close to the other girl, and that saddens me. Because I could have let that year bring us closer, but instead I let it drive us further apart. I separated myself from my friends and my schoolwork and God.

"Why should I care?" was pretty much my daily thought. I can look back now and see how bad an attitude makes things. I was in student council, but I didn't care enough about school to make it work, and I blame my loss in the run for Vice President on my attitude. I was in my school's worship team, and as much as I have always loved worship, I couldn't grow in my worship of God when I wouldn't allow my relationship with Him grow. I can't say my grades plummeted exactly, because I am pretty smart even when my attitude was bad, but I didn't get the scholastic or the Honour Roll I had promised myself I would get.

"Oh poor muffin, she's too smart and too this and too that."

As I have already stated, I have not had a hard life. And now that I have a little perspective and a better attitude, I can see that. I must say that I'm not telling you what a "difficult" year I had last year to whine and seek pity. I'm just trying to explain some things. Mostly, my relationship with God. Because that's the most important thing here. It's also the reason I'm trying out this blog thing. 

Summer was better, and I was getting back onto the right track. I learned a lot about myself and God over the summer. I read my Bible more and began to get excited about what He was doing in my life. I grew in Him. I began to believe that He was always with me. I began to turn to Him when I needed advice or had a problem or was just confused. I gave my future and my plans to Him and that was something that I really needed to learn to do. Over the summer, I learned to turn to God when I had something wrong. 

So where do the cold hotdogs come in?

Seeing as it's the title of this post, and the title of this blog I'm going to take a swing at, you can probably guess they're pretty important. Some kind of "turn around" moment. And you'd be right.

A few days ago, I was having another bad day. Which really sucks, because my grade 11 year was supposed to be the "Best Year Ever". I had my best friend back, I was in the better classroom, I could drive, I had so much more freedom. Yet I felt chained, restricted, and burdened.  Plus I had this thing stuck in my eye all day that hurt and I couldn't see and it was really, really ticking me off. 

My English teacher had just finished talking about our attitudes, and how they determine how our days and our lives will be. I believed it, but I brushed it off. Because I was having a bad day. And I had this gross thing stuck in my eye! So the bell rings and I go downstairs to get my hotdog, because it was a Monday. However, because I had to go to the washroom to purge my eye of that devilish tree branch, I was late. And so, my hot dog was cold. 

Honestly, at this point, I could have just given up. I could have picked up the hotdog, threw it on the ground, stomped, cried, and just given up. The hotdog could've been my breaking point. And it was the coolest, weirdest, best thing. 

Instead of breaking me, that cold hotdog fixed me. 

Just thinking about it gets me excited again. There's no way I can explain it completely, or tell you to pick up a hotdog and realise something about God. Because really, it's up to you. Maybe what you need is stale chips, or mouldy yogurt (that's a joke).

I picked up that hotdog and something just clicked in my brain. There was a younger student next to me, putting ketchup on her hotdog, and I was just putting some on mine. And I picked it up and I started to say, "Oh great, my hotdog is cold." With a tone of "What the heck else can go wrong today?" Somewhere around "is" I faded out. I looked at the younger girl next to me, putting ketchup on her hotdog, and I realised how ungrateful I was being. I was silent for a few moments and then, honestly, I just went "What the frig are you doing, Luschka?" and I mentally slapped myself and that was it. The burden I didn't know I was carrying around fell off. I felt light and happy and full. And I thanked God. I'm pretty sure everyone thought I had gone completely insane for the rest of the day. I couldn't contain my joy. I felt genuine joy and thankfulness. I was singing, belting it out right in the lunch room. I sang what I thought and it mostly went something like:

Thank the Lord for cold hotdogs, and for teachers who care about me, and for a school that I can praise You in, and for Isaac, and Megan, and Riley, and (insert every other person I saw here). Thank the Lord for cold hotdogs and for voices to sing with and for bodies to dance with and to praise with and for tables to sit at and for bad moods that can be turned around and for trials that teach us and for temptations that strengthen us....

And I didn't stop. I sang everything I thought for the rest of the day. I was jumping, skipping, hopping, dancing, running, laughing, and smiling. Everyone I passed I couldn't help saying something to.

"Jesus loves you! With all of His heart! And it's fantastic!"

"God is so good! He is good all the time!"

"Don't you just feel the joy of the Lord?"

"Why doesn't anyone else want to jump and skip and hop and laugh and sing until they burst to a God who adores us from our heads to our toes?!" 

Some people did, and it only added to my joy. Most people didn't, but that just made my joy feel so much more real. In my 9 years at the school, I don't think I've had a day as happy as that Monday. Oh yeah, it was a Monday!  Of all days for God to show me I needed His joy and his love, it was a Monday! And I love it!

Now, this was a really long and pointless post. You, reader, probably haven't even followed it. I've jumped around quite a bit, and I probably haven't made myself very clear.

What am I even trying to say? I think I'm trying to say that sometimes it's the little things that pile up until they are the big things.

I think I'm trying to say that praising God in everything is hard, but it's easy if you let it.

I think I'm trying to say that God showed me something about Him and about myself that I wasn't believing before. And that something has changed my attitude, my worship, my perspective, my behaviour, my joy, and my relationship with Him.

So, whether this blog ends up working or not, and whether this post has been accurate, factual, and legible or not, I'm going to keep praising God.

And I don't think I'll ever stop thanking Him for cold hotdogs. ~L