On Monday, which just happened to also be President’s Day, I was driving in the direction of the community college. I was in the outer of two left-turning lanes, and I had the green arrow. The car in the innermost lane and I both began to make the turn, when a pick-up truck came speeding through the red light, hit both of us and crashed into the median on the other side of the street. The car in the innermost turning lane took most of the impact and was pushed across the street, but didn’t look that damaged. I got out of my own car totally dazed and confused. My car was still running but the front of it was totally smashed in, and the key wouldn’t come out of the ignition. It also wouldn’t move forward even though it was still running.
The driver that was also hit was completely livid. I asked him if he’d called the police and he said that he had. I thanked him, still totally dazed. Then another driver who saw the accident called me across the street only to say, “Take down my number. I do body damage repair. It’ll look like it never happened”. It was outrageous that he was trying to sell himself in the midst of an accident- regardless of the fact that no one was hurt- but I was just so out of it that I started to take his number and that’s when the police arrived.
To make a long story short, the police took everyone’s information, and I opted to get checked out even though I was only in minimal pain. I had spoken briefly with the driver of the offending vehicle. He claimed that his brakes had gone out- it was rainy and slippery either way- but it was obvious that he was driving through the intersection way too fast and was probably trying to beat the red light. He also said that his insurance had expired the month before, but that barely concerned me because I have underinsured/uninsured motorist protection on my insurance policy.
Anyway, I thought I overheard the police say that we didn’t need to take eachother’s information- that everything was all going to be on the police report. (Later on, though, I would find out that maybe I should’ve taken some information, because the police report won’t be available until next week, and my insurance company can’t move forward with my claim until it’s available). I asked if I needed to call to get my car towed, and the police said that was taken care of as well (and again, I probably shouldn’t have let the police handle that- I should’ve had it towed by a private company).
A police officer offered to drive me home, but I said that since it wasn’t far from my apartments I could just walk- I still wasn’t thinking clearly. In the end, though, a female police officer did drive me home. Right as we were leaving another officer asked if I needed anything else from the car- I said my bag was stuck in my trunk. She told me that the seats folded down, and I had been too dazed to even know or remember that. So I got my school backpack, which was really important for me to have. (That was one of a series of fortunate events that would occur over the next couple of days).
When I got home, I messaged my brother and my sister-in-law, and also my best friend. Even though it was a pretty serious thing, I decided not to violate the no-contact with my parents and inform them. I would just let them find out secondhand from my brother. I knew that my dad would probably tell me that the collision was a warning from God that I needed to change my wicked ways, and I didn’t need that kind of negativity at a vulnerable time (I also didn’t want him to think I was asking for help). Which, leads me into what this post is really all about…
When something like this happens, people normally attribute some kind of cosmic significance to it. It’s either to say, “I’m a good person- why would something like this happen to me?” or to say “Thank God it wasn’t worst”. Actually, a lady who witnessed the scene and was offering her services, said “I’m glad no one was really hurt- God was watching!” and my slightly rebellious brain was thinking, “If He was watching, why did He allow it to happen in the first place?” (I chastised myself a bit for this cynicism).
Maybe we’re all looking at it the wrong way- that a guy speeding through a red light on a Monday morning has nothing to do with divine intervention or the lack thereof- it’s just plain down to a man being idiotic at the wrong time. On a different day, he may have made it through, but on that day, he hit two people. One of them was me, and now I’m suffering the inconvenience of not having a car, the uncertainty of whether or not it’s repairable, and the expenses of it being in the police pound until it can be moved.
The accident may not have been good fortune, but the fact that I have people who are supporting me through this is. Co-workers are giving me rides home at night from work. My caseworker- who is really also my friend- not only took me up the police station to check on the status of the report, but dropped me off and school and work yesterday. Thanks to my tax refund and my refund from school, I have more than enough money to cover the expenses that I might incur until I can be reimbursed by my insurance company. The toughest part of it is just not knowing how far those finances need to stretch yet.
I sometimes ask myself, “What if this had occurred at a different time of year, when I couldn’t depend on the tax refund? What if I hadn’t taken extra classes and gotten extra money from school?” Of course, while I’m saying that, I could ask “Why did it happen at all?” After all, I’ve been “good”- plus I was not at fault. The other driver, who was hit, and I had the right of way. I know though, that sometimes you can be doing the right things and bad things can still happen. I wasn’t injured, but I’m discovering how tough- or at least tricky- it is to be without a vehicle. I also had just done a lot of repairs on my car and was planning on doing more at the end of the month.
Even in thinking all this, though, I had thought about all of the times that I had been kind to other people who didn’t have their own transportation. I would drive co-workers home or to the bus stop/train station late at night. As one of the few people with a vehicle I would drive women at my old house to some of their destinations, often not taking money in return. Part of me always had this thought, “If I were in the same position, I would want someone to do the same thing for me” or “Someday I might need some help and I want to be able to get it.” Well now I am in that position, and my pride/fierce spirit of independence sometimes gets in the way of me asking for help. My caseworker kind of chastised me, “Stop blocking people from their blessing!” I could see myself in the people who needed help, but I couldn’t see myself in the people wanting to help. Maybe just like I did, there are people who want to pay it forward.
That being said, maybe paying it forward doesn’t actually have the desired results. Maybe just because we’re kind, doesn’t mean that the universe is going to be kind back (we just went over this.) A lot of the time kindness is taken for weakness and exploited. Maybe it’s enough to be kind, just for its own sake, even if you might not necessarily receive exactly what you give out. What I discovered in my case, though, is that my support network has become a little bit wider with time. In the past, I might not have had anyone I could turn to for help during all of this. Even a stranger- the woman who made the comment “God was watching”- offered her number and offered to help if she could. I turned her down, but now I think that maybe I shouldn’t have. It’s okay to need help, and if someone is offering it, most of the time they are sincere. It would actually be kind of arrogant to think that I was the only one who didn’t feel inconvenienced by helping people- or at the very least chose to help despite inconvenience.
So I don’t know why this happened. Honestly I thnk it was just due to the carelessness of the driver. It’s crazy how your whole life can be interrupted in less than 5 seconds. i didn’t go to school that day, and I didn’t go to school today either, because I just felt so unwell from having to deal with all of this. I’ve really attacked myself for the slacking off last weekend and the struggle with concentration right now. My best friend has been telling myself to be kinder to myself- that this was a traumatic event and of course it’s currently hard for me to focus. I know he’s right. Even if the accident hadn’t happened, it would’ve still been okay for me to relax a little. During school semesters I pretty much work nonstop, and criticize myself for every break that I take. There’s got to be a way to make my life more balanced.
Again, I’m trying to step away from attributing things that happen to divine intervention or the law of attraction. If there is a lesson to be learned in this, though, it’s probably the usual lesson, which is, that I’m stronger than I realize and that things always work out for me in the end. In “Getting Through the Rough Spots” my friend wrote that unimportant things always seem urgent and important things almost never do. She also wrote that sometimes it’s best to just be committed to a course of action, even if you’re not sure if that’s actually correct. The main thing is just to make a decision and rest in that. Also, nothing stops you from changing your mind if you want to.
So, more than likely, this isn’t something special. C'est la vie. Collisions happen everyday, and if you manage to survive them you pick up the pieces and move on. I don’t think God- or the devil for that matter- was influencing that guy to try to beat a red light so that we would be hit. Also don’t know if God’s angels were standing by to ensure our safety. Whatever happened, happened, and we just have to be grateful that we’re all okay and then just deal with it. (That’s what I’ll be doing, anyway.)
