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Why does the home colon cancer screening kit that was prescribed for me have a goddamn cute mascot and why does it look like this

Clippy-looking motherfucker.

"You look like you're trying to screen yourself for colon cancer! Want some help?"

#cologuard #logo mascot #clippy #whyyyyyyyy

Sept 23, 2021 - Yesterday I finally got my shit together

Literally!

In mid August my MD decided I needed to be screened for colon cancer. They arranged for the makers of Cologuard to send me a kit to get a stool sample and send it to their lab in Madison, WI. It got to be a month and I hadn’t received my kit yet, so I called them and they told me that for some reason it had been delivered to a CVS pharmacy a few miles from where I lived. So last week I went out there and picked it up.

I will confess to some reluctance in taking the test. I mean, I really don’t want to hear, “The disease has spread so far and is so virulent that we have to cut out most of your lower digestive tract and hook you up to a machine for the rest of your life, oh and you can forget about riding your bike or going to the gym or...” But anyway, yesterday I got up early and prepared to take care of business.

One instruction that gave me a little pause was the directive to not provide so large a sample that it wouldn’t fit in the collection bowl. I had to think, “Ya know, none of us knows how big it’s gonna be until it comes out. How the hell are we supposed to regulate something like that?” But, luckily, my “sample” was pretty much just the right size.

Then I had to do some other stuff like scrape the side of my sample with a little toothpick-sized stick and screw it into a test tube. Then I had to pour preservative solution on the main sample, screw the lid on the bowl nice and tight, prepare labels with my name, date of birth, and the date and time of the sample, uhhh... “manifestation” I suppose is as good a word as any. I had to put it back in the box it came in, seal the zip-up plastic bag (I’m sure the UPS drivers don’t care for the contents of these kits leaking out), seal the box and then take off the original delivery label to reveal the return label.

I was gonna have a family friend take ne to the UPS Store but that fell through, so I called UPS and they arranged for a pickup at my apartment building that same day. (This sample has to get back to them pretty much the nect day for the tests to be effective.) I set the package outside my apartment building, and a few hours later it was gone so I am confident it’s on its way to Madison.

I suppose I’ll be hearing from my health care provider soon enough if the tests come back with anything I need to be concerned about. I listen to a local Classic Rock station, and they regularly run commercials for Cologuard; one of the lines in the commercial is “Colon cancer is more treatable if it’s caught early.” I still have these underlying feelings of, “I shre hope I caught it early enough.” But then, I’m sure procrastinating and playing the game of “ignorance is bliss” would have been a lot worse in the long run.

#personal #colon caner #colon cancer screening #cologuard

So, I haven’t posted about this, or even told very many people, because I’ve basically been working on not thinking about it too much.

Since I’m over 50, my doctor kept bugging me to do a colonoscopy. I finally caved in, sort of, and did one of those ‘cologuard’ tests for colon cancer. It came back positive.

There is certainly a possibility that this is a false-positive, and that’s kinda what I’ve been holding onto to keep myself afloat. Tomorrow I have a diagnostic colonoscopy to find out if there really is anything, or if the cologuard test was wrong.

Today I’m on clear liquids only, and at 5pm and midnight I have to drink a half-gallon of ... roto-rooter clean out stuff. Joy.

So, I’ll let you know what the results are when I know. I’m pretty sure it won’t be tomorrow, but I forgot to ask them when I get the results.

On the positive side, I’ve been trying to psych myself up to do a day of fasting each week, so this kinda forced it on me.

#journal #crc #colon #colonoscopy #colorectal cancer #cancer #cologuard #hoping it was just a false positive #trying mostly to not think about it #mybigfatfitlife #fatmaninalittlesuit #theunstuffedpepper #losingmydemons #brorilla #deartreadmill #fitnessgeekcoffeefreak

dumping mosttttt of my cologuard x progressive here cause it feels like a tumblr thing to do. this is just kinda what i have on hand but ive drawn other stuff too. these span from 2021-2025

i also have catified versions of them which do have their own ref sheets but i cant be bothered to put them here rn lol. if anyone were to happen to want to see i can post them tho

#cologuard #progressive #progressive insurance #blueboxshipping #ship art #mlm