#commander capslock

[carcinogovernor]

FEFERI AND I HAD A "DIFFERENCE OF OPINION" TONIGHT.

WHICH IS DIPLOMATIC CODE FOR "SHE SMILED AT ME WHILE COMPLETELY IGNORING EVERYTHING I SAID."

SHE THINKS WE SHOULD LOOSEN REGULATIONS ON TRADE BETWEEN DISTRICTS. I THINK WE SHOULD MAYBE MAKE SURE THE ENTIRE ECONOMY DOESN'T IMPLODE FIRST.

HER ARGUMENT WAS "IT'LL BUILD TRUST." MINE WAS "IT'LL BUILD BLACK MARKETS." GUESS WHICH ONE SOUNDED MORE FUN TO THE COUNCIL.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T TRUST HER. IT'S THAT SHE TRUSTS EVERYONE ELSE. WHICH IS FINE, UNTIL "EVERYONE ELSE" STARTS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER.

SHE'S PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THE LONG-TERM STUFF. SHE USUALLY IS. BUT IN THE SHORT TERM, I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PATCH THE HOLES IN THE BOAT WHILE SHE'S OUT THERE TELLING EVERYONE TO ENJOY THE VIEW.

[carcinogovernor]

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I'M MAKING A DIFFERENCE, AND THEN I REMEMBER THAT THE LAST TIME I TOOK A WEEK OFF, A COMMITTEE TRIED TO LEGALLY DEFINE "OPTIMISM" AS A TAXABLE RESOURCE. SO YES, I GUESS I'M STILL NECESSARY.

[carcinogovernor]

FEFERI LITERALLY CRIES SOMETIMES WHEN SHE SEES A VERY CUTE AND SMALL ANIMAL. THIS INCLUDES SOLLUX CAPTOR, APPARENTLY.

[carcinogovernor]

NO. YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KILL YOUR KISMESIS.

THE ENTIRE POINT OF A KISMESIS IS TO HAVE A SUSTAINED, MUTUALLY RECOGNIZED RIVALRY. *SUSTAINED.* AS IN, THEY'RE STILL BREATHING. IF YOU SUCCEED IN YOUR LETHAL IMPULSE, CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR RIVALRY JUST SELF-DESTRUCTED. DEAD RIVALS DON'T ARGUE BACK, AND WITHOUT THE CONSTANT PUSH AND PULL, THERE IS NO KISMESIS. THERE'S JUST A CORPSE AND YOU BEING THE UNSTABLE LUNATIC WHO KILLED THEM.

YES, FIGHTS HAPPEN. YES, BRUISES, SCRATCHES, BITING, BLEEDING, INJURIES, ROUGH SEX, SHOUTING MATCHES, WHATEVER, ARE ALL TOTALLY FINE. NECESSARY, EVEN. IT'S A HIGH-TENSION DYNAMIC BY DESIGN. BUT THE SECOND YOU CROSS THE LINE INTO ACTUAL "I WANT TO REMOVE THIS PERSON FROM EXISTENCE" TERRITORY, YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. YOU'RE IN A FUCKING CRIME SCENE.

SO TO SUMMARIZE:

HEALTHY KISMESIS = CONSTANT FRICTION, MUTUAL MOTIVATION, NOBODY ENDS UP DEAD. YOUR KISMESIS IS THERE TO MAKE YOU A BETTER TROLL, NOT A WORSE ONE. YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AND THEIR LIFE EQUALLY AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD A MATESPRIT.

UNHEALTHY KISMESIS = YOU'RE PLANNING THEIR FUNERAL AND ARGUING WITH THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT WHY "IT WAS JUST PART OF OUR THING" ISN'T A VALID DEFENSE.

EDIT: YOU ALSO SHOULD NOT BE PERMANENTLY MAIMING/DISABLING YOUR KISMESIS. THERE ARE PLENTY OF SCENARIOS WHERE MURDERS/MAIMING HAPPEN WITH PLATONIC HATRED IN TROLLS THOUGH.

[carcinogovernor]

EMPIRE UPDATE, BECAUSE APPARENTLY I'M THE UNOFFICIAL PRESS OUTLET NOW:

🦀 GOOD NEWS: NOBODY SET ANYTHING ON FIRE THIS WEEK. BAD NEWS: THE REASON WHY IS BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS TOO BUSY ARGUING ABOUT THE COLOR OF THE NEW GOVERNMENT STATIONERY. YES. REALLY.

🦀 FEFERI TALKED AN ENTIRE HALL OF DIPLOMATS INTO AGREEING ON SOMETHING IN UNDER AN HOUR, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE QUALIFIES AS A MIRACLE.

🦀 SOMEONE TRIED TO PETITION FOR AN "OFFICIAL EMPIRE HOLIDAY" IN THEIR HONOR BECAUSE THEY CAUGHT A BIG FISH. THE PETITION WAS DENIED, BUT THE FISH WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

CONCLUSION: EVERYTHING IS FINE, EVERYTHING IS STUPID, AND I'M STILL GETTING PAID TO YELL AT PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT.

[carcinogovernor]

EXPERIENCING INTENSE SELF LOATHING CURRENTLY.

[carcinogovernor]

TODAY'S "COMMANDERLY DUTY" CONSISTED OF SITTING IN A MEETING ROOM FOR FIVE HOURS WHILE A GROUP OF CIVIC PLANNERS ARGUED OVER HOW MANY STURDY METAL BINS THE CAPITAL DISTRICT NEEDS FOR WASTE DISPOSAL. FIVE. HOURS.

I'M PRETTY SURE HALF OF THEM WERE JUST DEBATING FOR THE SPORT OF IT. LIKE "OH, WHAT IF WE USED SEVEN BINS PER BLOCK INSTEAD OF SIX? LET'S RUN AN ENTIRE SIMULATION ABOUT IT." BY THE TIME WE BROKE FOR LUNCH I WAS READY TO HURL MYSELF THROUGH THE WINDOW AND WELCOME DEATH'S SWEET RELEASE.

SPOILER ALERT: THE FINAL DECISION WAS SIX. WHICH WAS THE ORIGINAL NUMBER. WHICH MEANS I LOST HALF A DAY OF MY LIFE TO WATCH EVERYONE CIRCLE AROUND AND END UP BACK WHERE WE STARTED.

I'M GOING TO START BRINGING A PILLOW TO THESE THINGS. OR A KNIFE. HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.

[carcinogovernor]

FOR THE RECORD, FEFERI, IF YOU EVER INTRODUCE ME IN A MEETING AS "OUR RESIDENT NEWS CLERK" AGAIN, I WILL WALK STRAIGHT OUT THE DOOR AND INTO THE OCEAN.