Wanting to be with a man but getting literally sick to your stomach and irrationally angry at the thought of a man looking at you in a sexual way

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Wanting to be with a man but getting literally sick to your stomach and irrationally angry at the thought of a man looking at you in a sexual way
flirting with guys because you like the attention but then feeling gross when they admit they actually have a crush on you because you don't want any of that shit with man
me: i wish guys would pay attantion to me and validate my attractiveness a guy: (shows interest) me: actually, this is terrible and i wont stop shaking for the entirety of the day! but obviously im just picky :-)
(seeing a pretty girl in class) wow I can't stop looking at her every day i guess I just love how Aesthetic™ and Elegant™ her fashion is... (Later on pajama day when I see how cute her butt looks in pajamas) wow I never noticed before how Elegant™ and Spohisticated™ adult sized lilo and stitch onesies were guess that's just my weird taste in fashion ??
I'm afraid of going out alone with my male friends because I'm terrified they might be attracted to me, even though my self-esteem is terrible and I think no one's attracted to me, but the THOUGHT of them being attracted to me is like "ew no"... but I must be bisexual, right?
*feels super gay and comfortable* -two seconds later- *worries that i am a fake lesbian*
literally averting your eyes whenever a straight couple kissed in a movie way past the age that was supposed to be normal because you felt uncomfortable, and if they had sex you just rolled your eyes and felt gross. meanwhile once a movie came on tv where 2 girls started making out while ur parents were there and you felt so tingly and excited but embarrassed that u turned the tv off and went to watch the movie later
Feeling a weird/jealous disconnect from all the other kids when everyone starts dating around 11/12 and feeling like a weirdo outsider who must be dysfunctional somehow and developing self esteem problems from this