i have more self-confidence now, but am still tripped up when people compliment me. i think part of it is that i don’t want to be reduced to my looks, especially looks i can’t control. i don’t want most people to think i care what they think about my appearance. but that didn’t entirely cover it, because i like the input of people i know well, and am very uneasy with the input of people i don’t know well.
but then i had epiphany. i don’t trust the motives of strangers and non-intimate people who compliment me. are they just making conversation? do they want to cheer me up? are they being sincere? insincere? do they feel obliged to critique my appearance? are they actually a Mean Girl? are they a Mean Boy who flirts by dismantling a woman’s self-esteem? do they want to fuck me? i just don’t know! because they certainly aren’t going to tell me, and i don’t know them well enough to understand their motives.